Love of My Life
by starfalls
Summary: Jackie and Hyde have been in and out of each other’s lives for years. When the gang gets together for Christmas—will sparks fly or will everything go up in flames? And why is Fez the only one who knows who the love of Jackie’s life is?
1. Jackie Moves On

Summary: Jackie and Hyde have been in and out of each other's lives for years. When the gang gets together for Christmas—will sparks fly or will everything go up in flames? And why is Fez the only one who knows who the love of Jackie's life is?

Disclaimer: I have no rights whatsoever to _That '70s Show._

**Love of My Life**

**Chapter 1- Jackie Moves On (Literally)**

* * *

_Thursday, February 14th, 1980_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Basement_

The lone occupant of the Forman's basement was one Steven Hyde, who was sitting in his chair doing absolutely nothing.

Which was just the way he liked it.

He wasn't alone for long, however, as a certain foreign candy fiend burst through the basement door…

"Hyde, my friend, what are you doing?" an overly chipper Fez asked as he entered the room.

"Nothing," Hyde answered lazily, conveying his lack of interest in conversation.

"Well, you should be doing _something_," Fez scolded him as he took a seat on the couch. "Today is a glorious day!"

Hyde glared at his friend through his shades. "Glorious? It's just like every other day, man. Tiring and pointless."

"_Excuse me?_ Do you not know what day it is? It's Valentine's Day! There's candy everywhere and lots of shiny red decorations! You shouldn't be sitting here doing nothing."

"Nah, man. That's _exactly_ why I should be sitting here doing nothing. In fact, as I see it, Valentine's day is more tiring and pointless than the rest of the year. It's a made-up holiday for morons who buy into the idea of everlasting love and celebrate it by buying worthless crap with glitter on it."

"That's not true. Jackie and I have big plans for today," Fez announced.

"I rest my case," Hyde responded, folding his arms.

"Whatever, Mr. Grumpy-pants," Fez snapped. "While you are sitting here doing nothing, I will be wooing my sweet Jacqueline with sweet candy and shiny gifts which will hopefully lead to some sweet love-making."

"Whatever," Hyde grumbled.

Fez, ignoring his friend's sour expression, "Yes, I have a good feeling about tonight. I think tonight will be _the_ night." Then, looking thoughtful, "I wonder if I could convince Jackie to do it while covered in candy and glitter…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hyde asked before thinking better of it. "You know what, man? I don't want to know."

"Well, it's just I always had this fantasy—"

"Hey, don't you think you should, you know, start preparing the…the…shiny crap and whatnot for tonight's date?" he asked, hoping to persuade his friend to get the hell out of there.

"You're right!" Fez exclaimed, standing up. "Jackie always appreciates when things are well-prepared. Like the time I helped her style her hair…and what fine hair she has—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Hyde dismissively, standing up to usher Fez out of the room. "Just go prepare…style her hair…whatever, man…"

"I will, I will," Fez agreed as he was pushed out of the door by Hyde. As he was standing just outside the doorway, he said, "I have a feeling today will be the best Valentine's Day ever!"

"That's great," Hyde replied with a smile before slamming the basement door in Fez's face.

Then, he walked across the room and sat down in his chair with satisfaction. He could continue doing what he really wanted to do.

Absolutely nothing.

* * *

_4 hours later…_

_Still Forman's Basement_

Hyde was extremely satisfied that he'd accomplished absolutely nothing all evening.

He'd left Leo in charge of the record store this evening so that he didn't have to deal with lovely-dovey customers requesting crap like Dionne Warwick or The Bee Gees for Valentine 's Day. He'd also purposely not asked any chicks out today. Today, he wanted peace and quiet—no red frilly hearts, no drama…

"Hyde, this is the worst Valentine's Day ever!" a distraught Fez cried as he came flying through the basement door clutching a shiny red candy box with red lace on it.

_Crap._

Sighing, "What happened? Jackie try to take your candy?"

"No! She broke up with me! This is the worst day of my life!" Fez yelled before pausing. "Although, it would have been worse if she had taken my candy…"

_Whoa! Didn't see that coming…_

"Jackie broke up with you? On Valentine's Day?" Hyde asked in clarification.

Fez nodded sadly.

Hyde couldn't hold back a light chuckle. "Talk about a _burn!_"

Fez glared in return. "If you're just going poke fun, you _sonofabitch_, I can take my poor broken heart elsewhere!" he threatened, waving his box of candy in the air.

"Sorry," Hyde said in an attempt to be more serious. "Man, what happened?"

"I'm not sure," Fez replied as he sat down on the couch with a forlorn expression. "It was all going so well. I took her to the mall, then we went to the roller disco, then we went back to our apartment…"

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_Earlier that night…_

_Fez and Jackie's Apartment_

Fez and Jackie's apartment was filled with numerous red heart-shaped boxes of candy as well as a number of stuffed animals.

Jackie, who was sporting a tiara, commented, "Fez, do you think we bought too much?"

To which a candy-heart munching Fez responded, "Jackie, my love, it's never too much when it's for you." He then pointed to her left. "Do you think you could pass me that box of candy?"

"Sure, Fez," she replied, handing him the box and flipping her hair at the same time. "I don't know what I was thinking. I can never have too much, and, of course, I'm worth it."

"You sure are, princess," Fez agreed, tearing open the box of candy.

"Thanks," Jackie said, giving him her best beauty-queen smile. "And I love the pink stuffed unicorn you bought me. What do you think I should name him?" she squealed.

"Why don't you name it after these little candy hearts with funny sayings on them. They are delicious."

"Hmm," she murmured, jutting out her bottom lip. "Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we try on the clothes we bought today at the mall? We can have a private fashion show in the living room!"

"Oh!" Fez squealed in excitement, almost dropping his box of candy hearts. "That's a great idea! I'll race you to see who can get dressed up first!"

Fez then took off in record speed towards his bedroom.

_15 minutes later…_

"Fez, aren't you ready _yet?_" Jackie hollered from the living room.

"Just a second, my sweet princess," Fez answered, before throwing his door open and sashaying into the living room…

…causing Jackie's jaw to drop.

He was wearing very tight red leather pants, a black V-neck tee-shirt, a pink feather boa…and a pair of sparkly red 4-inch high-heels.

"I know, I'm so foxy," Fez commented as he continued to walk up and down his living room mimicking a runway model.

Jackie, who was wearing what looked to be a pink pouffy prom dress, gaped openly at her boyfriend. "_Fez._ W-Why are you wearing my heels? And _how_ are you wearing my heels? My feet are like _way_ smaller than yours."

"I know, Jackie. You are, indeed, a tiny person," Fez answered matter-of-factly. "That is why I bought another pair of heels. There is no way I would be able to fit into yours."

"_You_ bought a pair of heels?" a clearly-shocked Jackie asked.

"Yes, they were just so red and sparkly, I could not resist," Fez told her. "But I do look good in them, do I not?"

Jackie just continued to stare at Fez.

"Jackie, are you alright?" he asked. "You know, maybe we should segue-way from Valentine's Day fashion show time to Valentine's Day sexy time?"

"Sexy time?" Jackie responded weakly.

"Yes. You know, a little hug-hug, kiss-kiss," Fez said, acting out his description.

With a dead-pan expression, she answered, "Fez, I can't see you anymore."

"What do you mean you can't see me anymore?" questioned a confused Fez, who was looking down at himself. "I am right _here_. Right in front of you, Jackie. Are you having trouble seeing? Do you need glasses?"

"No, Fez, that's not what I meant," she spoke quickly.

"Then what did you _mean?_"

Jackie took a deep breath. "I meant, I think we should break up. I can't date you anymore."

Fez leveled her with a serious expression. "You're breaking up with me?"

She looked back with an equally serious expression. "Yes."

"After everything we've been through together…after everything I've bought for you…you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes," she replied, her voice breaking.

"You're sure about this?" he asked. "Because once you get off the Fez boat of love, you can't just hop right back on."

Tears were now silently rolling down her face. "Yes, I'm sure."

"I see," Fez snapped.

"Fez, I'm sorr—"

"I think you've said enough for this evening," he interrupted. "I now bid you goodnight."

"But Fez—"

"I said goodnight!" he spat as he quickly retreated to his room and slammed the door shut.

_5 seconds later…_

Fez's bedroom door opened and he came sashaying out once again.

"Fez…" began a now sobbing Jackie.

Fez held up his hand in response. "I forgot my candy hearts," he announced as he grabbed the box, before stomping in his sparkly red heels back to his room…

***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

"I don't know where everything went so wrong," a devastated Fez told Hyde as he hit himself in the head with his shiny red candy-box.

"I think a better question would be, 'Where _didn't _everything go wrong?'" Hyde observed. "I mean, seriously…you were wearing _high-heels?_"

"Hey!" Fez protested, ceasing to attack himself with his candy. "They were red and sparkly and reminded me of _The Wizard of Oz!_"

Hyde couldn't help but shake his head. "Yeah, but Dorothy was wearing the ruby slippers. _Dorothy_. You know, the _chick_ in the movie. You're a _dude_. Though I'm starting to wonder…"

"I'll have you know that wearing red, shiny high-heels would be considered very masculine back in my country!"

Hyde stared at Fez, not knowing what to say.

_So much for peace and quiet_.

"But the high-heels are not the problem…" Fez began.

"I would have to disagree with that," Hyde cracked.

Fez glared at him. "The problem is my lovely Jackie has broken up with me," he continued.

"I fail to see how that's the problem. I really think the high-heels are the problem."

Fez ignored his remark. "Hyde, I really thought she was _the one_ for me. I thought she was _the one_ I was going to spend the rest of my life with."

Sighing, "Fez, Jackie's not _the one_ for anyone to spend the rest of their life with. Jackie's _the one_ who barges in to a perfectly good situation, wrecks havoc, and then takes off to go have her hair done, all the while leaving chaos in her wake."

"I don't know. I really thought it was different for me and Jackie. I mean, we had so much fun together shopping, listening to disco, doing our hair together. I thought everything would work out."

"Because doing hair together is the staple of every great relationship," Hyde quipped. He then made an attempt to be serious. "Look, man, even I thought you guys would last longer than this. I mean, you only lasted what? A month and half?"

"Thank you very much for bringing up just how short my whirlwind romance with Jacqueline Burkhart was," Fez snapped.

_Damn. _He wasn't very good at serious.

"What I'm trying to say is, I thought you guys were at least going to make it to the stage where Jackie attempts to blackmail you into marriage before everything fell apart," he tried again.

"No, I wasn't as lucky as you and Kelso to make it to that stage," Fez admitted sadly.

"Lucky? Are you kidding me? Trust me. You should consider yourself lucky you didn't make it to that stage."

"But I _wanted _to make it to that stage."

"Man, are you nuts? Why would you want to make it to that stage? Didn't you see what she did to me?"

"Yes, but I'm not a commitment-phobic bastard like you," Fez said, pointing his heart-shaped candy-box at him for emphasis. "I wanted to marry Jackie. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was looking forward to her marriage blackmail attempts. But alas! She never even mentioned marriage!"

Hyde wasn't sure what to say. "She _never_ mentioned marriage?"

"Nope. It's such a shame, and now that she's broken up with me she probably won't bother me to marry her. So sad. It would have been a dream come to true to marry Jackie Burkhart."

Hyde shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't like the direction this conversation was going. Changing pace, "So, hey, did you bring that damn candy-box just to wave it in my face or were you actually planning on eating out of it?"

Fez jumped up in surprise as he looked at the box in his hand. "Oh my goodness! I was so upset over my tragic breakup with Jackie that I forgot about my candy!" He began petting the box. "It's okay candy. Fez remembered you. I will eat you now."

Hyde rolled his eyes as Fez began to chow down on the chocolates. At least he'd gotten him to shut his trap…

"Hey, Hyde? Can I ask you something?"

_Preferably not._

"Yeah…?" he furthered without the least bit of enthusiasm.

"Why do you think Jackie broke up with me?"

Hyde pondered the question for a moment. "It was probably because she decided she couldn't date a guy who walks better in heels than she does," he said with an evil grin.

"Shut up, Hyde. That's not the reason."

"Wanna bet?"

* * *

_Around the same time…_

_Fez and Jackie's Apartment_

Jackie Burkhart was currently surrounded by numerous presents consisting of candy, stuffed animals, and clothes. Not to mention, she was looking darn cute in her pink pouffy dress.

What was _not_ cute was the red, puffy eyes and the mascara that lined her face from all the crying. It really put a dent in her overall appearance.

Today was supposed to have been a great day.

It was Valentine's Day. She'd spent most of the day laughing and shopping with her boyfriend. She had gotten lots of sparkly, frilly presents. She had a boyfriend who worshipped her and loved doing all the things that she loved. She should have been happy. She wasn't…

…and then her boyfriend had paraded around in a pair of sparkly red high-heels and a pink feather boa.

At that moment, her supposed to have been great day turned into the Valentine's Day from Hell. She'd known right then and there she couldn't continue to date Fez. She couldn't date a guy who walks better in heels than she does!

And so—even though it pained her—she broke up with Fez.

Now, Fez probably hated her. After spending some time in his room, he had run out of the apartment to God know where without even giving her a backwards glance.

How could she live with him after this? But where was she to go?

Eric and Donna had up and abandoned her to Madison to get a college education (As if that was more important than her!).

Michael was still "working" at the Playboy Club, and she wasn't about to run off to stay with him (Seriously, she could probably catch some kind of disease just being in the vicinity of that place).

The only other friend she had here was…well, he didn't really count as a friend anymore.

She had no friends.

God, her life was lame.

She needed to get out of Point Place. But how? With her father in prison and her mother off God knows where whoring herself out to the highest bidder, she lacked the funds to move out of this hell hole.

Dramatically raising her hands up to the sky, "God, how can you punish pretty people like me this way? Can't you help me out? You know, give me a lot of money so I don't have to be poor?" she cried.

_**Ring! Ring! Ring!**_

"Who the hell would be calling? I apparently have no friends!" she complained aloud as she went to answer the phone.

"Hello? Yes, this is Jacqueline Burkhart," she answered. She listened to the man on the other line. "Are you serious? Can you hold on a second?"

Jackie held the phone to her chest and squealed, "Thank you, God! I knew you didn't hate pretty people!"

* * *

_Friday, February 29th, 1980_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Basement_

All was quiet in the Forman's basement. Almost too quiet. Especially for a guy who thought up new conspiracy theories in his sleep.

Hyde liked to be left alone. He liked peace and quiet. But this was almost too much alone time… and too much peace and quiet. He felt like someone was setting him up…

Suddenly, one Jackie Burkhart burst through the door and he was immediately on his guard.

"Hey," she said as she came in, stopping only a few feet away from the doorway.

"Hey," he replied with easy disinterest.

She continued to stand there.

"Did you have something to say?" he prodded.

She shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, yeah…have you seen Fez?"

"You mean the guy that was part of your most recent failed relationship? I'm surprised you remember his name."

"Look, Steven," she said, going into bitch mode. "I don't have time to exchange burns with you right now. I need to know. Have you seen Fez?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Not since Valentine's Day when he was whining about how you broke up with him. Not really sure why he was whining about it. If you ask me, he should have been celebrating."

"Good thing nobody asked you," she bit out.

He smiled, knowing he was pissing her off. "Real cold. Breaking up with him on Valentine's Day. That's something only a bitch would do."

She bit her lip, trying to keep her temper. Doing her best to ignore his slight, "So, you haven't seen him since Valentine's Day? Do you have any idea where he is?"

She sounded worried. Why was she worried? "Nah, I have no idea. Figured he was off with you. Didn't want to get involved in that disco-loving relationship of yours."

"_Damnit_," she swore, stomping her foot like a petulant child. "I can't find him anywhere. I tried his work, the mall, the candy store…I was sure you would know where he went."

"Wait," Hyde said, sitting up. "You mean you haven't seen him since you two broke up? That was like two weeks ago."

"I _know_," she moaned. "He hasn't been back. I'm worried and I…I really need to talk with him."

"I wouldn't worry too much," he told her, though he sounded a bit worried. "He probably just doesn't want to see you after you totally burned him by dumping him on Valentine's Day."

"I-I know," she agreed, feeling guilty. Guilt quickly turned to anger. "It's not like I planned to dump him on Valentine's Day! It just sort of happened!"

"Just sort of happened?" Hyde spat, flaring up in anger somewhat himself. "How do you just sort of happen to break up with someone on Valentine's Day?"

"I don't know, Steven. How do you just sort of happen to accidentally marry a stripper in Vegas?" she sarcastically spat back.

"You get really, really drunk," he answered, trying not to reflect how pissed off he was. "Were you really, really drunk?"

"No, I—"

"No, Jackie, I don't want to hear your excuses. You know, you should have seen Fez when he was here earlier that day. I don't understand why, but he seemed really excited to go out with you. He had it in that pea-sized brain of his that you were really worth something, but then you had to go and do what you always do…_ruin everything_. It's no wonder Fez had to get away from you. You should just do everyone a favor and leave before you ruin someone else."

After Hyde gave his lecture, he was feeling pretty smug…until he saw the heart-shattering expression on her face.

"That's what I'm doing!" she shrieked, looking as if she wanted to pull her hair out.

_That's what she's doing?_ "Wait, Jackie…what are you talking about?"

"I'm leaving!" she announced with anguish. "I'm moving to New York City!"

It felt like he'd been punched in the gut. His anger dissolved into surprise. "What? Moving to New York? _When?_" he asked, standing up and moving towards her.

"Tomorrow," she answered softly, no longer enraged herself.

"_Tomorrow?_" he repeated, flabbergasted. "As in tomorrow, _tomorrow_?"

Jackie gave him a confused look. "Yes, Steven. As in _tomorrow_."

Hyde took off his sunglasses and looked her in the eye. "Jackie, you can't leave tomorrow."

"Why not?" _What the hell is he doing?_

"Because…because you just can't," he argued, wincing at how ridiculous he sounded.

"Steven—"

"Jackie, why are you leaving?" he quickly interrupted. "Did you get a job offer?"

"No."

"Then how can you possibly move to New York? Jackie, I know you have no concept of how the real world works, but you need to be able to pay for things in order to survive and, let me tell you, New York is expensive."

"I know, Steven. I'm not stupid." _Who did he think he was to lecture her?_

"Really? Because you're doing a good impression of it," he bluntly told her.

Jackie rolled her eyes at him. "I have money, Steven."

"What? From that job of yours? Jackie, that can't possibly be enough to move—"

"No, Steven," she interrupted. "I have money…like, _a lot_ of money."

Now he was confused. "Where'd you get a lot of money? You rob a beauty salon?"

She was silent.

"Jackie! You robbed a beauty salon!"

"I did not rob a beauty salon!" Jackie shrieked.

"Where did you rob—"

"I didn't rob anywhere!"

"Then how come—"

"My trust fund!" she finally admitted. "After Daddy's corrupt lawyers were all imprisoned, some new lawyers were hired to sift through all of his transactions. I got a call from them on Valentine's Day. Apparently, I have a rather large trust fund that's been hidden. I should have inherited it when I turned eighteen. I guess Daddy was worried the Feds would confiscate it, which is why he never said anything, but it turns out that legally the Feds can't touch it. All the money goes to me."

Hyde could barely process this new information. "How large of a trust fund are we talking?"

She got the same look in her eye that she always had when she talked about jewelry. "_Large_, Steven," she pronounced excitedly, clapping her hands together. "Like really, really _large_. Like, I'm not poor anymore _large_. Like, I'm the exact opposite of poor _large_. Like—"

"Like you can afford to move to New York _large_," Hyde unenthusiastically finished for her.

"Steven, it's so _large_ I could move to New York ten times over," she squealed. "It's such a great feeling not to be poor anymore!"

Hyde wasn't sure how he felt about this new development. "That's great for you, Jackie," he said quietly.

"Thank you, Steven," she responded, genuinely touched. Then, unable to squash the urge to talk about her newfound wealth, "You know, I couldn't believe it when I found out. It was like a Valentine's Day miracle! I was so upset about being poor and then—_bam_—the phone rings…"

Hyde was only half-listening to her ramble on when something caught his interest. "Wait," he interrupted. "Valentine's Day? Is that why you broke up with Fez? Because you struck it rich and didn't need him to buy you presents anymore?"

She gave him such a hurt expression he felt as if he'd just kicked a puppy.

_Damnit._

"No, it had nothing to do with why I broke up with Fez. I didn't even get the phone call until after we broke up," she explained. "You believe me, don't you?"

He stared at her for several seconds as if he was trying to see through her before sighing. "Yes, Jackie, I believe you."

She smiled. Brightly.

"So why _did _you break up with Fez?" he prodded.

She began to fidget. "I-I'd rather not talk about it."

"Fair enough."

For several moments, neither of them said anything.

"Well, I'm obviously not going to find Fez here," she stated awkwardly. "It's too bad. I really wanted to see him before I left. I don't like how things ended," she said, her voice beginning to break. "W-When you see him…tell him…tell him I returned all the Valentine's Day gifts he bought me. Well, everything except for the candy, but I don't really think that was for me anyway. I put the money in his room. P-Please tell him I-I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt him."

After giving that embarrassingly emotional speech, she went to flee the room…when Hyde caught her arm.

"Jackie, why are you leaving?" he asked in an almost gentle voice.

Looking meaningfully into his eyes, "There's nothing left here for me," she answered honestly.

"Nothing…?" he furthered, still gripping her arm.

"Nothing."

He immediately released her arm at her words and turned away from her. A second later, he turned back. "Have you really thought about this? Are you sure you want to do this?"

_Why did he sound as if he didn't want her to go?_ "Yes, Steven, I've really thought about this. I-It's not like it used to be at Point Place. Everything's changed. Eric and Donna are off at school, Michael is off…well, Michael is off elsewhere subjecting his stupidity onto others, and now everything with Fez…what else do I have?"

Hyde very much wanted to say something in response. Instead, though, he just stared into her mismatched eyes.

"Steven…?"

Looking down and clearing his throat, "So there's nothing I can say to make you stay?" he questioned.

Jackie was taken aback. He'd barely talked to her these past months except to burn her and now…now what exactly was he doing?

"What else can you have to say?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

_What else could he have to say?_ "I don't know."

She smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes. "That's what I thought," she said. "Look, I better go. I want to tell Mr. and Mrs. Forman I'm leaving. If you see Fez, tell him I need to see him."

She then sprinted towards the stairs as if she couldn't stand being there with him another second. She stopped, however, once she reached the bottom of the stairs and turned back.

"Steven…?"

"Yeah…?" Hyde watched her as she steeled herself to make her exit.

She took a deep breath. "I'll be by early tomorrow afternoon to, you know, say goodbye," she rushed out, before promptly turning away and racing up the stairs without looking back.

Which left Hyde alone once again with a very quiet basement.

* * *

_Saturday, March 1__st__, 1980_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Fez and Jackie's Apartment_

Jackie was currently standing in the middle of the living room, which was covered in boxes.

"Who knew I had so much stuff?" Jackie complained. "God, I'm beginning to think I have a shopping problem."

She then bent down to pick up one of the larger boxes…only to promptly drop it back on the floor.

"Damn. How is a petite person like me supposed to move all these heavy boxes? I should have hired more U-Haul guys to do this. What was I thinking? I'm not poor anymore! I'm rich!" she whined. "I'm totally gonna ruin my manicure," she stated as she went to pick up the box again.

"Jackie…?" came a voice from the entranceway.

She promptly dropped the box once again.

"Fez?" she asked, looking up. "Fez!" she cried happily. "You came back! I looked all over for you! I was so worried I wasn't going to get to see you before I left. I'm moving to—"

"New York. I know," he said sadly, walking into the room.

"How did you—"

"Hyde."

"Oh. So, you went to see him?"

"No. He came to see me."

"He did? But I thought he didn't know where you were…"

"He didn't," Fez said, taking a deep breath. "I didn't want anyone to know where I was."

"Where were you?"

"Kelso's," he answered.

_Of course. Should have thought of that._

"I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing your pretty face and not being able to touch you," he continued. "So, I went to go see Kelso's pretty face instead."

Jackie made a not-so-pretty face. "And…did it…uh…help?" she asked, unsure if she wanted the answer.

"Yes, you know Kelso's skin is surprisingly smooth. It's just like a baby's bottom," Fez answered, not noticing the gagging sound Jackie started making. "Of course, it also helped that Kelso took me to the Playboy Club and introduced me to some of the girls there. I particularly enjoyed meeting the twins, Candy and Mandy. They put on a great show. Can you imagine? A girl named Candy…"

This conversation had really gotten off track. Shaking her head, "Fez, what about Steven? You said he came to see you?"

Fez, who was sporting a dazed expression on his face, didn't answer.

"FEZ!" Jackie barked, kicking him in the shins (eliciting an "Ow!" from Fez). "I asked about Steven!"

"What?" he asked distractedly, rubbing his leg. "Oh, yes, sorry. I was just mentally reliving the Candy and Mandy show. You were asking about Hyde? I doubt he could put on show like Candy and Mandy."

Jackie glared at Fez, causing him to take a step back.

"Okay, okay," Fez acquiesced, raising his hands in surrender. "Hyde called Kelso to find out if I was with him last night," he explained. He then bitterly added, "Kelso, being the loose-lipped bastard that he is, caved and told him I was there when Hyde threatened to hit him in the eye. Of course, Kelso, being the idiotic bastard that he is, didn't grasp that Hyde couldn't actually hit him through the phone."

"Okay…and…" Jackie prompted.

"And so, after that loose-lipped, idiotic bastard spilled the beans, Hyde drove all the way over to come see me. He told me all about you moving to New York and said if I didn't come back with him to talk to you he would beat me into submission and take me back by force," Fez explained. He paused to shake his head. "He didn't have to beat me into submission. I, unlike Kelso, understand when I am faced with a real physical threat and I therefore obediently came back with Hyde. We just got back a little bit ago."

Jackie was stunned. "So, let me get this straight. Steven went out of his way to go and threaten you with physical violence and bring you back so you could talk to me?"

"Yep."

"That's so…sweet," Jackie commented, unsure how to feel about Steven's actions.

"Yep. So, get talking lady. Don't let Hyde's threats go to waste," Fez told her.

"Oh, Fez," she sighed. "Look, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I really did want to be with you. I thought we would work. We liked all the same things…I thought it would be the perfect relationship. We're so similar, but I think that was the problem. We're _too_ similar. Don't get me wrong. I love myself. Everything about me is perfect. I always thought if I could run into my own arms, I would, but now I see that there can only be one person as wonderful as I am in a relationship. Fez, you're really just too wonderful for me to date."

Fez appeared to be tearing up. "Oh, Jackie. That was the most flattering I-don't-want-to-date-you speech I have ever heard," he remarked, his hand over his heart.

Jackie gave him a big smile. "Thanks, Fez!" she squealed. "I worked really hard on that speech while you were gone. Did I deliver it well?"

Wiping a tear away, "You really did. Perfect timing and everything," he told her.

"Thanks," she replied, still smiling. Then serious, "So, are we okay?"

"Of course" a now composed Fez told her. "Shortly after I got to Kelso's, I realized you were right. We would have never worked out. I am _not_ the love of your life. I wanted to be, but no matter what I do or say, I'm not gonna be the love of your life."

Jackie didn't know how to respond. That was a seriously deep statement. She should probably ask Fez why he was so sure he was not the love of her life.

_Nah._

"Did Steven tell you I'm rich again?" she asked instead.

"Oh, yes!" he exclaimed. "I'm so happy for you! I'm also happy for me. I'm expecting you to buy me lots of candy after dumping me on Valentine's Day. You know the guys are going to burn me for years to come with that one."

Jackie laughed at her foreign ex-boyfriend. "Sure thing, Fez."

"Is that why you're moving to New York? Because New York is where the rich people go?" Fez suddenly questioned.

"No, that's not why. I'm going to New York because…because I need to move on. I don't think I can do that in Point Place," she replied. Then, flipping her hair, "And because New York is where the rich people go."

They both laughed.

"So, what now?" Fez asked.

"What now?" she repeated. Suddenly, inspiration struck her. She smiled sweetly at Fez. "What happens now is you can help me move all these boxes outside for the U-Haul to pick up," she told him.

"Alright," Fez reluctantly agreed, picking up a box (with some difficulty) as Jackie walked towards the door. "Hey!" he called after her, "Where the hell do you think you are going?"

"I'm going to the Hub to flirt with a bunch of high-school guys so that I can sucker them into helping us move all these boxes. I just got a manicure, and I really don't want to ruin it," she cheerfully explained.

"Fine," Fez huffed, "but you better not abandon me here with all the heavy boxes."

She smiled and turned to go, but suddenly paused. "Hey, Fez?"

"What is it?" bit out Fez, who was now sweating from carrying the box.

"If you realized we weren't right for each other so soon after going to Michael's, how come it took so long for you to come back?"

"Oh," sounded a sheepish-looking Fez. "Well, I was very busy enjoying the Candy and Mandy show…"

* * *

_3 hours later…_

_The Forman's Kitchen_

"Oh, honey, I'm so sad to see you go," Mrs. Forman tearfully remarked as she gave Jackie what must have been the twentieth hug in the last ten minutes.

"I'll miss you, Mrs. Forman," Jackie managed to mumble into the crying woman's shoulder.

"For God's sake, Kitty, the girl is never going to be able to leave if you keep attacking her like that," Red barked.

"I feel like another one of our children is leaving," Mrs. Forman sobbed.

"She may as well have been one of our children for the amount of time she spent here," Red grumbled.

"She certainly did," Mrs. Forman commented, releasing Jackie, "and I want you to know that I practically consider you my daughter. God knows I always wanted a daughter who didn't turn out to be a whore—"

"Kitty—" Red warned.

"Nothing, nothing," Mrs. Forman laughed. Then, seriously, "Speaking of whores, does your mother even know you're moving to New York?"

"No, I couldn't get a hold of her," Jackie answered with a shrug. "Last I heard she was off fornicating in Tahiti with some guy name Juan. But that was two months ago…"

"Oh you poor baby," cried Mrs. Forman, barreling Jackie into another hug. "Don't you worry about your whore-of-a-mother. In fact, why don't you just stay here so I can take care of you? You can stay in Laurie's old room. We can just throw all her stuff out..."

"Kitty, another one of the kids is trying to _leave_. Don't convince her to _stay_," Red advised.

Jackie managed to pull herself from Mrs. Forman so she could speak. "I appreciate the offer, but I've already made up my mind to go."

"I always knew you had an ounce of sense," Red pridefully told Jackie.

"Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Forman," Jackie said with a bittersweet smile. "I just want to say thank you for everything you've done for me over the years. You've been more like parents than…well, than my own parents. I really appreciate it. I love you guys."

"Oh, you dear, sweet girl," Mrs. Forman called out, hugging her yet again. "We love you too!"

Red then cleared his throat loudly, and Mrs. Forman took that as her cue to (reluctantly) release Jackie and move aside.

"Jackie…" Red started, looking uncomfortable. Then, shaking his head, "Look, I just want to say that I've always thought of you as the least annoying and the least worthless of all the dumbasses that hung out in my basement."

"Mr. Forman, I'll miss you too!" a touched Jackie squealed as she launched herself onto Mr. Forman to give him a hug.

Surprisingly, Red hugged her back.

Jackie then released him and looked around the kitchen. "I guess I should get going…"

"Is something wrong, dear?" Mrs. Forman asked.

"Um…I was just wondering if you've seen Steven?"

"Steven? I haven't seen him at all today, dear."

Jackie tried to hide her disappointment. "Oh…well, could you tell him goodbye for me then?"

"Don't worry, I'll give him the message," Red told her. "Along with a good kick in the ass."

Jackie smiled. "Well, I guess this is goodbye…goodbye!"

With a heavy heart, Jackie made her way to the sliding glass door…

"Don't go!" yelled out an anguished Mrs. Forman before she descended upon Jackie, scooping her into another hug. "You can't leave me! Everyone is leaving me! Pretty soon I'm going to be alone with Red! You can't leave me alone with that bitter old man!"

Red rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in defeat. "Jesus, Kitty, why don't you just go with the girl to New York?"

* * *

_1 hour later…_

_Outside Fez and Jackie's Apartment_

"Time to get the hell out of Point Place," Jackie murmured to herself as she made her way to her car, having finally disengaged herself from Mrs. Forman.

She quickly made it to her destination…only to find Steven Hyde sitting on her car with his arms folded and his sunglasses pinned to his shirt.

She stopped at the sight of him.

"Hey, Jackie," he said, getting off the car and walking towards her.

"Steven, what are you doing here?" she couldn't help but ask.

"I came to see you off," he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I hope that's okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay," she assured. "You weren't at the Forman's…I didn't think I would see you…"

"Yeah, well, I wasn't comfortable saying goodbye in front of Mr. and Mrs. Forman."

"Oh…"

"So, are you leaving right _now?_"

"Yeah…"

Hyde looked around. "What about Fez? Isn't he going to see you off?"

Jackie shook her head. "Fez and I already said our goodbyes earlier. He helped me move all my stuff," she explained. "When I left he was in his room crying. Whether he was crying over me leaving or crying over the fact that he had to leave the Candy and Mandy show, I'm not sure…"

Hyde grinned. "He told you about the Candy and Mandy show."

"Yeah, did you see it?" Jackie asked, laughing.

"Nah, didn't have time, but he wouldn't shut up about it on the drive back to Point Place. I thought I was going to have to muzzle him."

Jackie continued to laugh, before composing herself. "Thank you," she said seriously.

"For what? Not seeing the Candy and Mandy show?" he joked. "Cuz let me tell ya, I'm thinking about driving up next weekend…"

"_Steven_," she scolded, lightly swatting him on the arm. "You know that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you driving all night to threaten Fez with physical violence so you could bring him back to talk to me. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, _that_," he remarked, shifting uncomfortably. "You're welcome."

"Steven, it was very..."

"Jackie, I swear, if you say sweet, I'm gonna—"

"…_badass_ of you."

Jackie gave him a devilish smile after she finished speaking.

Despite himself, Hyde couldn't help but smile back. "I taught you well."

"Yeah…" she trailed off into silence and her smile faded. "You know, I should probably get going—"

"I bought you a present," Hyde interrupted a bit too fast to be Zen.

"You did?" she asked in surprise.

"Yeah, I did…I mean, it's nothing shiny or girly…you probably won't like it…"

"Steven, stop babbling and give me my present!" she ordered, anxious to see what he got her.

Smiling slightly at her bossy attitude, he went to her car and picked up a small black bag.

"Here," he stated, handing the bag to her.

Immediately, she shifted through the bag and pulled out a small spray bottle.

She carefully examined the bottle. "You bought me mace?"

He sighed. "I know it's not your kind of present, but it's useful. New York's a dangerous place, and I want you to carry around some type of protection. It's not like Point Place where the most dangerous person is…well, _me_. So, don't bitch about how it's not a present because it's not shiny and—"

"Steven, I love it," she interrupted.

"What?" _Did she say she loved it?_

"I love it," she repeated. "It was really thoughtful of you to get me this. I'll always keep it with me."

"Good," he replied with a nod. "But, you know, just because I got you a gift doesn't mean I'm a nice guy or anything…"

"Of course not," she teased. "Would a nice guy get me such a badass gift? I mean, I can literally make a grown man cry with this."

He smiled. "I really did teach you well," he commented. He shifted uncomfortably. "Jackie, I know I asked you before, but are you sure about leaving?"

She looked away from him. She didn't want to tell him she felt less sure with him being so nice to her. Looking back, "It's just I need to move on. I feel like everyone has moved on in their own way except for me. Eric and Donna, Michael, Fez…_you_…you've all moved on, but I feel as if I'm still stuck in the same place."

"It seems as if nothing will change your mind," Hyde said, unsure if he meant it as a statement or a question.

Jackie was confused about his meaning as well. "I…I…I will miss Point Place," she stuttered lamely.

Hyde gave her that piercing gaze of his. "Do you think you'll ever come back?"

_Come back? As in visit? Or…_

"Point Place is my home. I hope to come back someday," she answered, quivering under his gaze.

"Well, I guess I might be seeing you then…"

Willing herself not to cry, "Yeah…I guess this is goodbye…"

"Have a nice trip," he said, without thinking. After a second, "Wait, I didn't mean it like that…well, I did mean I hope you have a nice trip…but I didn't mean…"

She couldn't help but laugh at a tongue-tied Steven Hyde. "It's okay, Steven. I know you're not good with words," she joked.

"Sorry," he said, offering a weak smile.

"It's alright," she replied. "Goodbye, Steven…"

_Why did it feel like something was caught in his throat?_ "Goodbye, Jackie…"

He watched as she turned and walked away from him. He watched as she opened the car door and prepared to leave…

He then watched as she paused and turned to him with a determined look on her face. He watched as she came striding towards him…

A moment later, Jackie grabbed Hyde by the back of his neck and roughly pulled his mouth down to hers and gave him what was probably the single most passionate kiss he had ever experienced.

Jackie wasn't sure what the hell she was thinking at that moment. She wasn't thinking clearly. Then again, she wasn't sure she ever thought clearly when it came to Steven. So, when he responded back with equal force, she went with it.

_Some time later…_

The crazy pair eventually separated (probably due to lack of oxygen).

The result of their spur of the moment make-out session: A dumbfounded Hyde and a terrified Jackie.

Jackie recovered first.

"I'll miss you," she whispered breathlessly, before she ran away from him into her car and sped off.

Which left a very stunned Hyde alone in the parking lot.

* * *

_6 hours later…_

_Forman's Basement_

A very pissed-off looking Hyde and a very sad looking Fez sat alone on the couch.

"Oh, I cannot believe I am missing the Candy and Mandy show right now," lamented Fez.

"Whatever," Hyde grumbled in response.

"Hyde, buddy, you would not believe how flexible they were…"

"Whatever."

"And now I have no Jackie to comfort me…"

"Whatever," Hyde replied, a bit harsher this time.

"Jackie is on her way to New York right now…"

"Whatever."

"Alas, I was not the love of her life," Fez sighed.

"Whatever," Hyde practically snarled.

"Perhaps she will find the love of her life in New York…"

"_Whatever._"

"But I doubt she will find the love of her life there…"

"Whatever, man," Hyde said angrily. "How long are you going to go on about Jackie?"

Fez went quiet.

They both stared straight ahead without speaking…

"She wouldn't even let me kiss her goodbye. You know, one last make-out session for the road," Fez commented sadly.

Hyde abruptly got up from the couch. "Get the hell out of here, Fez!" he yelled. "And don't come back until you can shut your trap about Jackie!"

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"Hell if I care! Go back to the Candy and Mandy show!" Hyde hollered. "Just get away from me!" he added, before storming to his room and slamming the door shut.

"Somebody is in a cranky mood," remarked an abandoned Fez. Then, looking at his watch, "I wonder if there is still time to catch the Candy and Mandy show…"

* * *

Coming Up in Chapter 2: Fast-forward to 1984—Jackie's life has changed dramatically. As she plans to return to Point Place for Christmas, she can't help but recall the havoc wrecked during a past visit…and how she and Hyde played a major role in wrecking said havoc.

Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	2. You Can Go Home Again, Part 1

Previously in Chapter 1: After breaking up with Fez on Valentine's Day, Jackie moves on to New York—leaving Hyde behind with one hell of a goodbye kiss.

Disclaimer: I still have no rights whatsoever to _That '70s Show._

**Chapter 2- You Can Go Home Again…to Wreak Havoc (Part 1)**

* * *

_Friday, December 21st, 1984_

_New York City, New York_

_Jackie's Apartment_

"Of course you missed me, Donna. How could you not? I _am_ irreplaceable," Jackie told her friend over the phone as she began taping up boxes.

"It's just too bad you couldn't come right after you finished this semester at NYU," her red-headed friend commented on the other side of the phone.

"I know. I could have come last week but they wouldn't let me off work. Work sucks, by the way. They're always bossing me around and telling me what to do. I mean, who do they think I am? Eric?" she complained.

"Jackie, that's usually how it goes. Unless you're the boss."

"Yeah, well, all I know is I like bossing people around and telling other people what to do. Not the other way around," the brunette stated.

"No, _really?_" was the sarcastic reply.

"Whatever, lumberjack," Jackie said flippantly. "So now that you and that twerpy little husband of yours have graduated, what are you doing?"

"Eric is going to start teaching at our old high school once the new school year starts and right now I'm working at the local paper."

"God, how very…full-circle of you," Jackie responded. "I mean, you go through all that trouble trying to get out of Point Place only to come right back."

"Yeah, but…its home," Donna defended. "Actually, I was surprised when you told me you were planning on staying in New York after you graduate in May. I guess I always thought you'd come home for good someday."

Jackie fidgeted awkwardly as she began labeling the boxes she was previously taping. "I kind of thought I'd come back too," she admitted, "but now I think it's probably better to go forward, you know? Not backwards…"

"Alright, but we all really miss you," Donna told her. "It's not the same being at the Forman's with everyone here but you. It's far too quiet…"

"Donna, quit being so sentimental," Jackie commanded. "I'm going to be there tomorrow morning for God's sake. Besides, I'm sure not everyone misses me…"

The line went quiet for a minute. "Jackie, if you're talking about Hyde, I'm pretty sure he misses you."

"Really, what would make you say that?" she asked in a would-be casual voice.

"I can't say…"

"Whatever, Donna," Jackie cut off, annoyed. "I just hope my visit doesn't turn into a complete disaster like the past two times. When Steven and I are around each other, it turns into a train wreck."

"Jackie, your visits were not disasters…not _complete_ disasters anyway."

"Oh yes they were!" argued Jackie. "Don't you remember your wedding reception? It was a _complete_ disaster. They should have put caution tape around the vicinity."

Jackie sighed as she pulled the phone away from her ear and thought back to Donna's wedding reception…

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_Saturday, June 5__th__, 1982_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Point Place Hotel—Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception_

Jackie, Fez, Kelso, and Hyde were all sitting at the bar waiting for Eric and Donna to arrive.

"God, how much longer are Eric and Donna gonna be? I mean, I know they're taking pictures at the church, but they're not that attractive. Donna's gonna look like a lumberjack and Eric's gonna look like a skinny girl no matter how many pictures they take," bitched Jackie, taking a sip of her drink.

"Maybe they got lost," Kelso offered. "I almost got lost. I mean, those signs they put up were really difficult to follow."

Hyde gave him a look. "What was so difficult? The signs said 'Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception' with an arrow pointing the way."

"I know, but I got really confused whether the sign meant that Eric and Donna's wedding reception was right there or if I was supposed to follow the arrow. Eventually, I figured out Eric and Donna probably wouldn't be having their wedding reception outside next to a stop sign. Plus, everybody else just seemed to be driving by," Kelso explained seriously.

"Michael, that was you by that stop sign?" Jackie interjected. "I was wondering what kind of moron would block the whole intersection! Didn't you hear me honking?"

"Yeah, I heard you," Kelso answered. "I thought you were trying to hit on me."

"Why would you think I was trying to hit on you by honking?" she asked, looking at him like he was stupid (which clearly, he was).

"Isn't that what honking your horn usually means?" Kelso asked before adding, "I'm not stupid. I passed my driver's test. I know honking your horn is equal to an invitation for sex. Not that I can blame you for wanting to do it with me. I am a fine man specimen. Just let me know when you want to do it…"

Everyone at the bar stared at him in disbelief.

"Kelso, you're the King," Hyde said, raising his glass in salute before taking a swig.

"Jackie is right," Fez announced all of a sudden. "Eric and Donna should hurry their lazy asses over here. The sooner they get here, the sooner we can have cake. Those two bastards didn't even provide any candy here at the reception to keep me entertained," he griped bitterly.

"You think you have problems?" Jackie asked, her voice exceptionally whiny. "At least you didn't have to wear a brown bridesmaid's dress. _Brown_. What the hell was Donna thinking?" Jackie looked down at her dress with distaste. "You know, I think she was trying to make me look bad because she knows I'm more attractive than her and she didn't want me to overshadow her on her big day. I mean, who can blame her? I am way better looking. But _brown?_ I'm supposed to be the maid of honor!"

"Yeah, Jackie. You look more like the maid of poop!" quipped Kelso.

_A second later…_

"Ow! Jackie! What'd you kick me for?"

"Shut up, Michael!" she ordered. "I can't believe I'm stuck here with you morons," she complained, "and I can't believe Eric and Donna chose to have their wedding reception at Point Place Hotel. Talk about _tacky._"

"You know what I think is tacky, Jackie?" Hyde asked. "What I think is tacky is when some snotty little rich girl puts down other people because they can't afford what she can."

He may as well have given her a slap in the face. "What do you know, Steven? For your information, they could have afforded—"

"Yeah, if they wanted to go broke," he angrily interrupted. "Why are you so materialistic? Today isn't supposed to be about showing off. Nor is it about you and the color of your dress. It's about Eric and Donna throwing their lives away to make a commitment to each other."

"Believe me, Steven. I _know_ what a wedding is for," she retorted with equal anger.

"Really? Because all those times you badgered me to get married, I kind of got the feeling you didn't want to get married so much as you wanted to play dress-up and have a party."

Jackie gave him her best glare. "You have no idea what I wanted, Steven Hyde. Just like you have no idea what I wanted for Eric and Donna," she lectured.

"Enlighten me," he said, rolling his eyes. "What did you want for Eric and Donna?"

"I wanted them to have a day to remember. I wanted them to be able to look back years from now and remember how great today was and how great the décor was," she answered simply.

"Well, some people aren't silly and stuck-up enough to want a big fancy wedding complete with Prince Charming, a horse-drawn carriage, and glass slippers," Hyde scathingly remarked.

"I never said I wanted those things," she argued.

Hyde gave her a look.

"Well, I never said I wanted glass slippers," she amended. "They'd be too hard to walk in. Besides, how would I dance? They'd probably break."

"I bet I could walk in them," Fez said thoughtfully.

The tension between Hyde and Jackie momentarily broke when they turned to look at Fez.

"You know, man. I bet you could," Hyde agreed with an evil smile. "It'd probably be even better than the ruby slippers…"

"Shut your trap, you _sonofabitch_," Fez huffed as he stood up. "I told you! It's a show of masculinity in my country! Now, since I can't have real candy, I'm going to go find my sweet Candy…" he announced before stomping away from the bar.

"I can't believe he's actually dating that slut from the Candy and Mandy show," Jackie commented. "I mean, that's not a dress she's wearing! It doesn't even completely cover her butt!" she cried, pointing to the slut in question.

"That's what happens to guys after they date you," Hyde said. "You screw them up so bad, they consider a stripper as a step up."

Silence.

"Actually, Hyde," Kelso interjected. "Candy's not technically a stripper—"

"Screw you, Steven!" Jackie exploded. "What the hell do you know?" she asked, taking a gulp of her drink.

"Apparently, a lot," he annoyingly answered. "Being that I used to screw you…"

"What a coincidence," Kelso butted in. "I used to screw Jackie too—"

"You're both pigs!" Jackie cried. "I'm so glad I moved out of Point Place and got away from filth like you two! It's no wonder I had such crappy relationships here when the quality of men is so poor!"

"I don't think the problem was the men in Point Place," Hyde argued, not bothering to hide his loathing. "I think the problem was the men in Point Place being subjected to _you._"

Jackie was quick to refute his statement. "I'm not the problem! How could I be the problem? I'm beautiful, rich, and talented. If anything, I'm the solution! And for your information, the guy I just started seeing is wonderful. It's nothing at all like the train wreck that was our relationship."

"That must be because you just started seeing him. Believe me, sooner or later it will turn into a train wreck. The poor guy will be minding his own business when all of a sudden Train Jackie comes out of nowhere and crashes into him and everything goes up in flames."

"Guys, I love trains!" Kelso inappropriately exclaimed. "How about we all play with trains later—"

"I do not come out of nowhere and crash into people!" Jackie yelled, ignoring Kelso.

Hyde surveyed her skeptically. "Really? Because that's kind of what our relationship felt like to me. One day, I was fine. Next day, here comes Train Jackie to wreak havoc."

"Train Jackie does not wreak havoc!" she shrieked, now extremely worked up. "The only reason you think that is because Train Steven kept moving along the track at an _extremely _slow pace! Train Jackie just tried to pick up the pace a bit, but then Train Steven stopped completely, causing Train Jackie to crash into him!"

"Well, maybe if Train Jackie hadn't kept pushing Train Steven so much, he would have kept going on the track and they never would have crashed!" Hyde argued, clearly not realizing how ridiculous the conversation had gotten in his anger.

"It doesn't matter if they didn't crash if they never reached the station!" was her passionate response.

"Guys, guys, guys," repeated Kelso, putting a hand on both of their shoulders. "You two need to stop fighting. I mean, c'mon, you guys are arguing about trains and everybody knows the fun thing about playing with trains is making them crash into each other," he reasoned as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Jackie and Hyde both glared at him.

"Fine, fine," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. "If you want to argue about trains, far be in from me to stop you. I'm going to go see if I can find Candy's twin sister, Mandy. Fez said she was coming…"

Kelso then exited, leaving Jackie and Hyde to turn their glares onto each other.

Unable to keep her mouth shut, "You're such an inconsiderate jerk—"

"You're such a loud-mouthed bitch—"

"You're so completely self-centered—"

"I'm self-centered? Look who's talking—"

"You have no idea how to make a relationship work—"

"You have no idea how to keep from ruining a relationship—"

"Hey, everybody!" suddenly came the loud, booming voice of Red Forman, putting a stop to Jackie and Hyde's argument and gaining the attention of everyone in the reception. "I've been given the unfortunate task of announcing that Mr. and Mrs. Dumbass have arrived and are about to make their belated appearance!"

_A second later…_

"Ow! Kitty, what was that for? I told you I didn't want to address the crowd…"

Hyde turned to Jackie. "As miserable as it has been arguing with you, I'm going to take that as my cue to leave and tell Eric and Donna how tacky you find their reception."

"You jerk—" she began as she tried to kick him, but he quickly moved out of the way.

He smiled evilly. "Gotta move fast to avoid being hit by Train Jackie," he quipped before making his exit.

"Train Steven is a tool!" she bellowed to his retreating figure, before gulping down the remainder of her drink.

"Train Jackie does not come out of nowhere and crash into people," she murmured. She then turned and yelled to the bartender, "Hey! Hurry up and get me another Kamikaze!"

* * *

_About an hour later…_

Jackie, Fez, Kelso, and Hyde were also seated at their assigned table at the reception hall (Jackie and Hyde were sitting as far away from each other as possible).

"I can't believe Forman and Donna's first dance is to _Dreamweaver_," Hyde remarked with disgust.

"Eric said it had sentimental value," Fez explained.

"Sentimental value or not, it's still a crap song. I mean, I can see Forman going for it, but I thought Donna would have better taste. This is like something Jackie would pick," he replied.

"I'm right here, you know," Jackie bitched.

"I know," he said, seemingly unaffected.

Flipping her hair, "Well, even I don't like this song. Gary Wright sounds too much like a girl."

Hyde raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That settles it. If the song is too girly for Jackie, it's really a crap song."

"I like it," Fez said lightly.

Hyde rolled his eyes. "You would."

"I don't know, guys," Kelso said. "I kind of like it too. I wouldn't mind dancing to this."

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's boogie!" Fez exclaimed, standing up.

"Why not? Let's go, little buddy!" Kelso agreed before frolicking off with Fez to the dance floor.

"Wait!" Jackie protested. "You can't crash Eric and Donna's first dance!"

Jackie made to stop them when _she_ was stopped by Hyde grabbing her arm.

"Let them go," he said, re-seating himself next to her. "I want to see Donna kick their asses when she realizes they crashed her first dance."

"Ugh, fine," she sighed, giving up.

Sure enough, Donna had soon broken her dance with Eric to go pummel Fez and Kelso.

"Alright, Big Red!" Hyde cheered. "Whoa! She hit him in the nuts!"

Jackie rolled her eyes. "You know, I'm so glad I dumped those two. I can't believe they wanted to go dance _together._"

Hyde paused. "They do have a strange relationship," he admitted.

"I know. After I broke up with Fez, he said he realized he wasn't the love of my life. I'm beginning to wonder if he actually realized Kelso was the love of _his._"

Hyde looked at her approvingly. "That's a good burn, Jackie," he said, "…and possibly true."

She shrugged.

"Hey! Look at Forman getting into the fray!"

"Eric hits like a girl," Jackie commented.

"True, but this is freakin' awesome! Fighting during the first dance!"

Jackie watched as Donna strong-armed Kelso off the dance floor. "Donna really looks a lot prettier with red hair," she mused.

Hyde turned away from the fight to give her a strange look. "Jackie, you complimented Donna's appearance. That's almost…nice of you. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, well, it is her wedding day," Jackie said dismissively, "and you can't exactly judge her by my standards. Who could live up to me? But, you know, in her own lumberjack way she looks good."

Hyde rolled his eyes before turning his attention to the disaster on the dance floor. "Awesome! Red's getting in the on action! Check it out! He's actually sticking his foot up Kelso's ass!"

All of a sudden, Jackie thought of something. "Hey, aren't we supposed to be mad at each other? Why the hell are you sitting next to me?"

He looked at her. "Because the chance to see Kelso and Fez get their ass beat outweighs any beef I have with you," he answered. He paused. "But don't go thinking I don't hate you…"

"I won't," she scoffed. "I hate you too."

"Feeling's mutual, then."

They both turned to watch Red finish his ass-sticking ("You dumbasses better keep away from the dance floor or you'll find out how far my foot will really fit up your ass!" Red threatened).

Soon afterwards, Kelso and Fez hobbled their way back to the table, clutching their behinds.

"You two are amazing!" Hyde greeted them, grinning. "You got Red to stick his foot up your asses during Eric and Donna's first dance. I have a whole new appreciation for _Dreamweaver_ now."

"I thought Red was kidding all these years with his foot in the ass threats," Kelso whined as he attempted (and failed) to sit down. "Man, my ass is too sore to sit on!"

"Yes, and what is really unfortunate is that we did not get to finish our dance," Fez added, rubbing his bottom.

"You did have some good moves, little buddy."

"Thank you, Kelso. You also move rather graceful for a tall fellow."

"Thanks. I'm glad somebody appreciates my moves."

"That's because you're the love of his life," Hyde told him.

"_Steven,_" Jackie scolded, hitting him lightly on the arm.

"Man, what are you talking about?" Kelso questioned in confusion.

"I'm talking about Jackie's theory that Fez realized you were the love of his life after she broke up with him."

Kelso looked horror-stricken. "Fez, is that true man? You're in love with me? Not that I blame you. I am a good-looking dude, but seriously, I don't go for other dudes…except for that one time. But nothing happened, and he looked like a chick—""

"Don't be ridiculous, you man-whore," Fez snapped. "You are not the love of my life."

"I'm not?"

"No, though I do find you to be an incredibly attractive man with baby-soft skin," he responded (Jackie and Hyde gave each other a look, Kelso nodded in agreement). "But you are not the love of my life, and I would love to know why Jacqueline is spreading such horrid lies."

"I'm not spreading…Steven, look at the trouble you've gotten me into!" she cried (Hyde grinned). "Fez, I was just talking about the time you said you realized you weren't the love of my life. _Steven _here must have gotten confused about what I said. No doubt that fro of his addles his brains," she explained.

"Hey!" Hyde yelled (Jackie grinned).

"I understand, a head of hair like that cannot come without a cost," Fez said seriously.

"Hey!" Hyde yelled again (Fez grinned). "Look, man, just clarify things. Why did you realize your weren't the love of Jackie's life if not because of Kelso?"

"Because I'm just not the love of her life."

"That's right. I'm the love of her life," Kelso announced.

"No, you're not," Jackie and Fez said at the same time.

"_Burn,_" Hyde added.

"Man, you guys are mean," Kelso pouted.

"Just speaking the truth. You are not the love of Jackie's life," Fez told him.

"You act like you know who it is," Kelso accused.

"I do," answered a full-of-confidence Fez.

Everyone looked at him.

"Who is it?" Kelso asked impatiently.

"That is something for Jacqueline to figure out and come to terms with."

Jackie's eyes went wide.

"Man, this topic of conversation sucks," Hyde interjected, sounding annoyed. "I think you two should go back out on the dance floor so Red can kick your ass again. What do you think, Jackie?"

"I think I need another Kamikaze," she said.

* * *

_About an hour and a number of Kamikaze's later…_

"Steven, why are you still wearing those stupid sunglasses?" Jackie asked, slurring her words slightly.

"Because I want to."

"But the lights are already dim! Why would you want to make everything darker?"

"Maybe so I don't have to see you in that hideous brown dress."

"_Burrrrn!_" Kelso butt in.

Ignoring Kelso, "Steven, you drive me crazy."

"Jackie, no one needs to drive you crazy. You're already crazy."

"_Burrrrn!_" Kelso butt in again.

Ignoring Kelso again, "Steven, you make me want to go all Train Jackie, come out of nowhere, and crash into you so I can knock those damn sunglasses off your face."

Hyde gave her a searching look. "Jackie, how many Kamikazes have you had?"

"_Burrrn_…oh no wait…that's not a burn, is it?" Kelso asked Fez (who shrugged).

"Hello, everyone!" came an all too cheerful voice. Everyone looked up to see Mrs. Forman. "It's time for the bouquet toss!" she happily announced. "Come along, Jackie dear."

"Go ahead and do it without me, Mrs. Forman. I want to finish my Kamikaze," she mumbled.

"Now I know Jackie's had too many Kamikaze's if she doesn't want to participate in the idiotic superstition known as the bouquet toss," Hyde joked.

"It's not an idiotic superstition. The girl who catches it will be the next to get married," Jackie argued.

"All the more reason for you to put down the alcohol and catch the bouquet," Mrs. Forman reasoned.

"But Mrs. Forman, who the hell am I going to marry? The love of my life?"

"The love of your life would be a good choice, dear."

"That's what I thought," sighed a depressed Jackie. "I might as well finish my Kamikaze…"

"JACKIE BURKHART! GET YOUR CUTE BUTT ON THE DANCE FLOOR FOR THE BOUQUET TOSS NOW!" Mrs. Forman yelled, before getting a hold of herself and laughing rather manically. "Please dear, you don't want to ruin my son's wedding, do you?"

Jackie was gone immediately.

* * *

_5 minutes and a bouquet toss later…_

"Jackie, what the hell was that?" the bride cried, coming up to the table where the gang was assembled.

"Donna? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy drinking my Kamikaze?" Jacked retorted with attitude.

"I want to know why you ducked the bouquet!" Donna insisted.

"Yeah. Because of you, Laurie caught the bouquet!" complained Eric, joining Donna. "You know she's probably gonna feel up whoever catches the garter."

"I'll have to catch the garter!" exclaimed Fez. "Wait…what's a garter?"

"Donna, I don't know what you're talking about. I did not duck the bouquet," Jackie told her.

"Jackie, it was coming straight at you and you practically threw yourself in the other direction," Donna reasoned.

"You're seeing things," the petite girl accused.

"C'mon, it's not just me," Donna argued. "Guys?"

Fez nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, I saw it. I must say, I was quite impressed with your ducking abilities, Jackie."

"Yeah, you were fast," Kelso added. "It was almost like you had superpowers. Wait…Jackie, you don't have superpowers, do you?"

"See, Jackie? They all saw it!" Donna pronounced in triumph.

"Well, I have been drinking a lot," Jackie pointed out matter-of-factly. "Perhaps this 'duck' you thought you saw was actually a drunken stumble," she offered, taking a gulp of her latest Kamikaze.

"Hyde, what do you think?" Donna asked.

Hyde looked at Jackie through his shades. "Jackie has had a lot to drink…"

"See I told you!" Jackie exclaimed.

"…but she's not _drunk_ yet."

"Huh? Who do you think you are to say I'm not drunk?"

"It's pretty amazing, actually," Hyde said as if he was commenting on a science experiment. "A ninety-five pound chick of abnormally small stature should be passed out with all she's had, but I know drunk and Jackie's _not_ drunk. Her reaction time was way too fast when she ducked to be drunk."

"I did not duck! It was a drunken stumble!"

"It was not a drunken stumble. It was a duck," Hyde combated fervently. "Jackie, I'm an expert on drunken stumbles. You can't lie to me. You ducked. I don't know why. It would make more sense if you did stumble. I thought catching the bouquet and all that wedding crap was the kind of stuff you lived for."

"It's just an idiotic tradition anyway," Donna commented.

"It's not an idiotic tradition!" Jackie disputed, perking up. "You people need to stop saying that! The bouquet toss is real. I guarantee Laurie will be the next to get married. I'm not saying she'll stay married, but _she will get married._"

"Jackie, if you feel so strongly about it, _why did you duck the bouquet?_" Donna asked.

Jackie glared at her friend. "You people are all crazy! It was a drunken stumble! Now let me get back to my Kamikaze so I can get drunk enough to satisfy you people!"

Donna sighed and gave up on her current line of questioning. "So guys, why are you all just sitting together at this table? Why don't you go mingle?" she asked.

They all looked at her as if she was stupid.

"Because we're anti-social, Donna," Hyde answered as if it was obvious. "Where've you been? We all spent years hanging out in a basement with just each other. We don't mingle."

Donna shrugged. "I guess you have a point."

Silence fell over the table.

"Donna, your wedding's kind of boring," Jackie rudely remarked.

"Sorry we couldn't satisfy you, Jackie," Eric apologized sarcastically. "We didn't think it was appropriate to put any devil-worshipping activities on our wedding agenda."

"Actually, Forman. She has a point," Hyde interjected.

Eric was aghast. "You're siding with _the devil?_"

Smirking, "Well, I think I know a way to save your wedding. It involves getting into a circle—"

"We are _not_ doing a circle at my wedding reception, Hyde," Donna asserted.

"Why not?" Kelso asked. "I've got this awesome new lighter we can use," he said, pulling it out of his pocket. "See? It looks like a tank and it lights when you pop the lid open—"

"Kelso, why did you bring a lighter to my wedding? Give it to me. You'll burn down the reception hall," Donna said, trying to swipe the tank lighter.

"I don't think so, Donna," Kelso said, stuffing it back into his pocket.

"You better be careful. If you burn down my wedding reception, I'll kick your ass," she warned.

Silence fell over the table yet again.

"See, Donna? Your wedding is kind of boring," Hyde remarked, mimicking Jackie.

"Told you," Jackie said.

_A moment later…_

"Oh! It's not boring anymore! The Candy and Mandy show is starting!" Kelso announced with glee, pointing towards the dance floor.

"_What?_" cried an alarmed Donna.

"Oh, yes! C'mon Candy, shake it!" Fez yelled. "Let's join in the fun, Kelso!" he added as he rushed away from the table.

"Right behind you, little buddy!" Kelso replied, taking off.

"Oh, hell no! There's no Candy and Mandy show at my wedding! C'mon Eric, let's go kick some ass!" Donna hollered, dragging Eric along behind her.

"Now we get to sit back and watch the ass-kicking commence…again," Hyde commented. "This is some wedding, eh Jackie?"

She looked at him. "I think I need another Kamikaze."

* * *

_An hour and a major ass-kicking later…_

Jackie and Hyde were sitting alone at the table.

"Why didn't you want to try and catch the garter?" she asked.

"Didn't want to risk having to get anywhere near Laurie," he answered with a shrug.

She nodded her head in understanding.

"Man, after Red stuck his foot up everyone's ass for the Candy and Mandy show it got boring again," Hyde complained. "I can't believe Donna didn't want to do a circle…"

They watched listlessly as Fez wrestled with Kelso for the garter and won.

Jackie turned to Hyde. "I'll do a circle with you."

"What?"

"I'll do a circle with you. I need a break from Kamikazes."

"Jackie, it's not really a circle with two people."

"Do you want to do one or not?"

Shrugging, "Alright."

* * *

_10 minutes later…_

After making their way through an apparent maze of hallways, they found a "suitable" storage closet to conduct their "circle."

"Steven, it's gross sitting on top of an old, smelly bucket. I don't see why we couldn't do this somewhere furnished," she moaned. "You're lucky this dress is so ugly I don't care if I ruin it."

"Quit complaining, Jackie. You know we can't do this out in the open."

"Yeah, but this place so… dark and dirty. Aren't you ready _yet?_"

"Almost…and there's nothing wrong with dark and dirty."

"Whatever. Just hurry up and light it already. I want to forget that I'm trapped in this dark, dirty hovel with _you._"

"Why? Bring back memories?"

"Ugh! No wonder I spent so much time in the circle when I was with you. I was obviously trying forget I was actually with you."

Hyde shot her an annoyed look. "Shut your pie-hole," he ordered.

It wasn't long before he broke out in a mischievous smile…

"It's ready."

* * *

_15 minutes later…_

Jackie and Hyde were sporting shit-faced grins.

"Oh my god! Steven! This is wonderful," she cooed. "I haven't done this in ages. Also, you know what? Kelso was right. I do look like the maid of poop in this dress!"

"What? You don't do circles in New York? What do you do? Squares? Triangles?"

"Nah, I don't do anything," she giggled. "Well, except drink. A lot. Gotta love the New York party scene! Hey, did you know that New York is called The Big Apple? But I haven't seen any big apples anywhere!"

"Man, I can't believe you went so long without the circle. I can't go long at all…In fact, I'm thinking about maybe doing another circle right now. Then I think we should go look for that big apple you were talking about and eat it. I'm feeling kind of hungry."

"Good idea! We should do another circle. Then we can go find that apple…"

* * *

_20 minutes and another circle later…_

Jackie and Hyde were sporting _really _shit-faced grins.

"Whoa! I haven't spent this long in the circle since…since…I can't remember…" Hyde laughed.

"It's okay…I can't remember much either…I think I remember something about apples. Oh! And trains! Weren't we talking about trains earlier?"

"I think you're right…do you think there is a train somewhere around here with apples?"

"I bet there is a train with apples! We should go find it! I just hope I don't scare all the apples away with my poop dress…"

"Yeah, let's go look for the apple train…soon as all this fog clears up. I can't see you…or your poop dress. Wait a minute…_fog?_"

Suddenly, a loud beeping sound commenced, forcing them back to reality and out of their circle-induced haze…

"Oh my God! Steven! That's the fire alarm!" Jackie shrieked.

"No kidding, Sherlock," Hyde grumbled. "I didn't even notice there was a smoke detector in here."

"Why didn't you check? Are you stupid?"

"Are you stupid? How come you didn't check?" he retorted. Calming down, "Look, we need to get out of here…"

Getting out was easier said than done in a dark closet with lots of "fog"…which is why the scuffling of feet was followed by a loud _CRASH!_

"What happened?" Jackie squeaked.

Her question was answered when flames shot up. They'd knocked over what they were smoking!

Hyde sprang into action.

"Jackie, get out of here," he ordered as he grabbed her, opened the door, and threw her out.

A freaked-out Jackie found herself alone in the hallway.

"Steven! What are you doing? Hurry!"

Hyde came running out of the door holding a familiar-looking bag. "Had to get the evidence." He grabbed her arm. "C'mon Jackie, let's move," he demanded as he began pulling her down the hallway until they reached a safe distance.

"Steven, what do we do?" Jackie panted.

Looking around, "I don't see a fire extinguisher…looks like they have overhead sprinklers. Once it gets hot enough, they'll turn on."

"Just here?"

"Nah, they'll probably turn on for the whole building."

Jackie covered her mouth with her hand. "Steven, that's going to ruin the reception!"

"I know," Hyde admitted, looking the least Zen she had ever seen him. "Eric and Donna are never gonna forgive me for this. Red will probably never let me in the house again…"

At that moment, the look on Hyde's face was one of complete and utter devastation.

Jackie felt a knot tie in her stomach (a knot in the form of Steven Hyde). She looked around in despair, desperate for anything that could help…

"Steven!"

"_What?_"

"What if they don't find out it was us?" she asked, looking down the hallway with a devious gleam in her eye.

"What do you mean? How can they not find out…" He trailed off when he caught her line of sight. "You can't possibly mean…"

Jackie nodded her head.

"Forman was right. You _are_ evil," he said with an awed expression.

Placing a hand on her hip, "So, are you in?"

"Of course," he smirked. "Let's hear the details of this evil plan of yours, baby."

Smiling slightly, Jackie leaned in to whisper in his ear.

* * *

_5 minutes later…_

"Kelso! How could you! You almost burned down the building!" a drenched-in-her-wedding dress Donna screamed.

Disaster had struck. Point Place Hotel appeared to have been hit by an indoor monsoon. The sprinklers were on all over building, soaking the place and everyone in it. The fire in the storage room had quickly burned out, though everything in it was burned to a crisp.

The now soaking wet gang had all assembled at the scene of the crime…including Jackie and Hyde.

"I didn't do it!" Kelso protested.

"Then why were you by the storage room?" Eric asked.

"Because I was attacked and placed there!"

"Michael, who would attack you at a wedding?" Jackie asked, her voiced littered with skepticism.

"I don't know. They attacked me from behind…but I could tell it was someone big and burly," Kelso defended.

Everyone (besides Kelso) exchanged disbelieving looks.

"Look, I was making out with Mandy a bit ago…ask her," he tried.

"We _can't._ Candy and Mandy didn't like getting wet so they left," Fez answered bitterly. "Fez will have no more Candy and Mandy show tonight because of you and your need to burn things, _you selfish_ _sonofabitch_."

"I didn't do anything! Tell them, Hyde. You broke up me and Mandy's make-out session and said Jackie wanted to go screw me!"

Both Hyde and Jackie received a number of curious looks following that revelation (Jackie had a look of revulsion).

Hyde shook his head. "No, I told you Jackie wanted you to go screw _yourself_," he corrected. "She was way mad about the whole Candy and Mandy show. Thought you were making a mockery of Donna's wedding."

"He is!" Donna cried indignantly.

"Whatever, that proves I was innocent!" Kelso shouted.

Hyde shook his head again. "Nah, man. I only talked to you for like a few seconds in passing. Besides, that was a while ago. You had plenty of time to do your little fire and sprinkler show."

Kelso looked more confused than usual. "Look, I'm telling you I didn't do it!"

"What about the lighter Hyde found in the hallway by the closet?" Eric wearily asked.

"That was my tank lighter…but I have no idea how it got there!" Kelso told him. "Why do you all think it was me?"

"Face it, man," Hyde reasoned. "You do have a history of burning things."

"Michael, you set my house on fire," Jackie added.

They all nodded their heads in agreement.

"Kelso, just admit you set the closet on fire," Fez encouraged. "And that because of you everyone has to eat mushy cake," he added bitterly.

Kelso replied with his typical dizzying intellect. "I would if I did, but I didn't! I'm pretty sure I'd know if I did it unless I did it without my knowing, but I think I would know."

Donna shook her head. "Whatever, Kelso. It's fine if you don't want to admit it," she said, sounding disappointed. "C'mon Eric, let's go figure out how to turn the sprinklers off…"

An extremely wet Donna, Eric, and Fez soon disappeared down the hallway…with an outraged Kelso following behind chanting "I didn't do it!" over and over.

"That's one of the only times you'll hear Kelso yelling that sentence," Hyde quipped as he watched them disappear down the hallway, before smiling at Jackie.

Jackie smiled back. "It worked!" she squealed, jumping up and down enthusiastically. "I knew it would!"

Hyde smirked. "That was some evil plan of yours…"

* * *

_5 minutes ago…_

JACKIE'S EVIL PLAN:

MISSION: Have Kelso take the blame for setting the storage room on fire.

FIRST OBJECTIVE: Get Kelso away from his make-out session with Mandy.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Hey, Kelso, can I talk to you for a minute?" Hyde asked.

"Hyde, can't you see I'm busy? Can't we talk later?" Kelso complained, barely coming up for air after practically sucking Mandy's face off.

"It's about Jackie and screwing."

"Mandy, I'll catch up with you later," Kelso said in dismissal.

Hyde smirked as he led Kelso to the end of the hallway. "Jackie wants to screw you," he told him bluntly.

Kelso looked as if Christmas had come early. "Really? That's awesome! When does said screwage occur?"

"Right here. Just stand _right here_ and wait for Jackie," Hyde ordered, pointing to an exact spot. "Do not move from _here._"

"Sure thing, Hyde."

Hyde patted Kelso on the shoulder and walked off, smirking.

If Kelso had checked his pockets, he would have found something missing.

SECOND OBJECTIVE: Blindly lead Kelso to the scene of the crime and plant evidence.

ACTION TAKEN:

Jackie hid just around the corner of the hallway where Kelso was waiting. She knew she had to wait until the sprinklers went off for the timing to be right.

"Man, I can't believe Jackie wants to screw me!" she heard Kelso whisper excitedly.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

A second later, the sprinklers went off and she sprang into action. She abruptly turned the corner and jumped on Kelso's back.

"What the hell—"

She sprayed him with the bottle of mace she had readily prepared in advance.

"Ow! My Eyes!"

She then ran off like a bat of out hell to Hyde, who was waiting at the scene of the crime (where he'd just planted the tank lighter he'd stolen from Kelso earlier).

"Go get him!" she commanded.

Hyde was off directly.

He soon found a temporarily blinded Kelso wandering the hallways.

"Man, why is it raining indoors?" Kelso complained.

Shaking his head, Hyde grabbed hold of Kelso ("Hey! Go easy on the tux! It's rented!") and pushed him to a closer—though physically safe—area to the scene of the crime.

"Is it Prank Day again and nobody told me?" Kelso stupidly questioned.

Once Kelso was in place, Hyde abandoned his friend and rushed off to meet an anxiously awaiting Jackie at the back exit of the building (conveniently located not far from the scene of the crime).

"Did everything go okay?" she asked as soon as she saw him.

He didn't get to answer as they heard voices coming from the connecting hallway.

"I swear, Eric, I am going to KILL whoever did this!" they heard Donna fume. "Look at me! My wedding dress is soaked!"

THIRD OBJECTIVE: Get the hell away from the scene of the crime and then re-enter as if for the first time.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Let's get the hell away from here," Hyde said, grabbing Jackie's hand and dragging her through the exit.

"We need to re-enter through the front of the building," Jackie whispered as they ran outside. "God, I can't believe we're actually doing this."

"I know," Hyde scoffed. "This is way more planned out than my usual felonies…"

Once they made it to the front of the building, Jackie made to enter when Hyde pulled her back…

"I think I hear someone…" he whispered, pulling her into an alcove.

"Mandy, I can't believe it started raining in the building. I can't put a show on in such conditions!" a female voice whined.

"At least that pervy foreign guy didn't abandon you to go screw some other girl, Candy."

Once the two stars of the Candy and Mandy show were out of earshot, Jackie and Hyde came out of their hiding place.

"That will make things easier. Kelso's only possible alibi just left," Hyde smirked. "C'mon Jackie, we have a crime scene to discover," he announced as he grabbed her hand once again and re-entered the building.

_30 seconds later…_

They approached the scene of the crime where Eric, Donna, and Fez had already gathered.

"KELSO! WHAT DID YOU DO?" they heard Donna yell.

"Hope you've brushed up on you acting skills," Hyde whispered.

"Don't worry about me, worry about yourself," Jackie insisted.

"Alright then, let's do this."

"What the hell's going on, man?" Hyde asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

"Donna, why are there sprinklers on? My hair has gone completely flat! The three hours I spent on it this morning is now completely wasted!" Jackie bitched convincingly (earning a sly wink from Hyde).

"I don't know, Jackie. You'll have to ask Kelso here!" Donna angrily answered.

"It appears this storage room was set on fire somehow," Eric explained to Jackie and Hyde in a would-be calm voice.

"Yes, and we found Kelso just down the hallway," Fez added.

"Guys, I didn't do it!" Kelso insisted.

"Then who did it?" Donna seethed.

"How should I know? All I know is I didn't do it and you can't prove that I did!"

"Hey, isn't that the lighter you were showing off earlier?" Hyde pointed out, right on cue.

The lighter was lying a short ways away from the burned doorway.

Donna looked like she was going to blow.

"Kelso! How could you! You almost burned down the building!" she screamed.

* * *

Hyde looked at Jackie in unveiled admiration. "You know, Jackie. In a way, you _did _screw Kelso."

"I know! My plan went perfectly!" Jackie gushed. "Everybody thinks Michael did it!"

Hyde paused, seemingly in thought. "Don't you feel bad at all about what we did to Kelso? He is our friend."

Jackie mulled over his question for all of a second before replying a resounding "No."

"Yeah, neither do I," chuckled Hyde, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I kind of feel like I should, but I really don't."

"The way I look at it, we have no reason to feel bad," Jackie said with conviction. "Michael would have done the same thing to us if he was smart enough, _which he's not_, but that's not the point," she babbled. "The point is _he_ wouldn't feel guilty. He'd think it was the ultimate burn or something."

"That's true. He wouldn't feel guilty," Hyde agreed. Then with a mischievous smile he added, "Oh, and this _is_ the ultimate burn."

"Yeah, we totally ruined Eric and Donna's wedding reception and Michael took all the blame," Jackie laughed. "God, we are so badass. Too bad we can't tell anybody."

"No, it's better this way. This way anytime anyone talks about how Kelso ruined Eric and Donna's wedding reception, we'll have the private satisfaction of knowing how everyone else's burns pale in comparison to our evil genius."

"You know what, Steven? You're _right_."

"Of course I am. You know Kelso's never going to live this down. This will be the burn that keeps on giving," Hyde said. Then thoughtfully, "Everyone's gonna be pissed at Kelso. I wonder if Red will stick his foot in his ass again…"

"It doesn't matter. They won't stay pissed at Michael for long," Jackie commented. "That's why I don't feel guilty. Everyone's gonna forgive Michael because he's so stupid. Michael is like a puppy that pees on the carpet. You can't stay mad at him because he doesn't know any better."

Hyde looked at her in surprise. "Jackie, that's a surprisingly accurate depiction of Kelso."

"Of course it is. Just because I'm extremely beautiful doesn't mean I'm not extremely clever," Jackie retorted.

"Don't forget extremely vain," Hyde added. Then, shrugging, "Though I will concede that your evil plan tonight was…okay."

"_Please._ My plan to frame Michael was nothing short of brilliant," she boasted. "Michael didn't even realize I was the one who attacked him. It's just lucky I always carry mace with me…"

"You always carry mace with you? _Really?_" Hyde questioned, sounding intrigued.

"Yeah, ever since you bought it for me when I left Point Place…"

Jackie clapped her hand over her mouth when she realized what she'd revealed. Removing her hand and trying to act natural, "Well, New York is a dangerous place. You never know when you'll run into dangerous situations…"

"And I suppose you were expecting dangerous situations at Forman and Donna's wedding?" a smug Hyde pried.

"Well, there was a dangerous situation…at least for Michael," she defended. Not liking the smug look she was getting, she decided a change of topic was in order. "Speaking of Eric and Donna…where the hell are they? I thought they said they were gonna turn off the sprinklers! My make-up has to be completely ruined by now!"

"Calm down. You know Eric and Donna aren't the most capable couple around. I give them at least another ten minutes of figuring before Red steps in and does the job for them," Hyde told her, "and yeah, your make-up is completely ruined."

"_Steven!_" she scolded, annoyed. "At least I don't look as ridiculous as you. Why are you wearing sunglasses when there's water pouring down? How can you see?"

Folding his arms, "I see better than Kelso after you maced him with that totally badass gift I got you that you _always carry with you_."

"Ugh!" she cried, throwing her hands up. "I can't deal with you! I'm going to go get a Kamikaze and find out what Eric and Donna's mental handicap is regarding the sprinklers…"

She turned from him in a huff and walked away.

* * *

_2 hours later…_

Jackie took a sip of her drink as she stood off to the side, observing Eric and Donna going to town on the dance floor.

After Red had come the rescue and turned off the sprinkler system ("How are you dumbasses going to go through life if you can't even figure out how to turn off some water?" he'd asked Eric and Donna), the celebration had commenced…albeit in a much less dry fashion.

Everything was wet. The floor, the tables, the cake ("You know, mushy cake really isn't that bad," Fez commented), the people…everything.

But none of that mattered…

Eric and Donna had refused to let a small fire and a lot of water dampen their day. And so, the DJ had resumed playing music and many guests had taken their shoes off and started going to town on the dance floor.

Jackie watched with a wistful expression.

"What sort of evil plan are you concocting now?" Hyde asked from behind her.

She jumped, startled. "_Steven!_" she cried, barely avoiding spilling her drink.

Hyde smirked at her.

"I'm not planning anything," she snapped. Motioning towards the dance floor, "I'm just watching Eric and Donna embarrass themselves dancing. Donna's doing some weird stomping with those overly-large feet of hers, and Eric looks like he might accidentally kill someone with his hand movements."

Hyde gave her an exasperated expression. "Not everyone is as socially conformist as you and aspires to be labeled the Disco Queen of Point Place. Seriously, Jackie, do you always have to put down—"

"It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Hyde's jaw dropped. "I'm sorry. I think I heard you wrong…"

"I said it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"I don't understand. I know I gave you a hard time, but even I can see Forman and Donna aren't exactly poetry in motion—"

"It doesn't matter," she cut off in a decisive tone. Fixing her eyes on the newly married couple, "It's not about their horrendous dancing, Steven," she resumed in an almost gentle tone. "Look at how happy they are despite their rhythmic handicaps. Can't you see the way they look at each other? That's love. That's real, true love. They're the love of each other's lives…and you can see it all right there."

Hyde quietly observed Eric and Donna before taking off his sunglasses and turning to Jackie, who was still looking ahead.

"You're right. I can see it," he whispered.

She didn't take her eyes off the dance floor for some time. Suddenly, "You might be right about me coming out of nowhere and crashing into people, Steven. Look at the havoc I wreaked tonight…"

Hyde seemed taken aback by her melancholy statement. "Jackie, I—"

"WET T-SHIRT PARTY EVERYBODY!" Kelso announced as he approached Jackie and Hyde. "Hey, Jackie!" he called, "You should participate. You look HOT wet!"

"I'm not a whore, Michael! I don't participate in wet t-shirt contests!" she hollered back. Getting a hold of herself, "Although, you're right. I do look hot wet. Especially now, since the water makes this ugly brown dress look black—"

"THERE'S THE DUMBASS WHO STARTED A RAINSTORM AT MY SON'S RECEPTION!" came the loud, booming voice of Red Forman as he marched up and grabbed Kelso by the scruff of the neck. "How many times do I have to stick my foot up your ass today until you quit behaving like a dumbass?"

"I don't know. How many? Wait…Is this a trick question?" Kelso asked as he was carted off by Red.

"Alright! Another Red Forman foot-in-the-ass show!" Hyde chuckled.

Jackie shrugged. "Beats the Candy and Mandy show…"

They then proceeded to watch the Red Forman foot-in-the-ass show with morbid fascination…

"Whoa! He wasn't lying when he said he could stick his foot up higher!" Hyde said in awe.

A moment later, he turned away and said, "Jackie, sometimes wreaking havoc isn't a bad thing." Glancing up to see Red chasing Kelso with a chair, "In fact, sometimes it's a _great_ thing…especially when it leads to ass-kicking."

"It's the Kamikaze's," Jackie stated flippantly. "They make me badass."

Hyde gave her an approving nod and opened his mouth to say something when ABBA's _Dancing Queen _came blasting form the DJ booth.

"Oh my God! I love this song!" Jackie squealed in glee.

"I _can't believe_ Eric and Donna allowed disco," Hyde grumbled.

"What the hell are Fez and Laurie doing? That's not the way you dance to this song!" Jackie bitched as she watched Fez and Laurie getting down and dirty on the dance floor. "Steven, hold my Kamikaze," she ordered, shoving her drink at him. "I need to go show these morons how disco is done!"

Jackie then marched off without a backwards glance…

…leaving Hyde to shrug and say "To the Disco Queen of Point Place" before downing her Kamikaze.

***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

"Did you hear what I said? _Jackie?_ Are you there? Jackie? JACKIE!!!!!!"

Jackie was startled from her recollections of Donna's reception by the Amazon woman's loud, manly voice on the other end of the phone.

Putting the phone to her ear, "Oh my God! Donna! I'm sorry," she apologized. "I was busy thinking about more important things related to me. What were you saying?"

She heard Donna sigh with impatience. "I was saying you were right. My wedding reception was a disaster, but that wasn't your fault. Kelso was the one who burned and flooded the place…and actually it turned out to be a lot of fun. Who knew dancing barefoot in a soaked wedding dress would be such a blast?"

Jackie was glad Donna couldn't see her shift uncomfortably. "Well, if anyone's barbaric enough to enjoy it, it's you," she replied, hiding any unease she felt.

"Hey! If I recall correctly, you were having a pretty good time on the dance floor yourself. Just admit it, my wedding totally rocked."

"I admit that wedding totally suited you and Eric, but if that was my wedding, I'd still be in therapy. I _am_ glad Point Place Hotel's reception hall was trashed though. That place was just tacky."

"Fine, you don't have to admit my wedding was like the best wedding ever. I already know my wedding was the best ever," Donna joked. "I mean, how often do you get to see Hyde dance to disco? I still can't believe he did that…"

"Yeah, he claimed he had some weird reaction to the Kamikaze he drank. Served him right. He was supposed to be holding that for _me!_" Jackie stated. "You know, I hope Steven and I can get along this Christmas…"

"You two seemed to get along alright when you were discoing away at my wedding" came Donna's teasing voice.

"Ugh! I know, but he's so confusing. I never know how he's going to be. One minute he's a complete ass and the next he's…he's…_not_ a complete ass."

"That's a typical man for you."

"Whatever," Jackie said dismissively. "I'm just glad I'm not dating Steven anymore. He drove me crazy. He didn't know how to be real boyfriend. Not like Rick. My Rick is so wonderful…"

Donna groaned. "Oh God, I don't have to listen to another 'Rick is wonderful' rant, do I? I mean, I've never met the guy but from everything you say it sounds like the man should be up for sainthood."

"I can't help it if my boyfriend is like totally perfect and I want to talk about him!" Jackie retorted. "Besides, I listen to you bitch about Eric's Star Wars conventions. It's only fair you listen to me. And you'll get to meet Rick soon. I promise you'll love him."

"If he's half as _wonderful_ as you say he is, I'm sure I will."

"Yes, you will, but you can't have him. He's _my _man."

"_Please._ I have Eric, remember?" Donna scoffed.

"Yeah, but he hardly counts as a man. Once you meet Rick, you'll realize I wasn't exaggerating on the wonderful scale," she told her. She then went into a dream-like trance. "Rick's the type of guy I've always imagined being with. He's sweet, understanding, good-looking—"

"_Rich_," Donna coughed into the phone.

Jackie continued as if she hadn't heard her. "He's everything I ever wanted and more. He's like a real-life Prince Charming except with an Aston Martin instead of a white horse. Which is _why_ I am moving in with him—"

"Whoa!" Donna broke in, "You're actually going through with that? I thought you were still thinking about it…"

"No, I decided a few days ago I'd move in with him. I mean, after he first asked me I thought maybe it was too fast, but then I thought…we've been dating for two and a half years, who was I kidding? I'm actually packing my boxes now. I'm moving as soon as I get back from Point Place."

"Wow…you really are serious about this guy. I wasn't sure before since…well, since you haven't ever brought up some manipulative scheme to try to trick him into marrying you," Donna admitted.

"Yeah, well, I don't do that anymore. I don't want to be Train Jackie and wreak havoc," Jackie explained unsatisfactorily to her friend.

"_Huh?_ Train Jackie? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Never mind, Donna. All you need to know is I've decided Rick is _the one_."

"You've _decided?_"

"Yeah. I've thought about it, and he's so wonderful I don't see how he couldn't be _the one_. So, I've just gone ahead and decided he's _the one_."

"Uh…alright, then" was Donna's none-too-prolific response.

Jackie was annoyed with her friend's response…or lack of a response. "That's all you have to say? I tell you I've decided Rick is _the one_ and you aren't excited or anything for me?"

"Sorry…uh…WooHoo!" Donna tried lamely.

"Whatever, Donna. I'm going back to packing. You should go and practice your acting skills because they suck," Jackie said dismissively before hanging up on Donna.

Jackie frowned. Donna should have been happier for her. A good friend would have lied and faked enthusiasm no matter how they felt.

* * *

_2 hours later…_

_Still Jackie's Apartment_

Moving sucks, Jackie decided. How the hell had she accumulated so much stuff? She'd been packing for hours and she wasn't even half done…

"I miss Fez," she whined as she started stuffing her high-heels into a box. "I need a new foreign friend to do manual labor for me."

Jackie's mood got worse and worse as she packed. She loved getting stuff…particularly shiny, sparkly stuff, but she _hated_ sorting through said stuff.

Her mood brightened considerably upon the entrance of her _wonderful_ boyfriend, Rick. How could it not? Rick was tall, dark, and handsome. She could just stare at him all day.

"Hey, gorgeous," he greeted as he elegantly swept through the room and gave her a kiss. "How's the packing going?"

She pouted, sticking her bottom lip out in a hopefully cute way. "Awful! It's taking forever! I had to cancel a hair appointment, and you know I have to go tape later. I'm going to look terrible on-camera."

He smiled sweetly at her. "Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't look awful if you tried."

"That's _true._"

"See? No worries," he comforted. "Besides, I got you something that might make you feel better…"

Jackie's eyes lit up. "You got me a present? _Where?_ Is it shiny and sparkly?"

"_Both,_" Rick chuckled, handing her a small box wrapped in pink paper.

She quickly tore off the wrappings and opened the box. Inside was a gold keychain with "Jackie" scripted on it in diamonds.

"Oh my gosh! My name is written in diamonds! I love it!" she squealed.

He smiled and pulled a couple keys out of his pocket. "You can use this to hold these…the keys to _our_ apartment."

She smiled back at him. "Thank you. It's wonderful…_you're_ wonderful. Everything is wonderful…"

She paused.

"Except for the packing," she corrected. "The packing is _not_ wonderful."

Rick surveyed the disarray. "Will it be wonderful if I help you?"

"Yes! That would be wonderful!" she cheered, giving him a kiss on the cheek before going into bossy-Jackie mode. "Start over there with the records and make sure you don't pack them flat. When you're done with that you can help me with the second load of my shoes."

Rick shook his head but went to do as he was told. "You do have a lot of stuff, don't you?"

"Tell me about it. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's almost…_too much_." She shuddered after saying the words.

"Does that mean you want me to stop buying you presents?" he teased.

"Of course not!" she protested loudly.

He grinned at her.

Packing was exhausting work. To her horror, Jackie found she was beginning to "glisten" (Pretty girls don't sweat). At least they had managed to get her record collection and most of her accessories packed.

"Jackie!" Rick called, coming out of her room. "I always knew you were a closet Led Zeppelin fan!" he said, holding up an old, used Led Zeppelin t-shirt.

Jackie gasped in shock. "W-Where did you find that?"

"It was way, _way _in the back of your closet."

_Crap._ He wasn't supposed to go back there.

Now she was "glistening" more than before. "That's because I don't wear ugly, baggy shirts like that," she explained. "Someone gave that to me once and I felt bad so I took it. Thought maybe I could use it as a cleaning rag. I am _not_ a Led Zeppelin fan."

Rick seemed amused at her denial. "Then how do you explain all the Led Zeppelin albums I packed? You had the whole collection."

"Uh…"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice the records you had hiding conspicuously on the floor behind your unicorn figurines? Don't worry, I packed them with your other albums."

_Damn him._ He loved to tease. "I don't know to what you're referring," she replied airily.

"_Really?_ Should I go re-open the box?"

"No, no. That won't be necessary…and _give me_ that shirt," she said, grabbing it off him. "I'll just start a new box…the 'Ugly shirts of bands I don't like' box…"

* * *

_4 hours later…_

_New York City, New York_

_WNBC News Studio_

"This is Jacqueline Burkhart, reporting for WNBC News' Consumer Corner," Jackie said, smiling brightly into the camera. "This week I have the distinct…_pleasure_ of reviewing the Chia Pet."

_God, this segment is going to be stupid…_

She picked up the Chia Pet in an exaggerated fashion to show the viewing audience. "Now this is what the Chia Pet looks like when you buy it—an ugly green-brown animal with holes in it. This is supposed to be a ram…Why anyone would bother to make a ram figurine is beyond me—"

"_Ahem_" she heard a producer cough from the side.

"—What I mean is they've recently come out with some new Chia Pets, including a puppy and a kitten," she continued with mock-enthusiasm. "So, if you want something that's _not completely_ hideous, I suggest you go with those."

"_Ahem_."

"Right. So, the whole point of the Chia pet is to water it for several days to make this green weed-thingy grow out of it so it looks like _this_." She picked up a fully grown Chia Pet to show the audience.

_This has to be the dumbest product ever…_

"As far as if I can recommend this product…I would have to say _no_. I mean, the thing is ugly to begin with, but it becomes really ugly when the weird sprouts come out of it. And why are there sprouts popping out of animal figurines anyway? It _so_ doesn't make sense—"

"_Ahem_" that annoying producer coughed again. _Couldn't she just chill?_

"—Bottom line…if you want something really weird and ugly that's bound to clash with the décor in your home, then this is the product for you. If you are a person with a shred of decent taste, however, don't buy this product. I would suggest Swarovski Crystal for home decoration—"

"_AHEM_."

"—So, that's this week's Consumer Corner. This is Jacqueline Burkhart for WNBC News signing off."

"CUT!" the annoying coughing woman yelled.

Jackie immediately went to go thank the crew. "Thanks for making me look so good, Andy," she told the camera guy. "I know you'll all miss me next week because I'm going home for the holidays, but you'll just have to—"

"Miss Burkhart, can I see you for a moment?"

It was the producer woman who kept hacking up her lungs.

_Great._

"What would you like to talk to me about, Ms. Burns?" Jackie asked in a falsely sweet voice.

Victoria Burns was a tall, blonde woman who Jackie might consider attractive if she wasn't such a bitch.

"Miss Burkhart, what have I told you about interjecting your personal opinion into the piece?"

"But it's a _consumer report_ segment. That's what it's all about!"

"It's about introducing the product. Nobody cares that much about what a ditzy little brunette has to say about—"

"You're just mad because I'm prettier than you and you can't fire me," Jackie accused.

"I can fire you—"

"No, you can't. The studio heads love me because the ratings of Consumer Corner have shot through the roof since I started. In fact, you're probably trying to make it boring so I'll get fired."

Victoria Burns looked distinctly uncomfortable. "That's not the case."

Jackie folded her arms smugly. "I'm pretty sure it _is_ the case."

"Whatever. I don't have time for this," the flustered woman said. "By the way, you're hair is looking a bit flat today. Make sure you go to the salon before you tape next time," she added before walking away.

"God, that woman's a bigger bitch than I am," Jackie mumbled. "It'll be nice going back to Point Place where _I'm _the biggest bitch."

* * *

_Saturday, December 22, 1984_

_New York City, New York_

_JFK Airport_

"FLIGHT 278 TO KENOSHA REGIONAL AIRPORT IS NOW BOARDING…"

"That's me," grumbled Jackie.

Nothing was turning out right for Jackie.

First, her hair was unusually flat and listless no matter what she did with it.

Then, her maid had carelessly wrinkled the well-chosen outfit she had spent over four hours picking out for this very occasion, forcing her to chose what she felt was an inferior outfit in an unreasonably short amount of time (only two hours).

Additionally, she was horrified to discover she didn't own a pair of shoes that matched the exact shade of red of her top and she therefore had to settle for a pair of non-matching red high-heels. She loved these particular shoes, _but still_…

Operation Dress to Impress had gone up in flames. If this wasn't a sign that her trip back to Point Place was headed towards disaster, she didn't know what was.

And just when she thought things couldn't get any worse—Rick, her wonderful boyfriend, informed her he was not coming with her back to Point Place as planned. It seemed a business emergency popped up—and no matter how wonderful he might be—the crisis was too important for him to ignore in favor of going with her.

How anything short of world destruction could be more important than her, she didn't pretend to understand. But one thing seemed abundantly clear…

Her trip to Point Place was doomed.

Turning towards said wonderful boyfriend, Rick, "Thanks for taking me to the gate. Are you _sure_ you can't come with me today?"

"Sweetheart, I wish I could come with you today. Of all times for a business emergency…" He paused, putting his hand under her chin. "But cheer up. I'll be in Point Place on Christmas Eve. It's only two days."

"I know. I just have a weird feeling about this trip. I wanted you there with me."

"It'll be alright," he comforted.

It'll be alright? Didn't he understand her current fashion crisis was a precursor to worse things to come?

"LAST CALL FOR FLIGHT 278 TO KENOSHA REGIONAL AIRPORT…"

"You better go," Rick told her.

"I know," she said, throwing her arms around him and giving him a quick kiss. "I'll miss you."

"See you in two days," he said in parting.

She nodded her head and turned towards the gate…

This was it. She was going back to Point Place. Why was she so nervous? It was only for the holidays…then everything would be back to normal.

So, why did she feel like everything was about to change?

Shaking her head free of such thoughts, she tried to be positive.

Her _slightly_ less-than-perfect fashion didn't mean anything. She was Jackie Burkhart. No matter what she was wearing, she was still hot.

Her renewed positivity lasted all of twenty seconds…after which the heel of her left shoe broke as she entered the gate.

It was official. Her trip to Point Place was doomed.

And with a distinct feeling of dread looming over her fashionably-handicapped self, she lifted her broken-heeled shoe and hobbled her way onto the plane.

* * *

Coming Up in Chapter 3: Christmas is just around the corner and the gang discusses Jackie's arrival with her boyfriend—much to Hyde's chagrin. Plus, Hyde remembers the disaster that was Thanksgiving 1983…the last time he and Jackie met.

A/N: Super duper thanks to everyone who read/reviewed chapter 1. For everyone who reviewed—I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far! That means a lot to me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you're wondering why that lip-lock at the end of chapter 1 wasn't addressed, let's just say that will be dealt with _later_. And for those who want to know—this story will span 12 chapters.

Thanks for Reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	3. You Can Go Home Again, Part 2

Previously in Chapter 2: Jackie's made a life for herself in New York…alongside her boyfriend, Rick. After flashing back to Eric and Donna's wedding reception and remembering the havoc she and Hyde caused, Jackie prepares to spend Christmas at Point Place. When Rick delays his plans to join her and a horrifying shoe malfunction occurs, Jackie boards the plane feeling that everything is about to change.

Disclaimer: I haven't acquired any rights. Therefore, I have no claim on anything pertaining to _That '70s Show_.

**Chapter 3- You Can Go Home Again…to Wreak Havoc (Part 2)**

* * *

_Friday, December 21st, 1984_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Basement_

"Isn't it great to have the gang all back together? Look at us, hanging out the basement, watching TV. It's like we never left—"

"Forman, quit yapping like a girl," Hyde barked. "Can't you see I'm trying to watch _Family Feud?_"

"_See?_" Eric said fondly, widening his hands. "Hyde's pissed off already. _It's_ _like we never left_."

Hyde glared at his fidgety friend.

"I don't see why you insisted on watching _Family Feud_, Hyde," Kelso pouted. "_The Price is Right _is like _way_ better. I mean, they have a giant wheel! I could watch that thing for hours…"

"I just didn't want to watch it," Hyde said shortly. "There's too many old ladies who can't reach the wheel…"

"I am with you, my friend," Fez chimed in. "I much prefer _Family Feud_. That Richard Dawson is _foxy._"

The guys all looked at Fez in disgust.

"Fez, you think Richard Dawson is foxy?" questioned Eric.

Fez didn't seem to comprehend the creepiness of his statement. "Of course. The ladies think so too. Do you see how much action he gets on the show?"

Eric shook his head. Addressing the room, "_See?_ Fez making inappropriate comments. It's like we never left," he stated, seemingly unable to let a single reminiscing opportunity pass by.

"Forman, don't make me hit you," Hyde warned. "Better yet, I'll get Donna to do it. Where is that wife of yours anyway?"

"Probably still on the phone with Jackie," Eric answered. "Their phone conversations can last hours. I just hope Donna doesn't get a headache from Jackie's piercing voice like last time. That means I won't get lucky tonight…"

"Man, I'm so excited to see Jackie!" Kelso exclaimed. "I haven't seen her in forever. I hope she's still hot. If she is, maybe I can do it with her. She still owes me since she never screwed me at Eric's wedding."

"Kelso, give it up," Fez told the tall, stupid man. "Jackie is not going to do it with you. She's moved on to bigger and better pastures…like that super rich boyfriend of hers in New York."

Kelso looked disappointed. "Man, she's still with that guy she wouldn't shut up about last Thanksgiving? That was annoying. '_No, Michael, I have a boyfriend. I don't want to do it with you on the dining table._' '_Michael, get your hand off my leg. I have a boyfriend._' '_Michael, for the last time, I have a boyfriend. If you don't start putting your clothes back on, I'll castrate you_,'" he said, imitating Jackie. "What does 'castrate' even mean?"

"You're better off not knowing," Eric told him. He paused for a moment in thought. "It'll be interesting to finally meet Jackie's boyfriend. Donna says she hardly shuts up about him. Of course, Jackie hardly shuts up period."

"Oh yes," Fez jumped in, "Jackie always talks about him. She says he's wonderfully sweet, wonderfully good-looking—"

"Wonderfully rich is more like it," Hyde broke in. "C'mon, we all know Jackie is only with him cuz she wants to bag a rich husband."

"I don't know, Hyde. I'm not sure that's the reason she's with him. She's been with him for over two years," Eric argued. At the look Hyde shot him, "Well, I'm not sure it's the _only _reason she's with him."

Hyde leaned forward in his seat. "Forman, this is Jackie we're talking about. She only cares about superficial things…like money and unicorns. Of course she's only with him cuz he's rich. If he went broke, she'd dump him so fast he'd get whiplash."

Eric was about to respond when Fez beat him to it. "Hyde, buddy, you are wrong on this one," he announced. "Sure, Jackie is shallow and superficial, but she would not date somebody just because he's rich. She dated you and Kelso and neither of you are rich. Besides, she also said her boyfriend is wonderfully good-looking so you have to take that into account. I wonder if he's as foxy as Richard Dawson…"

"_Whatever._" Hyde sat back in his seat and folded his arms. He didn't like the penetrating look Forman was giving him.

Eventually, Eric shrugged. "Well, I guess we'll all find out if he's as foxy as Richard Dawson tomorrow when they arrive…_I can't believe I just said that_." Shaking his head, Eric continued, "It will be nice to see Jackie. I mean, she's loud and annoying, but the basement's not quite the same without her. It's too quiet."

Hyde gave him a pointed look. "Nothing's wrong with a little quiet, Forman. When it's quiet, you can actually hear _Family Feud_."

Eric ignored him. "I just hope Jackie coming doesn't bring on another fiasco. The last two times she was here disaster struck."

Fez leapt to Jackie's defense. "Eric, Jackie didn't bring on any fiasco. That was Kelso's stupidity."

"Hey! How many times do I have to tell you I didn't do it?" Kelso cried.

Everyone ignored him.

"Yeah. That was some Thanksgiving, man," Hyde said with a smug grin…

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_Thursday, November 24th, 1983_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Basement_

Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez were all gathered around the basement as Jackie persisted in yapping endlessly about her "wonderful" boyfriend.

"Rick is _so _wonderful. You want to know how wonderful he is?" Jackie asked excitedly, clapping her hands together.

The gang groaned.

"Jackie, you've been telling us how wonderful he is for the past hour. I think we've all gotten a fairly good idea of how wonderful he is," Eric commented.

"Yeah, Mr. Wonderful would be a hell of a lot more wonderful if he wasn't so damn wonderful," Hyde added. "That way, you could shut the hell up."

Jackie glared at him.

"You know what think is wonderful?" Kelso butt in. A stupid grin spread across his face. "_A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_. Man, I just love it when Snoopy decorates his doghouse…"

"Michael, that's the Christmas special," Jackie pointed out.

"Oh yeah…" Kelso chuckled at his own stupidity. "You know, they should air Christmas cartoons all year round. I could watch that scene where Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown over and over again…_It's classic._"

"Actually, Kelso, _that's_ the Thanksgiving special," Donna corrected.

"Whatever, it's still funny. Lucy majorly burned Charlie Brown…" Kelso then broke out into hysterical laughter at the thought of such a spectacular burn.

Eric frowned. "I never liked Lucy. I mean, what sort of evil woman would pull the football away at the last second?"

"Eric, you're such a moron," Jackie told him.

Kelso ceased his hysterical laughter and looked at Jackie. "Hey, Jackie. You kind of remind me of Lucy. She's all bitchy and mean and stuff—"

Eric's eyes went wide. "Oh my God! He's Right!" he exclaimed, pointing at Jackie. "You're Lucy! You're the sort of evil woman who would pull the football away at the last second!"

Donna squinted at Jackie. "You know, she does bear a resemblance to Lucy…"

"Why am I friends with you people?" asked an affronted Jackie. "I am _way_ too pretty to be compared to a cartoon character!"

Hyde folded his arms and smirked. "Whatever you say, _Lucy._"

Fez, who had been eating out of a Mickey Mouse PEZ dispenser, looked up in confusion. "Lucy? Who is Lucy? Why are you referring to Jackie as Lucy? You people are ridiculous." He then held up his PEZ dispenser in delight. "Don't you just love PEZ? I mean, who wouldn't want to eat candy out of a beloved cartoon character?"

Everyone stared at him.

"God, between cartoons and candy, I might as well be hanging out with four-year-olds," Jackie loudly complained. "I'm so glad I have a boyfriend who is an actual adult. Wait…did I mention how wonderful he is?" She squealed in excitement. "He's so wonderful that…"

The gang groaned. Loudly.

"Kill me now. She's gone into another Mr. Wonderful rant," Eric whimpered.

"Do you think she'd notice if we all got up and left?" Hyde asked.

Jackie looked around the room with a disgruntled expression. "Guys? Are you listening to me?"

"Not really," Fez answered honestly.

Jackie continued as if she hadn't heard him. "_As I was saying,_ Rick is so wonderful. When I told him I'd never been to Paris, he flew me there for the weekend! In a private jet!"

"Jackie, you went to Paris for a weekend?" Donna gasped.

"Yeah. And you were so right, Donna. Paris looks nothing like Point Place. Paris is so beautiful, it's a travesty I ever compared it to this sad little town," Jackie responded. She gave Donna a would-be sympathetic look. "Too bad you're stuck in Point Place with Eric and you'll never get to see it. Don't you wish you were me so you could have such a wonderful boyfriend?"

Donna looked thoughtful.

"Hey!" Eric cried in indignation.

"What? No! Eric, I would never want to replace you," Donna assured her husband. "But I would like to go to Paris…" She took on a determined expression. "And I will get to Paris! It just may take a while to afford…"

"Whatever you say, Donna," Jackie scoffed. "Rick is so wonderful, he gives me anything I want _now._ Like this five-hundred dollar pair of shoes I pointed to in the store window the other day. And you know what? He bought them for me! Finally! A guy who realizes what I'm worth!"

"So, you're saying you're worth a five-hundred dollar pair of shoes?" Hyde questioned thoughtfully. "Good to know. Though I think you're overestimating your worth on that one."

Jackie scowled. "Steven, I'm worth way more than a poor person like you could ever understand! Anyway…what was I saying? Oh yeah, Rick is _so _wonderful…"

Oblivious to any discontent outside of her own self-absorbed world, Jackie continued to ramble on…

And on…

And on…

…until the gang had fallen into a catatonic state as a result of her excessive talking.

"Can't…take…anymore…" moaned Eric as he slumped over on the side of the couch.

Fez was equally pathetic as he reached for his PEZ dispenser. "Need…candy…for…strength…"

Donna shook her head. "You can't take anymore? I have to hear this all the time when she calls me. Believe me, she can go on for hours."

Fez gave Donna a look of awe. "Donna, you are a saint. I don't know how you do it. Even I have to hang up on Jackie once she starts talking about Mr. Wonderful."

"Well, to be honest, sometimes I'll just leave the phone off the hook, go do my laundry, and come back," Donna sheepishly admitted. "But she's _still _talking when I come back."

"Jackie talks a lot more now than when I dated her," Kelso commented. A dazed expression took over his face. "But maybe that was cuz we were too busy doing it! And it was really awesome when we were doing it—"

Donna made a face. "_Eww._ Kelso, I so don't need to hear about this—"

"—But now that I think about it, she talked a lot even when we were doing it. I just never paid attention."

Hyde stared at his overly-talkative ex-girlfriend. "Yeah, things were a lot easier when I could just make-out with her to get her to shut her pie-hole."

Throughout their discussion, Jackie continued to obliviously chatter away. "Seriously, guys. Rick is the most wonderful boyfriend. I didn't even know boyfriends could be this wonderful. But then again, look at who I was dating—"

"Hey!" came three simultaneously shouts from Kelso, Fez, and Hyde.

"Jackie, how can you say I wasn't a wonderful boyfriend? I took you to The Hub _all the time_," Kelso protested.

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and you made me pay _all the time._"

"What about me? Was I not wonderful?" Fez interjected. "I bought you lots of candy!"

"Yeah, and you _ate it all._"

Everyone turned to Hyde, expecting him to say something…

"Hey! As far as I'm concerned, I'm wonderful for tolerating her in the first place!"

"Look, none of you even compare to how wonderful Rick is," Jackie stated, ignoring Hyde's slight. "If I had known the quality of men was so much better in New York, I would have moved there _ages_ ago."

"Hey! Not all the men in Point Place are losers!" Donna argued. She looked about the room. "Eric's not a loser…" she tried feebly.

Jackie scoffed loudly. "_Please._ Eric barely counts as a man."

"Hey! How can you say—"

"Actually, Forman. She has a point."

Eric's jaw dropped. "Hyde! How can you say that—"

"Do you still play with action figures?"

"Well…yes. But I'll have you know—"

"I rest my case," Hyde cut off, adjusting his sunglasses.

Jackie turned to Donna. "Donna, I feel so bad for you. You'll never know what it's like to be with a real man. Wait until you see how wonderful Rick is…"

Hyde observed the petite brunette in exasperation. "Jackie, the way I see. There's no way Mr. Wonderful can actually be that wonderful."

"Why's _that?_"

"Because there is no way someone that wonderful would be with you. Mr. Wonderful should ride off into the sunset with Miss Wonderful. Not some self-absorbed, loud-mouthed brat."

Jackie had a dangerous gleam in her eye and opened her mouth to retort…

"I have an idea!" Donna suddenly exclaimed in a falsely cheerful voice. "Let's talk about something else!"

"I have some things I'd love to say about Steven—"

"Jackie, you've had your chance to speak…let someone else have a turn," Donna nervously insisted, causing Jackie to pout.

"But Donna—"

"What Donna is trying to say is shut the hell up," Fez interrupted.

"_Fez!_"

"Jackie, you know I adore you, but I cannot listen to your high, shrilly voice a moment longer," Fez bluntly told her.

"I have something I want to talk about," Eric declared. He looked around at everyone. "What the hell was George Lucas thinking when he made Luke and Leia brother and sister?"

The gang groaned. _Very_ Loudly.

"That's it, man. I can't take anymore of this girlish chatter," Hyde announced. "Besides, we have much more important things to do."

Eric scowled at him. "What could be more important than discussing _Star Wars?_"

Hyde grinned.

* * *

_20 minutes later…_

The entire gang was now in circle formation sporting bemused expressions.

"Hyde, man. You were right. This is better than discussing _Star Wars_," Eric remarked in a faraway voice. "I can't even remember why I was so upset about _Star Wars._" He frowned. "Ahhh…I remember now. Luke and Leia are…I can't even say it. If only I could talk to George Lucas and find out what he was thinking…"

Donna looked at her husband in exasperation. "Why did I marry you?" she asked. Then, giggling, "Seriously, why did I marry you? I can't remember…"

Kelso was busy cackling hysterically for seemingly no reason. "Man, I was just thinking about Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown…that was an awesome burn!"

Hyde surveyed Kelso through his shades. "You know what, man? You may be onto something with this Lucy thing. I mean, Lucy's bossy, self-centered, and abusive towards Charlie Brown. She practically _is_ Jackie. I'm not sure how, but this may all be part of some government conspiracy…"

Fez finished pouring candy from his PEZ dispenser into his mouth. "What is it with you people referring to Jackie as Lucy? I don't get it…eh, it doesn't matter. As long as I get to eat my candy out of Mickey Mouse…"

Jackie gave Fez a disgusted look. "Fez! What's wrong with you? It's like you're eating Mickey's internal organs! You're killing Mickey Mouse!"

Fez looked at his candy in horror before scowling at Jackie. "You bitch! You've ruined PEZ for me! You are Lucy!" He stopped ranting suddenly. "Though I still have no idea who Lucy is…"

Eric had now worked himself up into a frenzy. "Seriously, what was George Lucas thinking? _Return of the Jedi_ has scarred me for life! All those times Donna and I dressed up as Luke and Leia…it's like I was doing it with my sister!"

Silence.

"Forman. Too much information, man," Hyde candidly stated.

Eric was about to reply when…

"Hey! Morons! Get your lazy asses upstairs and get ready to take part in this damn holiday cheer!" came the loud, pissed-off voice of Red Forman into the basement.

Startled, everyone jumped back from the circle.

"_Crap._ It's Red. Hide the evidence," Hyde ordered as he began waving his hands to clear the smoke in the room.

A second later, Red entered. "Why are you jackasses always hanging out in the basement? None of you even live here anymore."

"Yes, but the basement holds such fond memories of our delinquent youth," Fez responded.

Red sternly examined Fez. "Well, go and reminisce somewhere else, Pedro. From now on, you dumbasses are going to sit in the living room like normal people. Kitty and I had to fumigate this place to get rid of the funny smell after Steven moved out."

"Dad, what's going on?" Eric asked, fidgeting nervously.

"Your mother's gotten it into that head of hers that this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever," Red told him. "So you all better get the hell upstairs and suffer through this hellish holiday."

No one budged.

"Either get moving or line up so I can stick my foot in your asses one at a time!" Red barked.

They immediately raced for the exit, tripping over themselves in the process.

Red paused and sniffed the air. "Damn. That funny smell is back in the basement again…"

* * *

_10 minutes later…_

_Forman's Living Room_

The gang all looked miserable as Red watched TV from the couch.

Red took a sip out of the beer can he was holding. "See? This is the way Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Sitting down with a beer to watch football."

"Mr. Forman, how come you are the only one who gets to drink beer?" inquired Fez.

"Because I'm the only man in this house."

"But, Dad, we're all of age—"

"Can it, Eric. Age has nothing to do with beer. Beer is a man's drink. Once you to prove you're a man, you can have a beer."

"Mr. Forman, that's awfully sexist—"

"Donna, you had the lack of sense to marry my son. I don't think you're one to judge," Red cut off.

Hyde pointed to the TV. "Whoa! Did you see that tackle? The Lions are totally pummeling the Steelers!"

Red nodded approvingly. "See? Steven enjoys watching men pummel each other. Now that's a man." He pulled out another beer that was hidden behind a pillow on the couch. "Here you go, Steven. Have a beer."

"Thanks, Mr. Forman." Hyde grinned mockingly at the rest of the guys.

The guys glared back.

"Hey! How come Jackie gets to drink?" Kelso piped up.

"Because I'm better than the rest of you people," Jackie answered matter-of-factly.

Hyde noted the drink in her hand. "You're still drinking Kamikazes? Is that what the rich and uptight do these days? Drink their pathetic, shallow lives away?"

"_Please._ There's nothing pathetic or shallow about my life, Steven! I live in the Upper East Side of Manhattan!" Jackie exclaimed. "Besides, you're one to talk about drinking their lives away."

"If you're referring to some of my unfortunate drunken experiences—"

"Is that what you call it when you're so out of it you marry a stripper?"

"—I'll have you know that the absence of a certain brunette from one's life can make one remarkably sober."

"How can you say that—"

"You're Train Jackie, remember? You crash into people and wreak havoc. Hence the need to get drunk."

Turning red, "Shut up, Steven!" Jackie shrieked. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about—"

"For God's sake, you two are blocking out the TV. I can't hear the football commentary," Red complained, turning up the volume.

"Sorry, Mr. Forman. Steven here doesn't understand how to treat people of high class," Jackie apologized.

"I'm so sorry, your highness. Why don't I just bend down and kiss your five-hundred dollar shoes?" Hyde sarcastically spat.

"Well, I'd let you, but I'm afraid I might catch your poor germs—"

"ENOUGH!" yelled Red. He turned to Jackie. "_You._ Shut that shrilly mouth of yours. I don't give a damn what you're upset about."

Jackie shrugged, glaring at Hyde as she took a sip of her Kamikaze.

Red then turned to Hyde. "And _you._ Learn how to talk to women because all that bellyaching is giving me a headache."

"But Mr. Forman, she acts like she's better—"

"Steven, do I have to take away your beer?"

Hyde shook his head.

Red nodded before addressing the rest of the room. "Do any of you other dumbasses have anything to say?"

Silence.

Red smirked. "Good. Now I can get back to my football game…"

Mrs. Forman came bounding in from the kitchen.

"_I spoke too soon,_" Red grumbled.

"I hope you're all ready for the best Thanksgiving ever!" Mrs. Forman cheerfully exclaimed. "You're all just going to love my baby carrots!"

A few people grunted in response.

Mrs. Forman's face fell. Then she began to laugh. "That's alright. Don't you worry about _me._ I've only been slaving away in the kitchen for eight hours. But you all just sit there watching TV as if you don't give a damn about my baby carrots. It doesn't bother me." She stopped laughing. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to down some hard alcohol…"

Jackie followed the older woman to the bar. "Mrs. Forman, may I suggest a Kamikaze?" she asked, holding up the drink in question.

"Actually, I was thinking about something with Kahlua, dear," Mrs. Forman remarked absently before looking at Jackie. "Oh, my! Don't you think you're a bit young for hard alcohol?"

Flipping her hair, "I'm twenty-three. Besides, I live in New York and men are jackasses," Jackie responded, glaring in Hyde's direction.

Mrs. Forman chuckled as she began making herself a drink. "Oh, believe me. I know all about men being jackasses."

"Yeah, all they do is criticize while they watch sports and drink beer. Well, all men except for my wonderful boyfriend. _He_ would never sit on a couch, drink beer, and criticize me," she heatedly ranted. "Unlike some previously poor scruffy bastard with bad taste in music I know!"

Hyde sighed. "Jackie, you know I can hear you…and I have excellent taste in music."

Not paying attention, Mrs. Forman slammed down the drink she was holding. "You know what? You're right!" She eyed her husband with purpose. "Red Forman! Put down that beer and come help me in the kitchen!"

"But, Kitty, I'm in the middle of a football game—"

"NOW!"

Red groaned.

* * *

_1 hour later…_

Kelso now occupied Red's seat on the couch and was flipping through the channels with the remote.

"Man, why can't you just leave it on the football game?" Hyde asked.

"Because I don't want to miss _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_," Kelso pouted.

"But Michael, it's not like you haven't seen it before," Jackie argued.

Kelso looked incredulous. "Jackie, you don't understand. There can never be enough Charlie Brown. _Besides,_ it's the same thing as Eric watching _Star Wars_ five million times. I didn't hear you guys complaining then."

Donna gave their slow friend a strange look. "Actually, Kelso, we did."

"Oh yeah…"

"You know, Kelso makes a good point. When something is as phenomenal as _Star Wars_, you can never watch it enough times," Eric said with a contemplative expression.

Everyone groaned, knowing what was coming…

"Kelso, you stupid _sonofabitch!_" Fez exclaimed. "You should know better than to mention _Star Wars _in front of Eric!"

"Yeah, it's bad enough I have to listen to this at home all the time," Donna added.

Eric remained oblivious to any and all protests. "_Star Wars_ has got to be the greatest cinematic experience ever. _Aside from that whole brother-sister thing._ I don't know what George Lucas was thinking—"

"Forman, you've got to let it go—"

"Hyde, you can't tell me I'm the only one who went '_Ew_' after realizing Leia kissed her brother in _The Empire Strikes Back_."

"No, but I'm betting you were the only one who ran from the theatre screaming '_For the love of God! No!'_" Hyde mocked.

"Well, how would you react once you realize you've been role-playing with a character that turned out to be your sister?"

"_Eric, _could you not talk about our sex life?" Donna muttered.

"No, Eric. By all means, share the sordid details of you sex life with Donna," Fez encouraged. "Tell me, does she ever put on that old school girl uniform?"

"Fez!"

"Yeah, that school girl uniform was HOT!" Kelso enthusiastically added. "I'd love to know what else Donna dresses up as. You know, besides your sister," Kelso said to Eric, laughing. "_Burrrrrrn!_"

Eric shivered in disgust. "Look, this is all George Lucas' fault. If he just had Luke and Leia get together instead of making them all related—"

"Eric, give it a rest," Jackie rudely interjected. "Leia never would have ended up with Luke even if he wasn't her brother. He wasn't cool enough."

"How can you say he wasn't cool enough?" Eric asked, aghast. "He had a lightsaber!"

"C'mon, he couldn't even kill that evil guy at the end."

"That's because he was being noble—"

"_Please._ Being noble is stupid."

"How can you say—"

"She's right, Forman," Hyde cut off. "Being noble is stupid. Being noble will get you killed." He grinned. "Now, Han Solo. He's one cool character…"

Eric opened and closed his mouth, looking betrayed.

"It seems our dear friend, Eric, is so overcome with despair he has lost the ability to speak," Fez observed. A sad expression took over his face. "I know how he feels. I have a craving for PEZ, but I don't want kill Mickey Mouse…"

The gang was saved from commenting on Fez's bizarre statement when Kelso whooped in excitement, "IT'S ON! _A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING_ IS ON!" Calming slightly, "Man, I can't wait to watch Lucy pull the ball away."

Just as the opening scene to _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_ was about to play…

Red entered the room, noting that Kelso had taken his spot on the couch. "Get out of my seat, dumbass," he ordered.

Kelso looked up in alarm. Pointing to the TV, "But _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_—"

"_Now._ Before I put my foot in your ass—"

Immediately after Red sat down, "What the hell is this on my TV?" He picked up the remote and changed the channel back to the Lions–Steelers game.

Kelso appeared stricken. "But we were watching _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_—"

Red shot him a look. "I just finished helping my wife in the kitchen where she spent the past hour telling me what a jackass I am. I am not going to sit here and watch cartoons."

"But I wanted to see Lucy pull away the ball—"

"QUIET!" Red looked around at his son and his sons' friends in irritation. "I'm starting to think I should have left you all in the basement."

* * *

_30 minutes later… _

The entire gang plus Red sat in the living room watching football in relative silence.

Kelso was busy pouting. "Dude, cartoon football is so much cooler," he whined.

"Can it, dumbass." Red spared him a glance in between football plays. "Why aren't you spending Thanksgiving with that kid of yours anyway?"

"It's Brooke's turn to have Betsy for Thanksgiving and Brooke's parents have barred me from their house," Kelso responded.

"How come?" questioned Eric.

"Oh, they were all upset because I set their drapes on fire with a sparkler." Kelso chuckled. "Talk about overreacting…"

Red shook his head and returned his attention to football.

"Michael, you set their _drapes_ on fire?" Jackie asked, taking a gulp of what must have been her fourth Kamikaze.

Kelso nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, the fire department had to come and everything. I even got to sit in the truck and blow the horn…you know, until they threw me out. It was awesome! I don't get what everyone was so upset about. I mean, how many people can say they had the entire fire department pull up to their house on Thanksgiving?"

"I'm guessing about as many people that had sprinklers soak their wedding reception because _someone_ set off the fire alarm," Donna dryly responded, giving Kelso a meaningful look.

"Yeah," Eric sarcastically agreed. "Hey, what do think the odds are that the _same person_ would set fire to a wedding reception _and_ a pair of drapes on Thanksgiving?"

"Given that it's Kelso, I would say the odds are pretty high," Fez mused.

"Hey! I told you guys I didn't do it!" Kelso cried in defense. "Like I said, someone came up behind me—"

"Kelso, man. You need to give it up…or come up with a better story," Hyde broke in. "I mean, someone attacked you and placed you at the scene of the crime? What kind of lame story is that?"

Jackie flashed Hyde an amused look before adding, "Yeah, Michael. If you're gonna lie, at least make sure the lie is believable. _Trust me._ I know from experience."

"But I'm not lying—"

"Kelso, you're the resident pyromaniac in the group," Hyde cut in, rolling his eyes at the look of pride that overtook Kelso's face at that pronouncement. "What would _you_ think if you were us?"

"I-I…I'd think I did it," Kelso reluctantly conceded.

Hyde folded his arms. "Exactly."

"But I would be wrong!" Kelso objected. "Why are you giving me the fourth degree anyway?" he asked, pouting. "Or is it fifth degree? I can never remember…"

"Try third degree," Eric offered.

"Whatever," Kelso dismissed, shaking his head. "Man, things would be so much better if we could have watched _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_…"

"Will you all stop with the damn yapping so I can watch football?" Red interrupted.

Everyone quieted down as they watched the Lions intercept the ball.

"You know, when I was four I wanted to be a football player," Donna suddenly announced, her tone bitter. "But my mom said '_No! Girls don't play football.'_ Talk about sexist brainwashing…"

Jackie's eyes went wide. "Donna! This explains so much about you!"

Donna ignored her. "There's something wrong with society's mindset when it crushes a little girl's dream…"

Tuning out Donna's indignation, Red remarked, "I always wanted a son to play football with."

"Dad, you have a son," Eric said, pointing to himself. "You could have played football with _me_."

"You don't count. I mean a real son." Red eyed him critically. "One that can _throw_ a football."

"Hey! I can throw a football!" Eric insisted.

Red rolled his eyes at his girly son. "_Sure _you can. You just keep telling yourself that."

A half-resolved, half-crazed look overtook Eric's face. "I can! I'll prove it to you!" he shouted, standing up. Motioning to the rest of the gang, "Let's go play football!"

Donna stood up immediately. "Yeah! Let's play! I'll show all of you that girls can play as well as guys!"

"You better find someone other than Eric to play with then. Cuz he's practically a girl," Jackie advised.

Eric glared at her before looking around the room with steely resolve. "I'll show all of you! After today, there will be no doubt in anyone's mind that Eric Forman is a man." He looked at Red. "A man that deserves to drink beer."

He then turned dramatically on his heel and made his way to the front door—only to trip when he had almost reached his target. Holding up his hands, "I'm alright. The…uh…_floor_ just got in my way."

"Eric, I love you, but I refuse to play on your team," Donna asserted before ushering her protesting husband out the door.

Fez shrugged, sadly putting down his PEZ. "Since I can't eat PEZ, I may as well join in," he sighed. "But wait…how do you play this 'football'? I only ever paid attention to the tight pants the guys wear."

Everyone paused to give Fez an equally appalled look.

Kelso joined his foreign friend, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, little buddy. I'll teach you everything you need to know. The important thing to remember is that you have to try to make as many goals as possible…"

Kelso and Fez then followed after Donna and Eric.

"I gotta see this," Red remarked, pulling out another beer from his hiding place behind the couch pillow. "Besides, I better make sure those dumbasses don't break anything…"

After Red's exit, Hyde remarked, "This has 'disaster' written all over it." He grinned. "This is going to be awesome!" He then made to join his foolish friends…

He stopped in the doorway, remembering something. "Jackie, aren't you coming?"

Jackie shook her head in the negative. "Girls don't play football."

"Donna's playing," he pointed out.

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Donna doesn't count. She's practically a guy."

"Whatever." Hyde shrugged before leaving…

* * *

_40 minutes later…_

Hyde entered the kitchen to find Jackie sipping on _another _Kamikaze.

"Jackie, you gotta come see this! Donna tackled Forman so hard he can barely walk and Kelso keeps making touchdowns for the wrong team. It's awesome!"

Jackie nodded listlessly, her eyes blurry. "I always said that lumberjack was abnormal…and Michael's never been good with direction."

"Yeah, well, what little reason Kelso had left went out the window when Laurie showed up. Kelso just seems to run in the direction the boobs are. Fez was having trouble concentrating too…"

"Ugh! Men are so easy! Fez has had concentration problems since Laurie let him feel her up after the garter toss at Eric and Donna's wedding. I can't believe that skank showed up for Thanksgiving!"

"To be fair, that skank used to live here," he reasoned.

Jackie turned her blurry eyes on him. "Oh! I forgot who I was talking to! Of course _you_ would defend the skank! You love skanks!" she cried, suddenly riled up. "Men are all the same! Jackasses who run after boobs!"

Not liking the course of Jackie's sudden mood swing, Hyde looked around the kitchen. "Where's Mrs. Forman?"

"She went out to get more alcohol." Jackie held up her drink. "We're running low."

"How many of those have you had?"

She shrugged. "Lost count."

"But you're _not_ drinking your pathetic, shallow life away," Hyde sarcastically goaded.

"Shut up, Steven. Compared to me, you're…you're…_poor,_" she lamely insulted. Clearly the Kamikaze's were getting to her.

"Great burn, Jackie. I'll have to remember that one," Hyde mocked.

Jackie's eyes flashed in annoyance. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be playing football?"

Hyde smirked. "I told Fez to cover for me. Said I'd be right back. Yeah, Donna's gonna turn him into a pretzel."

Jackie sloppily slammed her drink on the kitchen counter. "You know what, Steven? That's just like you!"

"What's just like me?" he asked, knowing full well he probably shouldn't.

The furious brunette eyed him with something akin to malice. "Being a selfish, inconsiderate jackass who chases after boobs!"

"Jackie, what are you talking about? I didn't go chasing after boobs," he defended. "The only boobs around here are yours…" Shifting uncomfortably, "…and I, uh, certainly didn't come chasing after them…"

"And why not?" Jackie asked in indignation, looking down at her chest. "My boobs are perfect! Men should be lining up for miles around to see my boobs!"

"Uh…Jackie, I think it's time to lay off the Kamikazes—"

Jackie paid him no mind, intent on her drunken rant. "But _no_, you're too much of a jackass to realize when perfection is right in front of you. It's only a matter of time before you go chasing after some skank's boobs! And when you do, you probably won't bother to think about poor Fez—whose been left behind to become pretzel-ized by Donna. You won't think of how heartbroken he is…or how lonely he is."

Hyde was lost. He didn't know what she was saying.

So he told her, "Jackie, I'm lost. I don't know what you're saying."

"That's no surprise. You _never_ knew what I was saying," Jackie callously replied.

"_Huh?_"

Jackie pointed at him in triumph. "See? That's exactly what I'm saying! You have no idea what I'm saying!" Following that dizzying explanation, "You know who would know what I'm saying? _Rick._ He's so wonderful—"

Hyde's fuse had been growing increasingly short since Jackie began her drunken rambling, but at the mention of Mr. Wonderful—his fuse went from short to non-existent.

"You think I give a damn about your Mr. Wonderful? Mr. Wonderful can take his wonderfulness and shove it up his ass for all I care. In fact, I'm starting to think Mr. Wonderful doesn't even exist. _No one_ can be that wonderful and be real."

Jackie's tiny hands balled into fists. "I didn't make him up. He's real. And he's wonderful. More wonderful than you could imagine. He's so wonderful—"

"Then why are you so miserable right now?" he asked scathingly.

"What are you talking about? I'm not miserable. I'm beautiful, rich, and talented with a wonderful boyfriend—"

"So you're drinking yourself into oblivion out of sheer happiness?"

"Yes!"

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Jackie, that's bull. You're drinking yourself into oblivion because you finally realized how shallow and empty your rich, phony life is. You're drinking yourself into oblivion because no matter how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is, he'll never penetrate that black heart of yours beyond the depth of his wallet."

If laser beams could have shot out of Jackie's eyes, Hyde would have been incinerated. The infuriated brunette didn't say anything—she just stood there, shaking with unreleased anger.

Hyde felt distinctly uncomfortable that his loudmouth ex-girlfriend was _not_ shooting off her loud mouth. Trying to lighten the mood, "You're not trying to be Zen, are you? Because chicks that use seven pounds of hairspray aren't qualified to be Zen—"

"You're right, being Zen never really worked for me. I was always much better at the other part," Jackie acknowledged before she began digging into her purse, which was on the kitchen counter.

"What other part—" Hyde abruptly ceased speaking as realization hit. Nervously watching her, "Jackie, what are you looking for?"

Horror crossed Hyde's face when she located her intended object. "Jackie! You are _not_ spraying me with mace!"

"Yes, I am," she insisted, pointing the bottle at him. "Now hold still so I can spray you properly!"

The only person dumb enough to fall for that line would be Kelso. Hyde, on the hand, ducked out of the way, catching the mace-happy brunette's arm in the process.

"Steven! Let go!"

"Not a chance, _Lucy._"

"I am not Lucy! I am way better looking than that short, plump cartoon—"

"Hey, if the bitchy, self-absorbed shoe fits—"

"Don't be ridiculous! My shoes are far more expensive than hers—"

"You can't be serious!" Pause. "You _are_ serious—"

"Of course I'm serious! Her plain, flat shoes can hardly be worth anything—"

"Jackie, I don't care about shoes! Give me the mace—"

"You should care about shoes! And I'll never give you the mace—"

"You know, it hardly seems fair that you're attacking me with the present _I_ gave you—"

"That's the price you have to pay for being a jackass! Unless you want to buy me a new pair of shoes—"

Throughout their highly ridiculous argument, they continued to struggle over the mace—resulting in the cap on the mace bottle coming loose without Jackie or Hyde realizing…

Tired of the relentless back-and-forth struggle over a bottle of mace, Hyde backed Jackie into the stove and attempted to yank the bottle of mace out of her hand…to no avail. "Damn, Jackie. You have a strong grip for such a little person."

"Like I've said before, in addition to being extremely good-looking, I'm also extremely talented. I can hold on for days." Jackie narrowed her eyes. "So give it up and let go. You can't win."

Hyde surveyed the determined brunette through his shades. "We'll see about that…"

Hyde twisted the mace bottle with an almighty wrench, causing the bottle to come loose. Unfortunately, it also caused all of the contents of the bottle to fly out and spill over the stove, which was currently lighted and happened to be boiling Mrs. Forman's baby carrots…

"Oh, crap…"

"Steven, what…?"

"Jackie, get away from the stove," Hyde barked, physically pulling the now-confused brunette away from the stove to the other side of the kitchen counter.

Jackie squirmed out of his arms. "What's going on?"

Hyde opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted when the top of the stove burst into flames (incinerating Mrs. Forman's baby carrots in the process).

Jackie and Hyde watched with identical looks of horror.

"Steven…?"

"Yeah…?"

"I'm kind of drunk right now, so I just want to make sure I'm not hallucinating. Does the stove look like it's on fire to you?"

"Yep."

"So I'm not hallucinating?"

"Nope."

"We're screwed."

"Yep."

Suddenly all out panic hit lit a freight train…

"Oh my god! Steven! What are we gonna do?"

"Calm down, Jackie," Hyde ordered, though he didn't sound very calm himself. "We just need to find something to put on the fire…"

Jackie desperately searched the area. "Here…" She grabbed her Kamikaze and tossed its contents into the fire. The flames immediately burst higher...

Hyde's jaw dropped. "_What the hell are you doing?_"

"Trying to put out the fire!"

"Not with alcohol, you nitwit! That'll make it worse!"

"How was I supposed to know? You said to put something on it!"

"Not your freakin' Kamikaze!"

Jackie put her hands on her hips in an aggravated manner. "Well, you should really be more specific!"

Hyde shook his head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Let's look for a _fire extinguisher_—"

His words were cut off when the _entire_ stove suddenly burst into flames.

"Damn. It's too late. It's spreading."

Jackie wheeled around on him in anger. "This is all your fault, Steven!"

"My fault? How is this _my_ fault? I wasn't the one who went crazy and tried to attack me with mace!"

"Yeah, well, if you hadn't been such a jackass I wouldn't have had to attack you with mace!"

Hyde noticed the flames were continuing to spread. "Jackie, we need to get out of here! The whole kitchen is gonna go up in flames!" He grabbed her arm and made to leave when she stopped him.

"Steven, wait. What are we gonna tell the Forman's? We can't tell them we set their kitchen on fire! They'll hate us!"

"Yeah, I know," Hyde sighed. He looked over Jackie's head, observing something beyond the Forman's glass doors. "Actually, _we_ don't have to take the fall for this…"

"But how…" She turned and caught his line of sight. "No, Steven. It's too evil. Even for us. We couldn't…_could we?_"

"Well, if you want us to be banned from the Forman's for the rest of our lives that's fine by me."

A determined expression took over Jackie's features. "Let's do it."

Hyde smirked in triumph. "Good. Now listen closely cuz we have to act _fast_…"

* * *

_Around an hour later…_

Everyone was seated around the living room table looking grim.

Except for Kelso, who was sitting on a stool in the corner facing the wall as punishment.

It had been thirty minutes since Red had stopped yelling, twenty minutes since the fire department left, and an hour since Kelso had been found near the Forman's flame-filled kitchen.

The contents of the stove, of course, had not been limited to Mrs. Forman's baby carrots. The Thanksgiving turkey was now way overcooked (to the point of incineration).

No one was stupid enough to break the silence.

Except, of course, Kelso…

"Hey, how cool was it that it was the same firemen that came to Brooke's parents' house when I set fire to their drapes?" he chuckled.

No one laughed.

"Turn around and face the wall, dumbass. Before I decide to stick my foot up your ass. _Again_," Red barked.

Kelso cringed at the memory. "Fine," he huffed, turning back to the wall, "but if you ask me, everyone's making too big a deal of this. This is just like what happened with Brooke's parents…"

"Kelso, I think now would be the time to shut up," Eric murmured.

"Daddy, he ruined Thanksgiving," Laurie pouted.

"It's alright, pumpkin," Red comforted. "It's not your fault your brother is a dumbass."

"Hey!" Eric objected, "I'm not the one who set the kitchen on fire!"

"Whose idiot friend was it that set the kitchen on fire?" Red countered.

Eric opened his mouth to argue when…

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

Donna sighed wearily. "Kelso, you know saying something over and over again doesn't make it true, right?"

"I don't know why no one believes me," Kelso lamented. "Just because I've accidentally set a lot of stuff on fire—"

"_Accidentally?_" Hyde questioned.

Kelso shifted on his stool. "Well…accidentally on purpose…I mean, things just seem to happen when I play with fire—"

"So, you just _happened_ to set the kitchen on fire. Right, Michael?" Jackie jumped in.

"Yeah…NO! I didn't set anything on fire today!" He paused. "Well, I may have set fire to the basketball in the backyard earlier, but I put it out right away! I swear!"

"Look, dumbass," Red interjected, "why don't you sit down, shut up, and try not to set anything else on fire?"

"It hardly matters now," Mrs. Forman, who had been hitting heavy on the booze since her kitchen went up in flames, slurred. "Thanksgiving is ruined! My baby carrots are ruined! We may as well just set the whole damn house on fire!" Mrs. Forman then took a swig of whatever unidentified alcoholic concoction she was pounding down.

Silence fell.

"You know, I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if we had watched _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,_" Kelso commented.

Everyone glared at him.

Kelso squirmed awkwardly. "I'll just, uh, turn back to the wall."

Mrs. Forman set aside her drink. "Well, since my perfect Thanksgiving has gone up in flames, I'll order Chinese…"

"Great. While she orders those Communist bastard's food, I'm gonna watch football. It's the only good thing about this damn day," Red grumbled, making his way over to the couch.

Jackie pulled Hyde aside.

"What's up, dollface?" he asked casually with a barely concealed grin.

"Nobody even suspected us," she whispered excitedly. "Steven! You're brilliant."

His grin was no longer concealed. "Of course I am."

Jackie grinned back. "I can't believe we pulled that off…"

* * *

_1 hour and 5 minutes ago…_

HYDE'S EVIL PLAN: Pin the blame on Kelso.

FIRST OBJECTIVE: Divide and conquer, man.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Okay, Jackie, you know your target. You know what you have to do," Hyde said seriously.

Jackie nodded her head with equal seriousness but replied, "Don't be ridiculous. I won't fail. Jackie Burkhart doesn't know how to fail," before she quickly exited out of the kitchen door towards the living room.

Hyde sighed and exited the kitchen through the back door, his sight landing on _his_ target: Kelso.

"Man, I just hope the moron hasn't grown a brain in the last five minutes," Hyde muttered as he approached Kelso, who appeared to be searching for something. "Hey, Kelso. Whatcha lookin' for?"

Kelso paused in his search. "I'm looking for the other football."

"The other football…?"

"Yeah, the _other_ football. Everyone else is playing with the backup football."

"What happened to the original football?"

Kelso shifted uncomfortably. "Uh…well, you see…some, uh, flying monkeys swooped down and stole it," he replied as if that was a perfectly acceptable explanation and flying monkeys stealing footballs were a common occurrence in Point Place.

Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Flying monkeys…?"

Kelso nodded dumbly. "Yeah, they came out of nowhere and made off with the football. Took it right out of my hands."

"_Really?_" Hyde responded with well-deserved skepticism. At his friend's nod, "Alright. Tell me more about these so-called flying monkeys," he implored. "What did they look like?"

"Well…they looked liked monkeys…but, you know, with _wings_," Kelso awkwardly answered.

"I see. And have you seen these flying monkeys before?" Hyde questioned in mock-seriousness.

"Of course," Kelso insisted, not meeting Hyde's eyes. "Everyone knows about the flying monkeys."

"_Right._" Hyde crossed his arms. "Let me see if I have this right. Some flying monkeys swooped down and stole the football off you. And you've seen these flying monkeys before?"

"Yeah."

"Just out of curiosity, did these flying monkeys happen to be abducting Dorothy at the command of the Wicked Witch the last time you saw them?"

"Maybe…" Kelso reluctantly admitted.

"Imagine that," Hyde remarked with heavy sarcasm. "Now, do you mind telling me how some fictional flying monkeys from a movie managed to steal a football?"

"Uh…well…you see…alright! I confess! There were no flying monkeys! I panicked and threw the ball over the house after Donna came charging after me!" Kelso burst out, giving up the charade. He continued grumpily, "I didn't want you to know I lost the ball because I was afraid of Donna. Damn, Hyde. Couldn't you let me have some dignity?"

"Because there's dignity in having flying monkeys steal a football off of you?"

"Well, _yeah_," Kelso said as if the answer was obvious. "It's much better than having your ass kicked by a girl. Dude, those flying monkeys were hardcore. Dorothy and Toto didn't stand a chance."

Hyde sighed, deciding there was no point attempting anything resembling logic with Kelso. He probably didn't even know what the word "logic" meant. Besides, he had a very important mission he to complete. _Quick._ He didn't have time for any more flying monkey foolishness. Looking around, "Are you sure the football went in this direction?" he asked.

"Red said it went this way, but I could have swore it went in the other direction…" Kelso frowned as if something just occurred to him. "Hey…you don't think Red was trying to get rid of me, do you?"

"No… I'm sure Red loves your company," Hyde responded, his lips twitching in amusement. All of a sudden, an idea came to him. "You know what, man? I'd be happy to find the football for you," he offered.

Kelso smiled goofily. "That'd be terrific, Hyde. You're such a great pal."

Hyde ruefully shrugged his shoulders, thinking of the great mess in the kitchen. "Yep. That's me, Mr. Helpful."

Kelso missed the sarcastic undertone of that statement. "Yeah, Hyde. I really appreciate it. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

Hyde couldn't help grinning at such a convenient offer. "Actually, Kelso. There is something you can do for me. Keep an eye on the kitchen. Make sure nothing goes wrong with Mrs. Forman's Thanksgiving dinner."

"Sure thing," Kelso immediately agreed. "Wouldn't want anything to happen to Mrs. Forman's baby carrots. I _love_ those things."

"So you'll take responsibility for anything that may go wrong?"

"No problem, buddy," Kelso assured with false bravado, "Responsibly is my middle name. Nothing will go wrong on my watch."

Hyde clasped Kelso on the shoulder. "I don't know what I was worried about, man. I knew you couldn't have grown a brain in the last five minutes."

Kelso looked confused for a second before laughing stupidly.

Hyde just grinned.

_Meanwhile…_

Jackie made her way to the Forman's front lawn, where the rest of the gang was playing football…or _attempting _to play football.

Jackie scrunched her nose up as Donna tackled Fez, twisting him into what looked remarkably like a pretzel, causing Fez to fumble the ball. Jackie then watched as the redheaded lumberjack grabbed hold of the ball and ran the length of the yard to make a touchdown (singlehandedly pushing Eric aside in the process).

"Girls can't play football, my ass!" Donna yelled in triumph before she began jerking around in what was clearly supposed to be a victory dance.

Cringing at Donna's horrific dance skills, Jackie looked away from the ridiculous scene and searched for her target.

It took only a moment before she located the blonde skankiness that was _her_ target: Laurie.

Flipping her hair back as only Jackie Burkhart can, Jackie marched her high-heeled self over to the slut in question.

"Hey, look! It's just the whore I was looking for!" Jackie called out as she approached.

Laurie appraised the loud brunette with disdain. "Oh, look who it is! The flat-chested midget!" the blonde sneered in greeting.

Jackie scowled darkly. "Oh, I am _so_ not flat-chested! I'll have you know I am perfectly proportioned."

"Yeah, for a twelve-year-old boy maybe," Laurie bitched back.

"_Excuse me?_ There is nothing boyish about me. Any guy would be lucky to have me."

"Then how come you're not married yet?" Laurie asked scathingly.

Jackie was taken aback. "How come…I'm not…" she sputtered. Collecting herself, "Well, you're hardly one to talk. How come you're not married yet? I guess no one wants to marry some slut who can't keep her legs shut."

Laurie glared at her. "Is there a reason you came over to bother me?"

Jackie froze, realizing she had lost her objective. "Uh…yeah…actually, there's something I need to talk to you about in private."

An evil smirk formed on Laurie's lips. "In private, huh? Sorry, I don't go that way. I always knew there was something off about you. No wonder you could never keep a boyfriend."

"Ugh! You bitch! That's it! I'm done being nice—"

"This is what you call nice? I'd say…_Hey! Where the hell are you dragging me?_"

Jackie had grabbed hold of Laurie's forearm and was dragging her towards the backyard.

"Ow! Let go! You have a strong grip for a midget!"

Jackie made sure to grip harder.

SECOND OBJECTIVE: Get Kelso to follow the boobs.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Hey, Kelso. Check out the boobs," Hyde remarked, noting that Jackie had literally dragged Laurie into view.

Kelso's interest spiked like a dog with a bone. "Boobs? _Where?_" he panted.

Hyde pointed in the direction of Jackie and Laurie (who looked like they wanted to tear the hair out of each other's overly-sprayed heads).

Kelso's head snapped immediately in the direction of the boob-sighting. "Whoa! Check it out! Jackie and Laurie! Both brunette and blonde boobs! Score!"

Hyde rolled his eyes.

"I wonder what Jackie and Laurie are doing together. I thought they hated each other," Kelso continued. Then, being more astute than Hyde would have given him credit for, "Dude, they looked majorly pissed about something. Do you think there will be a chick fight?" He sounded quite excited by the prospect.

Hyde instantly recognized an opportunity to further his mission. "You know what, man? We should really break the two of them up."

"Why would we want to do that? I love a good chick fight! Nothing better than two girls rubbing all over each other!"

Hyde sighed, realizing he had some major convincing to do. "Yeah…but we wouldn't want them to damage their boobs, would we?"

"Damage their boobs?" Kelso looked scandalized by the prospect. "We wouldn't want that!"

"No, we wouldn't want that," Hyde managed with a straight face. "We also wouldn't want Mrs. Forman getting upset about her guests fighting." _She'll already be upset about her kitchen going up in flames._ "I'll take Jackie, and you can distract Laurie…"

"I don't know," Kelso said uneasily. "Why don't you take Laurie? I've been hitting on Jackie all day. Maybe if I try again, she'll finally cave—"

"You're not hitting on Jackie," Hyde instantly bit out, tensing.

"Why not? Jackie and I are both good-looking people, I don't see why we can't do it…_Ow! What'd you hit me for?_"

"Just stay away from Jackie," Hyde warned, not amused. Not wanting to further address the issue, "Besides, you have a better chance of getting Laurie to do it with you," he reasoned. "Of course, she'll do it with just about anybody…"

"I don't know, man—"

"You'll get a closer look at Laurie's rack."

Pause.

"Alright, man. I'm in," Kelso eagerly agreed.

Not wasting a moment, Hyde jerked Kelso over to what appeared to be an escalating argument between Jackie and Laurie.

"Ladies, are we interrupting something?"

Jackie turned to Hyde, a crazed look in her eyes. "Steven, I'm so glad you're here. Tell me. Between me and Laurie, who has the better boobs? Me, right?"

Hyde's jaw dropped.

"_Please,_" Laurie interrupted, "as if those mosquito bites could compare to these babies," she contended, grabbing her chest for emphasis.

Kelso began salivating.

"Yeah, right," mocked Jackie. "It's not all just about size. My boobs are still nice and perky, whereas yours…well, let's just say you're going to need a really good bra in a couple years because those sag bags are going to be hanging around your ankles."

"You bitch!" Laurie shrieked. "You're just jealous because you don't have anything to hang!"

"Jealous? I'm not jealous," Jackie huffed. "My boobs are far superior to yours in size, shape…in every way. I'm sure they even feel better."

"Let me judge that!" Kelso eagerly volunteered, reaching out towards Jackie's boobs.

Hyde frogged Kelso's arm before his wayward hands could reach their destination.

"Ow! Damn, Hyde! Did you have to hit me?"

"Stay away from Jackie's boobs!" Hyde yelled. He then shook his head and sighed. "Whatever. Things have gotten out of hand." Taking hold of Jackie's hand, he announced, "Jackie and I are taking off. You two can stay here and discuss this boob situation further if you wish…"

"I think we should discuss it NOW!" Jackie burst out. "I want it made known that _my_ boobs are far superior to that skank's!"

"Jackie, this is _not_ the time," Hyde whispered harshly as he pulled her away from the scene. "Oh, and don't forget to keep watch over the kitchen, man," he quickly added to Kelso before fleeing the area.

Caught up in Laurie's boobs, Kelso never heard him. "So, Laurie, how about a free boob evaluation?" he was heard asking.

THIRD OBJECTIVE: Haul ass and act ignorant.

ACTION TAKEN:

"C'mon, Jackie. It's only a matter of time before someone discovers the kitchen's on fire," Hyde warned, roughly pulling Jackie away from the backyard.

"Steven, there's no need to manhandle me—"

"Yes, there is. Time is of the essence, and all our plans are literally going up in flames because you were too busy bitching about your boobs—"

"I wasn't bitching about my boobs. I was making my case as to why they're superior—"

"Jackie, it doesn't matter—"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course it matters. I'm Jackie Burkhart. Everything about me is perfect. Including my boobs! For anyone to say otherwise—"

"Jackie, Mrs. Forman's kitchen is currently burning down because we set it on fire. _It doesn't matter."_

Pause.

"You're right. It doesn't matter…but my boobs are better, right?"

Pause.

"Yes, Jackie. You're boobs are better. In fact, you're boobs are far superior to any other boobs I've seen—"

"Steven, I don't appreciate you joking about this—"

"I _wasn't_ joking."

"Good. But like I said, there's no reason to manhandle me—"

Despite Jackie's rather shrilly protests, Hyde persisted in dragging her into a neighbor's yard. Dropping her hand, Hyde began looking around the yard.

His behavior confused Jackie. "Wait. Steven, I thought we were going out front with the rest of the gang. What are we doing here? _And what the hell are you doing?_"

Hyde was amused to note her annoyance, but had no time to provoke her further. "Searching" was his answer.

"Searching? _For what?_" Jackie asked with impatience, hands on her hips.

"A football."

"A football? Steven, why the hell are you searching for a football? The Forman's kitchen is burning down! We're supposed to be convincing everyone we're not to blame, remember?"

"Jackie," Hyde bit out, losing patience. He whipped off his sunglasses to stare down the petite woman. "I don't have time to listen to your yapping. Nor do I have time to explain exactly what the hell I'm doing. Just trust me when I say that football is our alibi. So if you want to escape the blame for burning down Mrs. Forman's kitchen, I suggest you shut up and start searching."

With that, he turned away and continued his search.

After about two seconds…

"Is this the football you bit my head off about? Ugh! It's all messy and dirty—"

There Jackie stood, muddy football in hand, looking both equally smug and appalled with her find.

Shaking his head, Hyde grabbed her hand once again and led her to the Forman's front lawn—where a pathetic Eric Forman lay whining helplessly on the ground.

"I'm alright…I can get up…just give me a day or two to catch my breath…" he wheezed.

Red looked down at his pathetic son and shook his head. "What kind of man let's his wife knock the wind out of him?" Red asked in disgust.

"Hey! Don't insult my husband!" Donna argued. She then smiled, holding up a football with pride. "It's not his fault I'm freakin' awesome at football!"

"Yes," Fez interjected, coming up behind Donna, "and to be fair, Donna is overly large and strong for a female."

"Hey!" Donna protested.

"Yeah…" Eric moaned from the ground. "That's my wife you're talking about…my overly large and strong wife…"

"_Eric!_"

Eric just groaned in response to his wife's objection.

"God, Eric. You're so embarrassing," Jackie rudely commented, loudly announcing her presence.

Everyone looked up at Jackie—immediately noticing Hyde's presence at her side.

"Oh, look who's here," Donna said in a meaningful tone that neither Jackie or Hyde appreciated. "Just where have you two been off to?"

"Yeah, and how come you two are holding hands?" Fez shrewdly inquired, motioning between them.

Jackie and Hyde looked down at their clasped hands before instantly jumping away from each other.

Hyde did the talking. "Jackie and I were busy looking for Kelso's lost football." He held up the dirty football as evidence, causing Jackie to wrinkle her nose. He then made sure to add, "Oh, and I left Kelso in charge of the kitchen."

Subsequently, as if on cue…

"OH MY GOD! MY KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!" came a loud shriek that sounded very much like Mrs. Forman.

Everyone in the Forman's front yard froze for a second. A second later, they all high-tailed it through the living room and into the kitchen…

"Good God, the kitchen _is_ on fire!" Eric gasped as soon as they made their way onto the scene.

Said scene included…

A horrified Mrs. Forman, who was clutching a large alcohol-filled bag as if it was her lifeline. "My baby carrots! They're ruined!" she cried.

An overly innocent-looking Laurie. "_Daddy,_" she pouted with extreme exaggeration, "this is awful. Look how Eric and his friends have spoiled Thanksgiving. I'm definitely your favorite child, aren't I?"

And an inappropriately excited Kelso, looking as if Christmas had come early. "Dude, the kitchen is totally on fire! This is awesome!"

Silence.

"Kelso…h-how could you set the kitchen on fire?" Eric asked.

"Probably very easily, he has always been hazardous around electronics," Fez explained rationally, looking at the stove where most of the fire was contained.

Kelso's jaw dropped. "Wait…you guys don't think I set the kitchen on fire?"

The expressions on everyone's faces clearly said they did.

"No way! I didn't do it!"

"You do have a history of setting things on fire," Donna pointed out.

"I do not!"

"Kelso, you set the sprinklers off at my wedding reception!"

"And you did say you set the drapes at Brooke's parents' house on fire," Eric added.

"Don't forget setting my house on fire!" Jackie piped up.

"Okay, okay…maybe I _do_ have a history of setting things on fire," Kelso conceded. "But I didn't set the kitchen on fire! I wasn't even in the kitchen! I mean, sure I told Hyde I'd watch the kitchen…but I didn't start the fire! I swear! And I didn't set off the sprinklers at the wedding reception neither! And Jackie's house was a long time ago…"

"You still did it, Michael!" Jackie argued. "Do you have any idea how long my house smelled like burnt liqueur? I had to run around spraying Chanel N°5 everywhere for two weeks!"

After giving Jackie a strange look, Eric followed up by saying, "Look, none of that is really the concern here. The concern is we are all currently standing in a kitchen that is burning down!" He emphasized his point by gesturing to his surroundings in that twitchy manner of his.

"_Concern?_" Mrs. Forman laughed manically. "Why should anyone be concerned? My kitchen is going up in flames! My perfect Thanksgiving is ruined! I spent all day slaving away trying to make dinner for my ungrateful family and now I have no dinner to serve and my baby carrots are burnt to a crisp!" She continued to laugh. "But why should anyone be concerned? I'M NOT CONCERNED! Ha. Ha. Ha. I have hard alcohol…" She then reached into her alcohol bag.

Silence.

Kelso spoke up, "Look, I didn't do it. Tell them, Hyde. I was with you and Jackie."

Hyde shrugged. "Hey, man. Jackie and I were out looking for your lost football. I don't know what you've been doing since we left you with Laurie."

Fez narrowed his eyes. "You were with Laurie? What were you doing with Laurie?"

"I wasn't with that loser," Laurie bitched before Kelso could respond. "He was slobbering over my boobs and trying to paw at me, and I told him to get lost. The next thing I know, Kelso set the kitchen on fire and Mom's yelling."

"Guys, I'm telling you. I didn't set the kitchen on fire!" Kelso cried.

"Kelso, if you didn't set the fire, who did?" Donna questioned.

"Maybe…maybe it was the flying monkeys!"

"Enough!" yelled Red, who had gone off to get a fire extinguisher, "Why are you all standing around like your waiting for a bus? Why don't one of you dumbasses do something useful like call the fire department?"

Kelso looked thrilled at the prospect. "The fire department? Sweet! I wonder if they'll let me blow the horn again! Maybe this time they'll let me wear one of their hats!"

Silence.

"Dumbass! You set my kitchen on fire! The only thing you'll be wearing is my foot in your ass!" Red barked.

Red immediately followed up the threat by chasing Kelso out of the kitchen.

* * *

_1 hour and 5 minutes later…_

"God, Steven. Our friends are so dumb. They believe everything we say!" Jackie squealed.

"I know, it's almost like taking candy from a baby," Hyde sighed. Then he grinned, "But a hell of a lot more fun."

Jackie paused and looked thoughtful. "Seriously, though, we need to stop setting things on fire."

Hyde grimaced. "I know. We're becoming almost as bad as Kelso."

Suddenly, an awkward silence fell.

Until…

"Why are you such a jackass to me sometimes?" Jackie blurted out.

"It's a gift," Hyde immediately quipped. Sobering slightly, "Look, Jackie. That's just the way things are with us. Are you still wallowing about earlier?"

She looked away from him.

"Like I said at the wedding, you _do_ go around wreaking havoc. But I have to admit, you do it in a very productive way."

She smiled slightly. "You wreak a lot of havoc yourself, Steven."

Hyde grinned. "I know. Isn't it fun?" He held up his beer in salute. "To burning our friends and them being too stupid to realize it. Cheers."

"Cheers," she responded, clinking her Kamikaze glass with his beer before taking a celebratory sip.

"I'm sorry for being a jackass," Hyde said so quietly he wasn't sure she heard him.

She did. Because the reply was…

"Yeah, I'm sorry you're a jackass too."

Hyde smirked, his gaze shifting to the corner-bound Kelso. "You know, it was so easy, I _almost_ feel bad. I think you could get Kelso to do just about anything as long there's a pair of boobs handy."

"Yeah. Follow the boobs…"

"Something wrong?"

"What?" Jackie asked distractedly. "No…nothing's wrong," she insisted, the tone of her voice indicating otherwise. "You know, I think I'm going to make another Kamikaze…"

"Jackie…" Hyde trailed off as he watched her walk away. He was about to go after her when Mrs. Forman made her entrance into the living room.

"The Chinese food is on its way," Mrs. Forman announced with forced cheerfulness. "Of course, they didn't have any baby carrots on the menu but I guess we'll just have to make due." She laughed manically for an awkward stretch of time before stopping. "Excuse me, I'm just going to help myself to more alcohol…"

"Man, I still can't believe Kelso set the kitchen on fire," Eric remarked all of a sudden.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Kelso yelped from his stool in the corner of the room.

Everyone acted as if they hadn't heard him…

"I don't know why you're surprised," Donna told Eric, "He set fire to a closet at our wedding reception."

"I DIDN'T DO THAT EITHER!" Kelso cried.

Again, everyone acted as if they hadn't heard him…

"Don't forget about the whole sparkler-drapes debacle. Brooke's parents gotta be thrilled they banned him from the house," Hyde commented.

"I SAID I DIDN'T…" Pause. "Okay, I did do _that._"

This time, everyone rolled their eyes.

"Look on the bright side," Donna offered. "At least the sprinklers didn't go off around the _whole _house."

"Ahhh, yes," Eric responded with intended over-exaggeration, "I believe you're referring to our soggy wedding reception. I remember it well."

"Yes, so do I," Fez stated, a dreamy expression taking over his features. "All those women drenched in water running around. I could see through many of their tops. It was an extraordinary evening." He looked thoughtful. "Except for Candy and Mandy. That was the day the Candy and Mandy show ended for Fez. Who knew they wouldn't like getting wet?"

"What do you care about those whores for?" Laurie asked harshly.

"You're one to talk about whores," Jackie accused.

"She _is_ an expert on the subject," Eric easily asserted.

"You know what I remember from the wedding reception?" Donna mused abruptly, shooting Hyde a teasing look he didn't care for. "I remember Hyde getting his groove on with Jackie on the dance floor to—"

"I don't think we should discuss this any further," Hyde snapped.

"Oh, I think we should," Donna argued. "I think we—"

"You know what I think?" Red cut off in a dangerous tone.

Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"I think everybody should SHUT UP so I can watch football!" he finished, turning to the television screen.

Silence.

Then…

"You know, the pants those football players wear look awfully tight. You can especially tell when they bend over in the huddle," Fez commented lightly.

Red didn't bother to hide his disgust. "Good God, can't we ship you back to your own country?"

"Nope. I have a green card, remember?" Fez retorted with a self-satisfied smile.

"Well, green card or not, shut the hell up!" Red insisted. Looking around, he warned, "The next person who speaks is getting a foot up the ass!"

Silence.

Then…

"Somehow, I think everything would have worked out if we had watched _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_," Kelso remarked.

Red threw down the remote and stood up. Pointing at Kelso, "That's it! You're getting a foot up the ass!"

* * *

_40 minutes later…_

"I can't believe I'm being forced to eat this Commie food on Thanksgiving," Red bitterly complained. "You know, I risked my life for this country so I wouldn't have to endure humiliating situations like this."

Everyone sat on the living room floor eating Chinese food (except for Kelso, who had to remain standing—a lingering result of Red's foot in the ass).

"I don't know, Dad. I find the dumplings quite scrumptious," Eric said, carelessly popping one into his mouth. "Plus, I think it's fun eating with chopsticks. It makes me feel cultured and sophisticated," he mumbled with his mouth full, holding up the chopsticks.

"Yeah, I always thought chopsticks were fun," Kelso said with a goofy grin. "I used to stick them up my nose!"

"Uh…Kelso, you didn't play around with the chopsticks when the food arrived, did you?" Donna tentatively asked.

Kelso just shrugged and laughed.

Everyone immediately put down their chopsticks.

"On second thought, nothing beats a fork," Eric amended. "Still, the food is delicious. Much better than some boring old turkey."

Mrs. Forman slammed down her eggroll. "Well, I'm so glad everything worked out for you. I suppose I should be grateful that the 'boring old turkey' I slaved on all day went up in flames so you could enjoy some cheap takeout!"

Twitching under the glare of his parents, "At least we're all together," Eric tried weakly. "That's what matters, right? It's _Thanks_giving after all..."

Everyone looked at him like he'd grown an extra head.

Except Donna…

"Eric's right," she supported. "Despite today's…uh…unfortunate events, there's a lot to be thankful for."

"Yeah, like the fact that the house didn't burn completely down," Hyde sarcastically quipped.

Glaring, "There is _that_," Donna conceded testily, "but I was thinking about how fortunate we are to be surrounded by family and friends." She cleared her throat. "Perhaps we should go around the table and say what we're thankful for?"

Everyone groaned.

"Eric, why don't you go first and tell us what you're thankful for?" Donna prodded.

Her husband did not look thankful for the suggestion. "Uh…uh…I know! I'm thankful for one of the greatest moments of my life…the conclusion of _Star Wars_. You know, except for the brother-sister thing."

Donna looked annoyed. "_That_ was the greatest moment of your life?"

"Uh oh, Forman. Watch out," Hyde mocked.

Eric cringed under his wife's glare. "O-Of course not," he stuttered. "I said _one_ of the greatest moments. The greatest moment in my life was when I got married. I mean, that even topped the lightsaber battle in _Empire Strikes Back_ between Luke and Darth Vader—"

"Forman, I'd quit while you're ahead…"

Hyde's advice was not heeded. "—Really, that had to have been one of the greatest moments in cinematic history. The effects were amazing. I'd love to ask George Lucas how he did it…" Eric's voice trailed off as he realized how annoyed Donna looked. "But…uh…none of that matters. I'm thankful to have such a beautiful wife…who happens to be very forgiving…_isn't she?_"

The look Donna gave him made her former annoyance seem affectionate.

Wanting to take the heat off himself, "So, hey, Jackie…what are you thankful for?"

Jackie's gaze curiously drifted to Hyde. "I…uh…"

"Let me guess, you're thankful you're rich so you can indulge yourself buying shoes and other useless materialistic crap," Hyde sarcastically offered, unable to stop himself.

Jackie's expression turned cold. "Of course not," she huffed, "I'm thankful to have a wonderful boyfriend who knows how wonderful I am and treats me—"

"Let me guess…_wonderfully?_"

"Yes, he does," Jackie continued heatedly, "He's so wonderful that he would never refer to shoes as 'materialistic crap' because he knows how important shoes are to completing an outfit."

"Oh, he does? Is Mr. Wonderful gay then?"

"Hyde, my friend. Don't be ridiculous," Fez admonished, shaking his head. "Having an appreciation for the beauty of footwear is not gay. I appreciate a pair of Valentino high-heels as much as the next guy, but does that make me gay?"

Awkward Silence.

Donna broke the awkwardness. "Right. So, Fez…what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?"

"Well, I would have been thankful for PEZ," Fez answered. Glaring at Jackie, he bitterly continued, "but _someone_ ruined it for me. I will never be able to look at Mickey Mouse the same way again…"

"Right…uh, Kelso?" Donna attempted a transition. "What are you thankful for?"

"Me? That's easy," Kelso excitedly responded. "I'm thankful I got to wear that fireman's hat when they came to put out the kitchen. I mean, how awesome was that?"

Everyone shook their heads at Kelso's tactlessness.

"You know what I'm thankful for?" Laurie spoke in a falsely innocent voice.

"Edible underwear…?" Jackie provided.

Laurie shot her a look before turning to her father with a grossly sweet smile. "_No._ I'm thankful I was able to come home and spend Thanksgiving with my family. Daddy, I've missed you. I'm so thankful to have parents that always provide for me—"

"How much money do you want?" Mrs. Forman bit out.

Laurie's smile faltered. "None…_that we can't talk about later_. Daddy, I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me."

Red fell for the act. "Thanks, pumpkin. You can have a beer if you want to."

Eric gasped. "Hey! How come she gets a beer and I don't?"

"Because _her_ friend didn't burn my kitchen down, and she didn't embarrass herself at football."

"Hey! I can play football! I was just…rusty."

"Forman, you got your ass kicked by Donna," Hyde stated bluntly.

"I did not get my ass kicked." At Hyde's skeptical look, "Well, she never directly kicked my ass. She _may_ have knocked me over…"

"Resulting in you landing on your ass."

"Eric, it doesn't matter," Donna firmly interjected. Then, not giving him a chance to retort, "Mrs. Forman, would you care to share what you're thankful for?"

Mrs. Forman laughed bitterly. "Well, normally, I would be thankful for the food provided…but as my turkey and baby carrots have burnt to a crisp…" She paused. Another bitter laugh. "But that doesn't matter, because I have Jack. _Jack Daniels,_ that is." She picked up the bottle that was next her on the floor. "I'm _very_ thankful for Jack…"

Shifting, Donna directed her attention towards Red. "Mr. Forman…?"

"You're asking me what _I'm _thankful for?" he asked, sounding both incredulous and annoyed. He put down his fork and looked at her. "Alright, I'll tell you what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful my son and his friends have continuously interrupted my football game with their mindless yapping. I'm thankful my kitchen caught fire, thereby ruining my Thanksgiving dinner. And let's not forget that my son plays football worse than a girl. I think that just about covers what I'm thankful for." Red paused. "Oh, wait," he said, dripping sarcasm, "That's not what I'm thankful for. That's what has driven me to consider murder-suicide after the last several hours."

"That's it!" Eric cried. "I can play football! I was rusty! And I'm going to go prove it! Who's going to play with me?"

Everyone looked around at each other and shrugged.

"Why not? It's always a good time watching Forman get his ass kicked," Hyde said.

"I told you, I didn't get my ass kicked…"

Amid Eric's denials, everyone got up to go play football in the front yard…

Donna turned to Jackie. "Hey, Jackie, are you going to play with us this time?"

Eric acted incredulous. "_Jackie?_ What's she going to do? Give the football beauty advice?"

Jackie's eyes narrowed towards Eric. "Donna, I'd _love_ to play," she announced in a dangerously cheerful voice.

* * *

_20 minutes later…_

_Forman's Front Yard_

"Alright, dumbass. It's your turn to kick the football," Red addressed his son. "Jackie, why don't you hold the ball?"

A wicked gleam entered Jackie's eyes. "Sure, Mr. Forman. I'd _love_ to hold the ball for Eric," she said, crouching down to take hold of the ball.

Eric held up his hands and backed away. "Oh, hell no! Don't you realize she's evil? She's going to pull the ball away at the last second—_just like Lucy!_"

"Don't be ridiculous," Jackie scoffed.

"I'm not being ridiculous!" Eric explained, waving his hands about. "I'm being cautious! I know what happens in _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!_"

"Come on, Eric," Jackie taunted. "What's the matter? Afraid?"

"Of course not!"

"Then what's the hold up, Charlie Brown?" Hyde provoked.

"It's just… you're plotting something! I know it!" Eric pointed accusingly towards Jackie.

At this point, everyone had enough of Eric's theatrics…

"Eric, you're holding up the game," Donna noted.

Fez nodded in agreement. "Yes, some of us have other things to do. Like buy more candy since I can no longer eat PEZ…"

"Man, this is lame," Kelso complained, "I wish I was watching _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving._"

"Forman, quit being a baby and kick the damn ball," Hyde advised.

"Eric just doesn't know what to do with a ball because he doesn't have any," Laurie taunted.

"Son, _this _is why you're never going to get a beer," Red informed him.

Jackie looked up at Eric. "C'mon, Eric. I'm not going to do anything. I _promise._"

Caving under pressure, Eric nodded and gulped. "Alright, here I go…" Eric wound his leg back and went to kick the ball…

Jackie made eye contact with Hyde…

Hyde smirked back, knowing what was coming…

"Whoa! That was better than _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!_" hollered a thrilled Kelso the second after Eric landed flat on his back, having swiped the air when Jackie pulled the ball away at the last second.

***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

"Hey, Hyde. Where've you been, man?" Hyde heard Eric ask, recognizing his twitchy friend's hand waving in front of his face.

Hyde shook out of his trance. _Crap._ He'd spaced out. "Just thinking about last Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown."

Eric immediately frowned. "That's not funny, Hyde."

"I beg to differ," Fez argued. "You flying in the air and landing on your ass was extremely entertaining."

"Yeah, that was a good burn!" Kelso emphasized. "Jackie pulled the ball away just like Lucy in _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving._"

Hyde just had to ask, "Seriously, man. How did you _not _see that coming?"

Eric made a face. "I don't understand why _that's_ what everyone remembers. I seem to remember Kelso burning down the kitchen…"

"What's it going to take for people to believe I DIDN'T do it?"

Ignoring Kelso, Hyde responded, "Yeah, but Kelso wasn't twitching around on the ground moaning _'Help! I broke my ass!'_ in a high-pitched, girly voice."

"What can I say? Jackie's an evil bitch." Eric shook his head. "I don't know what you guys saw in her. Clearly, I was the only one sane enough not to date her."

"Oh, she's an evil bitch," Fez confirmed matter-of-factly. "But that does not change the fact that she's hot."

Kelso nodded enthusiastically. "_Seriously_ hot, dude. I'm still hoping I can get her away from that boyfriend of hers so I can talk her into doing it. I'd only need, like, a few minutes."

"Hyde…?" Eric implored.

Hyde shrugged. "She's hot, man. What can I say?" What _could_ he say?

Eric sighed. "Well, I don't imagine it matters much. According to Donna, things with that wonderful boyfriend of hers have gotten pretty serious. He asked her to move in with him."

Hyde gave Eric a sharp look at the news.

"Jackie is lucky to have a rich, good-looking boyfriend—although we do not yet know if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson. If I had a boyfriend like that, imagine all the candy I could buy," Fez remarked. Ignoring any strange looks, the foreign man sighed wistfully. "It is too bad he is not the love of her life."

Hyde focused sternly on Fez. "What are you talking about?"

"What I said," Fez answered haughtily. "He is not the love of Jackie's life. Neither am I, for that matter. Such a pity. That is why she broke up with me."

Hyde couldn't help but think Fez was full of crap.

"Fez. I'm telling you, man. She broke up with you because you walk better in high-heels than she does."

Eric whipped his head around. "Wait. _Fez can walk in high-heels?_"

Hyde grinned as Fez frowned. "Yeah. Red sparkly ones by the sound of it."

"Like in _The Wizard of Oz?_" Kelso yelped in delight. "I love that movie! Except for the flying monkeys…"

Eric was still hung up on the heels. "_Fez can walk in high-heels?_" he echoed again.

"That's not the reason," Fez snapped, glaring mutinously at Hyde. "She broke up with me because I'm not the love of her life."

"Wanna bet?"

"Bet…?"

"Yeah, bet on what Jackie's real reason was for breaking up with you," Hyde clarified.

"What are the terms?"

With a smirk, he answered, "Loser walks naked through the Forman's living room…_wearing high-heels._"

"Why should I agree?"

"Why not…?"

Fez narrowed his eyes. "If you lose, you'll walk naked through the Forman's living room wearing high-heels?"

"If I lose." Hyde paused. "What's the matter? You chicken?"

Fez sat straight up. "You're on."

"Oh, man. This is gonna be good!" Kelso exclaimed.

Hyde grinned. He was not going to lose. All that love of Jackie's life stuff was nonsense…right?

* * *

_3 hours later…_

_Grooves Record Store_

Hyde was perfectly content to mind his own business as he sorted through his new shipment of records.

His contentment was shattered a moment later as Donna entered the store with a look that said she would not be minding _her_ own business.

"Hey, Hyde," the troublesome redhead greeted.

Hyde managed a grunt in response.

"Talkative, huh?" Donna teased. "That's okay. I just got off the phone. Got some news I thought you'd be interested to hear."

Hyde gave her a skeptical glance as he continued to sort his records. "Unless you're here to inform me that a car that runs on water has been discovered, I'm not interested."

"It's about Jackie."

Hyde paused for a moment before continuing on his sorting mission. "Well, then I'm definitely not interested."

"Really? How come I don't believe you?" Her lips curled. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I came into the shop the other day you were listening to ABBA's _Dancing Queen?_"

"Yeah, well, I have a new appreciation for ABBA since eighties music has taken sucking to a whole new level…"

"And I'm sure that appreciation had nothing to do with your dancing with Jackie to that song at my wedding?"

Hyde slammed down one of the records he was sorting. "Look, Donna. I don't know what you've got going on in that overly imaginative head of yours, but get this straight. I don't care about Jackie. Any kind of relationship we had was over a long time ago. I _don't care_ what she had to say on the phone."

"Good. Then you won't be bothered when I tell you it wasn't Jackie I was talking to on the phone. It was Rick."

"Rick…?"

"You know…Jackie's wonderfully wonderful boyfriend."

Hyde tried to keep his face blank. "Just what was Mr. Wonderful calling _you_ for?"

"To tell me he plans to propose to Jackie the day after Christmas."

Hyde froze.

The moment Donna insinuated Jackie might get engaged, something funky began twisting in Hyde's insides. And whatever that something funky was, he didn't like it. Not one bit. Maybe because if he decided to examine that "something funky" he might find it had something to do with Jackie…

_Nah._

It was most likely indigestion, Hyde decided. He had some tuna earlier that could definitely qualify as "something funky." So the current gnawing on his insides that left him wanting to hurl had nothing to do with Jackie.

Nothing at all.

Hyde blinked suddenly, realizing that his "funky" contemplations had rendered him silent, leaving Donna to shrewdly scrutinize his every expression.

It was a good thing he never showed any expression then. "Whatever," he said in reference to Donna's news.

"Whatever?" Donna questioned, raising a skeptic eyebrow. "You mean, you _don't care_ if Jackie gets married?"

"It's cool."

"Really? Well, if it's so cool how come you just snapped that Jimi Hendrix record in half?"

Hyde looked down at the record in his hands and was startled to realize that he _had_ snapped the Jimi Hendrix record in half.

_Damn. _That was a good record too.

Donna folded her arms, taking on a smug expression Hyde didn't like one bit.

"I-I did that on purpose," Hyde insisted, trying not to wince at the fact that he sounded a lot like Kelso during the debacle that was his flying monkey story. "Jimi Hendrix is overrated anyway," he lied.

And she _knew_ he lied too.

"Really, Donna. I'm cool with it," he maintained.

She smiled. "Great! Since you're _cool_ with it, you won't mind coming to pick up Jackie and her future fiancé at the airport with the rest of the gang."

"Actually, I've got some other things I'd rather do."

"Like break some more Jimi Hendrix records?"

Hyde glared at her. "Actually, I was planning to smash all the copies of Gary Wright's _Dreamweaver_ later."

Donna's smug expression didn't waver. "Hyde, I see no reason why you shouldn't want to go to the airport with us. Unless you're not really cool with Jackie marrying Mr. Wonderful…?"

_Crap._ He'd just been duped by an overly tall, overly pushy redhead.

"Of course I'm cool with it. I'm too cool for the airport is the problem." He sighed in defeat. "But since you losers will likely turn into complete pansies without me, I'll go." He paused. "But we better not be holding up any corny signs that say 'Welcome Home Jackie' or anything like that."

The red-headed vixen had the nerve to grin triumphantly. "Awesome! Be at the Forman's by eight in the morning. Kelso is gonna pick us up in his new van." Then, without further ado, Donna turned and exited the shop.

Man, Donna seemed more agreeable when she was a blonde. Perhaps he should try and get Forman to persuade his manipulative wife to dye it again?

Hyde sighed. What was he going to do now?

He looked towards his record player, which currently held ABBA's _Dancing Queen_…

It really _wasn't _as bad as the so-called "music" of the eighties.

* * *

_Saturday, December 22nd, 1984_

_Kenosha, Wisconsin_

_Kenosha Regional Airport_

The van ride to the airport had not been worth the aggravation.

Kelso had nearly killed them all when he abruptly made an illegal U-Turn to chase down some hot chick walking down a sidewalk to graciously ask her if she wanted to "go somewhere and do it because, seriously, you have an awesome rack." It came to no one's surprise (except Kelso's) that she'd said no.

As if it wasn't bad enough that Kelso's overactive libido brought them near death, Fez insisted on making the trip even more miserable by stopping at almost every convenience store along the way so he could buy more candy. Soon enough, he had collected a small mountain of candy.

Much to Fez's dismay, Donna ate more of Fez's candy than he did—thus leading to an all-out brawl between the little foreign man and the large redhead.

Somehow not surprisingly, Eric got caught in the crossfire of the candy battle when a large candy bag flew into his nose ("Oh! My nose!" he cried, much like Marcia Brady), which promptly started bleeding. Hyde then had the displeasure of listening to Eric whine the rest of the way to the airport.

No, the van ride had not been worth the aggravation.

Following said thoroughly aggravating van ride, the gang arrived at the airport and found themselves at the gate waiting for Jackie to grace them with her high and mighty presence...

"Dude, I hope Jackie likes my sign!" Kelso bellowed, holding up a large cardboard sign that read "WELLCOME HOME JACKIE" written in what could have been a second graders handwriting.

Donna frowned. "Uh, Kelso…'Welcome' is only supposed to have one 'L' in it," she tentatively pointed out.

Kelso looked at his sign. "No! Really? But I've been spelling it that way for ages!" He then looked at Donna and laughed. "Oh, I get! You're yanking my chain!" He shook his head. "Only one 'L.' You're such a jokester, Donna!"

Donna rolled her eyes.

"What's that green blob on the sign supposed to be?" Eric asked Kelso. "It looks like the pot leaf on the water tower that looks like it's giving the finger."

"It _is_ supposed to be a pot leaf on the water tower," Kelso answered. "I wanted Jackie to feel at home."

"In other words, you wanted to give Jackie the finger right after she walks off the plane…?"

"Kind of appropriate, given _three _of her ex-boyfriends are greeting her," Hyde mused.

"Forget about the sign," Fez said. "She is going to love this box of candy I bought her." He popped a piece of candy in his mouth and looked down at the box. "But…uh…hopefully she does not mind if some is missing…"

"I can't wait to see this wonderful boyfriend of hers," Donna remarked.

"I highly doubt Mr. Wonderful is going to be all that wonderful," Hyde scoffed. "I mean, if he's so wonderful, what's he doing with Jackie?"

Donna gave him a knowing smile. "I don't know, Hyde. Why don't you think about that?"

Hyde frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

But Donna was no longer listening to him. She was back to accosting Fez over his candy.

"C'mon, Fez! What do you need so much candy for anyway?"

"Get away from my candy, you redheaded beast!" came the reply.

Eric backed away from the fray. "Just keep your candy away from my nose! Oh, crap…it started bleeding again!"

"Hey! Don't bleed on my sign! I worked really hard on that!" Kelso hollered.

Hyde sighed. He really shouldn't have come. He was way too cool for these people.

And what about Jackie? What was the big fuss about? And what was up with Donna and those smug smiles of hers? She had to be suffering brain damage if she thought he cared about Jackie coming back…

Because he didn't.

He. did. not. care.

"FLIGHT 278 FROM JFK AIRPORT IS NOW DEBOARDING…"

_Crap._

Jackie was back.

Any second now, she would walk off the plane…

* * *

Coming Up in Chapter 4: After a not-so-welcome homecoming (involving blood, candy, and a broken shoe), Jackie and Hyde find themselves engaged in a battle of awkward silence. The battles proves fruitless, however, when fate (a.k.a. the weather) intervenes, leading Jackie and Hyde to an emotional confrontation. Plus, find out what happened during Jackie and Hyde's disco at Eric and Donna's wedding!

Story Facts: Mace & other aerosol weapons contain a small amount of active agent and can be flammable when mixed with other products. Whether it could actually set Mrs. Forman's kitchen on fire, I don't know (but for the sake of the story, let's pretend). Also, the Lions beat the Steelers 45-3 on Thanksgiving 1983 (Ouch!).

A/N: Finally! You have no idea how relieved I am to get this chapter up. There was a period of time where I thought I was never going to be able to finish this story because I was never going to finish this chapter. But it's here & I do hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for daring to read my super long chapter & special thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far—I love hearing what you think! The next chapter has a lot of crazy stuff in it, but there's also some important J/H breakthroughs—so stay tuned!

Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	4. Snowstorms in Hell

Previously in Chapter 3: Hyde flashbacked to Thanksgiving 1983 when he and Jackie squabbled and wreaked havoc (in the form of Mrs. Forman's kitchen). Back in the present, Hyde was informed by Donna that Jackie's "wonderful" boyfriend plans to propose during Jackie's visit to Point Place. Donna also convinces Hyde to go with the rest of the gang to the airport to greet Jackie, where they await her arrival…

Disclaimer: My rights to _That '70s Show_ are non-existent. I own nothing.

**Chapter 4- Snowstorms in Hell**

* * *

_Monday, December 24th, 1984_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Basement_

It was so quiet, you could hear one of Fez's candy wrappers drop.

"C'mon, guys, don't you think you two are being a bit ridiculous?" Eric questioned. "How long do you plan on keeping up the awkward silent routine?"

The pissed-off look both Jackie and Hyde shot him told him that they did _not_ think they were being ridiculous and they had _no_ immediate plans to end their awkward silent routine.

"Eric's right," Donna added. "You guys haven't spoken in two days. Don't you think you're taking things a bit far?"

Kelso nodded in agreement as he bit off the top of his cherry Popsicle. "Yeah, you two are totally bringing down the group." He pointed his partially eaten Popsicle at them. "What you guys need is a stress release." Kelso's eyes racked Jackie up and down. "You know, Jackie, I could help you with that. Why don't we go out back to my van and I'll provide you with my services?" he suggestively offered.

Jackie made a face. "No thanks, Michael," she rejected before smirking, "but feel free to service Steven."

Kelso immediately cried in protest, his voice level elevating to girlish proportions, "No way! I am strictly serviceable to women only! There's no service if there's no boobs." He took another bite of his Popsicle. "If Hyde needs a stress release, Fez can help him…"

Fez bristled, glaring at Kelso. "I most certainly cannot, _you sonofabitch_. I am far too busy with _my lady_ to provide our lonely, bitter friend, Hyde, with any services—"

"Hey! Who said I'm lonely?" Hyde barked. "I get more chicks than I know what to do with!" He paused. "Actually, I _do_ know what to do with them. I simply don't have time."

"Besides, my tall, gangly friend," Fez continued addressing Kelso, "I seem to recall that one time you didn't mind providing your services to a guy—"

"FEZ!" Kelso yelled. Then, in low tones, "_You promised not to talk about that,_" he hissed.

"Kelso, you serviced a guy?" Donna prodded, amused.

"NO! Well…NO!" came the immediate rebuttal.

Eric raised both eyebrows. "You don't sound very sure…"

"I never serviced a guy!" Kelso persisted. "I _may_ have made out with a guy…_accidentally_."

Jackie, lacking tact (as usual), asked, "How do you _accidentally_ make out with a guy?"

"HE HAD BOOBS!" Kelso hollered in his own defense. "I mean, seriously…_guys are not supposed to have boobs!_ How was I to know it was a dude?"

"He did look remarkably like a woman," Fez conceded.

"And anyway," Kelso carried on, "I was drunk at the time."

"But then what are we going to do about Hyde's little problem?" Fez questioned. "Who will provide service to help him relax? Eric and Donna are two sticks in the mud—"

"Fez! We're married!" Donna broke in.

"And we're totally not sticks in the mud!" Eric objected (only to have Jackie and Hyde scoff loudly at him).

"—and Jackie is more likely to hurt him than help him," Fez ran on as if Eric and Donna were not highly insulted, "and while I feel for my friend Hyde's little problem, I have _my lady_ to consider."

Hyde folded his arms in frustration. "Look, you foul-minded freaks. First of all, I don't have a problem. Second, if I did have a problem, _it wouldn't be little._" From beneath his sunglasses, he gave Kelso and Fez a stern look. "And I don't care what you guys do with each other or with anyone else, but if either of you touch me, I'll kick your ass," he threatened.

Kelso waved his Popsicle in the air dramatically. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying. Allow me to assure you that the whole making out with a guy thing was just a huge misunderstanding. Believe me, I would never dream of coming anywhere near your man-parts…_Oh, Crap!_"

The gang watched as Kelso lost his grip on his cherry Popsicle, causing it to sail through the air and land directly…

…on Hyde's crotch.

Needless to say, Hyde was _not_ happy about this development. He glared at Kelso through his sunglasses, who foolishly appeared as if he wanted to speak. "Kelso, I suggest you keep your mouth shut and stay away from me," he warned.

But, as always, Kelso proved slow on the uptake…

"Dude! I totally didn't mean it!" He scanned the room with a panicked expression. "Jackie made me do it!"

"Michael!" Jackie admonished.

"Look, Hyde! Let me fix it!" Kelso made to move towards Hyde's crotch, hand reaching out…

"Kelso, if that hand comes any closer, I'll break it off."

Kelso immediately snatched his hand back.

Without thinking, Jackie ran to get a paper towel from by the refrigerator. "Here, Steven. Use this," she said, handing him the paper towel.

Hyde accepted it. "Thanks, Jackie," he absentmindedly responded.

"No problem. You know, you should go change and throw those pants in the washer right away," she told him. "This one time, some clumsy bitch spilled red wine all over one of my super expensive designer gowns and I waited. It was ruined!" She shrugged. "But it's not like I could have worn it again anyway. In New York, it's so tacky to wear the same thing twice. I gave the gown away to some poor girl, and she was thrilled." She nodded. "Yeah, I'm really nice like that."

Hyde gave her a strange look. "Jackie, I'm a guy. I don't care about stains." He looked down at himself. "Though I'm not sure I want a red blotch on my crotch…"

"Yeah, you look like you just got your period," she stated bluntly.

"Hey! You two are talking!" Eric cried with delight. "This is great! The awkward silent routine is at an end!"

Having forgotten their awkward silent routine, Jackie and Hyde both immediately opened their mouths in shock…

Then they looked towards Eric…

Then they looked toward each other…

Then they _glared _at each other….

Then they snapped their mouths shut…

Then they turned away from each other.

Jackie was horrified at her own behavior. What was she thinking, offering help? That was so unlike her! Besides, Steven was a jackass and she was supposed to be mad at him. She should have let him deal with his Popsicle problem on his own!

Hyde was horrified by Jackie's behavior as well. What was she thinking, offering him assistance? That wasn't like Jackie at all. And what was he thinking? He wasn't supposed to be talking to the spoiled, self-centered brunette after that scene she made.

To the rest of the gang, it was clear Jackie and Hyde had reached a silent agreement whereby they remain silent by keeping up their awkward silent routine.

Eric shook his head in defeat. "You guys are going to persist with the awkward silence routine, aren't you?"

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_Saturday, December 22nd, 1984_

_Kenosha, Wisconsin_

_Kenosha Regional Airport_

"FLIGHT 278 FROM JFK AIRPORT IS NOW DEBOARDING…"

Jackie was back…

…with a broken shoe.

Not exactly the envy-inspiring entrance she had envisioned making, but she did her best to carry herself like the super hot, super successful woman she was…

Which was not an easy task when the 4-inch heel of one of her shoes was broken, causing her height to fluctuate with each step.

Step by uneven step, Jackie made her way to the gate, anticipating the overwhelming reaction everyone would have at her arrival. And why wouldn't they? She was rich, successful, and ridiculously attractive. They should be thrilled at her mere presence!

Arriving at the gate, she plastered a megawatt smile on her face in preparation of her glowing welcome…

…only to have the smile slide right off her face at her _actual_ welcome.

Fez and Donna were currently making quite a spectacle of themselves, brawling over what appeared to be a candy bag. Using her abnormal man-like abilities, the redheaded lumberjack soon maneuvered the smaller foreign man into a headlock…

"C'mon, candy boy! Just hand the bag over and no one has to get hurt!" Donna threatened.

Fez clutched the bag in his hands closer to his chest. "You know, in my country, you would be tortured and killed for this," Fez seethed despite Donna's hold.

And things went downhill from there. As Donna made a desperate lunge for Fez's candy bag, a loud booming voiced heckled…

"DUDE, THAT WAS SO HOT! I TOTALLY GOT A PEEK DOWN DONNA'S SHIRT!"

Jackie immediately recognized the voice of her ex-boyfriend, Michael Kelso. Had she actually dated him? _What was she thinking?_

"Man, I always wanted to be tackled by a hot chick!" Kelso exclaimed. He then bellowed, "HEY, BIG RED! IT'S MY TURN NEXT!"

"Guys, I think I may be _dying,_" the feeble voice of Eric whined. "Not that anyone cares…"

Eric, who had separated himself from the Donna-Fez skirmish, was currently bleeding profusely out of his nose (and the tissue he was using did very little to curtail said bleeding). Of course, everyone seemed far more interested in the current candy bag battle than Eric's announcement of his impending death.

God, Jackie had forgotten how lame her friends were.

And their worst offense—they hadn't even noticed her!

Seriously, how could their heads not automatically turn at her presence? Jackie scoffed and turned her head from her friends' disgusting ignorance.

It was only when she changed her view that she realized one person's head _had_ turned at her presence.

And that curly head belonged to…

Steven Hyde.

There he stood—sunglasses, rock T-shirt and all—staring directly at her from about twenty feet away. Jackie's breathe caught in her throat as she stared back.

It was as if time had stopped. For several seconds, they held each other's gaze. Despite his sunglasses, Jackie knew his eyes were piercing right into hers. In that gaze there was there was a sense of recognition, of remembrance, and of…of something she couldn't quite place…

Slowly, without breaking eye contact, Hyde began to make his way towards her. Jackie involuntarily shivered as he made his approach. Stopping only a few feet from her, he remained silent. He did not need words to speak, however, because his eyes spoke volumes. When he broke eye contact, his eyes began a slow, deliberate perusal of her body. Jackie fought not to react as he leisurely scanned her silhouette as if he was studying every part of her. She could almost feel the burning path of his gaze imprinting on her skin…

It was torturous.

It was wondrous.

It was _unnerving_.

After what seemed like an eternity, his gaze returned to her eyes, his expression unchanged.

Uncharacteristically, Jackie found herself unable to speak. She watched as Hyde opened his mouth and waited with bated breath to hear his words…

The air around them felt heavy, as if the slightest misstep could shatter their fragile, unspoken bond…

"What the hell happened to your shoe?" Hyde bluntly asked, his voice rough. "You were waddling like a lopsided duck."

The air around them fell like a ton of bricks. Hyde's words shattered their fragile, unspoken bond with the delicacy of an atomic bomb.

Jackie immediately scowled at her insensitive ex-boyfriend.

He was calm.

He was cool.

He was _an ass_.

_Crap._

Hyde _knew_ that look.

Jackie was pissed off and was preparing to spew her wrath with that screechy voice of hers. And she would most likely spew it in his direction.

He had seen her from afar and as much as he was loathe to admit it—she looked good. _Damn good_. Not that he would tell her that. So he didn't. Instead, he compared her to a lopsided duck.

Now she was looking at him as if she wanted to roast him like a duck.

"I look NOTHING like a duck, Steven!" Jackie screeched, commencing foretold wrath spewing.

Wincing at her shrill tones, "Hey, I didn't say you _looked_ like a duck. I said you _waddled_ like a duck," Hyde defended. Then, looking down, "Not a big surprise when you wear crappy shoes like that."

Jackie's jaw dropped in indignation. "_Excuse me?_ Crappy?" She waved a finger at him. "I'll have you know these shoes are _designer_. Designer shoes are _not_ crappy. Do you have any idea how much these shoes cost?"

"Clearly it was a good investment," Hyde remarked with flippant sarcasm, motioning towards her broken heel.

Jackie's venomous eyes racked him over. "Yeah, well, at least my wardrobe has changed over the past decade" came the scathing reply. "I mean, seriously Steven, the seventies have been over for a while now."

Hyde, to Jackie's chagrin, was not remotely bothered by that comment. Instead, he went on some conspiracy-charged rant she failed to understand.

"Thank you. I pride myself on not succumbing to the frivolous, over-excessive trends of the eighties that cater to mind-numbing followers such as yourself in what I suspect is a secret plot designed by the government to test mind-control techniques," Hyde heatedly ranted, "They use the media to send subliminal messages, making people think that crap like Duran Duran qualifies as music and making women think they look good in shoulder pads." To further his point, "Think about it. I mean, _why els_e would women wear something as unattractive as shoulder pads if they weren't being mind-controlled?"

Following Hyde's rant, Jackie was frozen with what can only be described as complete and total confusion. Brow furrowed, mouth perched slightly open, his latest conspiracy theory had proved too much for a mind-numbing trend-follower like her to compute.

In other words, it was apparent she had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Steven, what the hell are you talking about?" Jackie demanded. She shook her head. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. _I_ like Duran Duran," she arrogantly stated. "I agree with you about shoulder pads, though. They're way too manly! Seriously, what self-respecting woman would want to look like a football player?" A thought struck her. "Oh my god! I bet Donna loves shoulder pads!"

Hyde sighed. _She just didn't get it. _

He looked away from the frustrating brunette…

…only to notice a large candy bag catapulting in their direction.

"WHOA! INCOMING!" came Kelso's belated cry.

And at the same time…

"NOOO! MY CANDY!" came Fez's anguished cry.

But Hyde had already leapt into action, grabbing Jackie around the waist and pulling her out of the candy bag's treacherous path in the nick of time.

It was a close save.

Not a second after Hyde pulled Jackie to safety, the candy bag whizzed through the exact spot Jackie's head had been before proceeding to land unceremoniously on the floor, candy scattering in disarray.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS THINK YOU WERE DOING?" Hyde barked at his foolish friends. "You could have taken Jackie's head off!"

"Yeah," Jackie acknowledged, flipping her hair back. "Do you have ANY IDEA how long it took me to fix my hair? It could have been RUINED!"

Donna, Fez, Kelso, and a profusely bleeding Eric ceased their shenanigans to turn their attention to the pissed-off duo.

"JACKIE!" Kelso hollered in delight. "When did you get back?"

Jackie rolled her eyes and scoffed, "A while ago, but you morons have been too busy embarrassing yourselves to notice."

"Ah, Jackie," Fez spoke, "It is so good to have you back. Point Place has not been the same without your bitchy insults and superior attitude." His eyes flickered between Jackie and Hyde. "Judging from the way you two embrace like lovers, it seems you too have been busy. Don't tell me I missed the big make-out session while Donna was so rudely attacking me for my candy." He pouted, looking down. "Oh, my poor candy. Look at you, all over to floor as if no one wants to eat you…"

As Fez lamented over his fallen candy, Jackie and Hyde were frozen with shock.

Slowly, they turned to look at one another and realized (to their horror) that they were _still_ in each other's embrace.

For a moment, they just stared at one another.

Then…

"What the hell…?"

"Ugh! Get off me!"

Following their cries of disgust, they sprang apart with such force one would have thought they'd caught fire.

They both immediately turned away, unable to look one another in the eye.

_Damnit._ Hyde hated awkward situations. And things had somehow turned awkward. "I…uh…there's nothing going on!" he insisted to the rest of the gang.

Jackie instantly began nodding. "Yeah, as if anything could ever happen between us!" she chided as if the idea was absurd…

…before remembering that the absurd previously occurred. Shifting on the shoe that still had a heel, "Well, at least not _anymore,_" she amended.

Turning to Jackie, Hyde emphasized, "Absolutely! I only touched you because of the candy bag!"

Affronted at the notion of only being touched because of a candy bag, "_Please!_ As if I would have let you anywhere near me if my hair hadn't been in dire jeopardy! You're lucky the candy bag afforded you the opportunity to touch me!" Jackie cried.

Now Hyde was affronted. "_Lucky?_" he echoed in disbelief. "Lucky is finding an extra twenty bucks in an old pair of pants. Lucky is not nearly being pelted with a candy bag and having your ex-girlfriend thrust herself at you."

Jackie's eyes flashed. "Thrust myself at you? I seem to recall _you_ being the one grabbing _me_." Flipping her hair again, "Not that I blame you. It's not every day a person gets so close to perfection. If I were you, I would use a candy bag to get close to me too."

Hyde gaped at her. "You know, I think all that hairspray has made you delusional."

"I'm not delusional. I'm ridiculously attractive."

Jackie examined her nails as Hyde continued to gape at her.

_Did they even recall anyone else was there?_

Clearing her throat, Donna came forward. "Hey, Jackie," she greeted, hugging the petite woman. "I'm so glad you're back. I hadn't realized how aggravating hanging out with the guys can be until the past few days."

Jackie looked the large lumberjack-like woman over. "Yeah, I can tell. You dress worse than ever. But never fear, I'm here and I'm going to make you so much more attractive." Then, in a grave tone, "Donna, I have to ask you something. How do you feel about shoulder pads?"

Donna gave her a quizzical look. Shrugging, "I like them."

"Ugh! There's no hope for you!" Jackie cried, throwing up her hands.

Surprisingly, Donna smiled. "I really missed you, Jackie," she said sincerely.

"Yeah, even _I_ missed you. The basement's been far too quiet without you," Eric teased, stepping forward.

Jackie immediately stepped back. "Eww! Don't you dare touch me!" she ordered, eyeing the blood on his shirt that resulted from his never-ending nosebleed. "I am far too pretty for you to contaminate. Why don't you go bleed over there?" Jackie rudely suggested, pointing somewhere off in the distance.

Eric stared at her for a second before replying, "Did I say I missed you? I must have misspoke."

"So, Jackie," Kelso started, draping his arm around her. "You like my sign?" he asked, holding it out for her to see with his other arm.

Jackie looked critically at the sign that said, "WELLCOME HOME JACKIE" and featured a green blob that appeared to be giving her the finger.

Looking back at her goofy ex-boyfriend, "You know there's supposed to be only one 'L' in welcome, right?"

Inexplicably, Kelso started laughing. "Donna tried that joke too!" he chuckled. "Only one 'L' in welcome!" he repeated as if it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. "You have to get up pretty late in the day to pull one over on me…" He paused, frowning. "Wait…pretty late in the day…that's how it goes, right?"

Everyone just shook their heads at their dull-witted friend.

"Pay no attention to the tall, empty-headed man," Fez suggested, bumping Kelso out of the way (effectively ignoring Kelso's squawk of protest). "Forget that sad little sign that gives you the finger. I went out of my way to buy you a box of candy," he announced, handing said box over.

"Oh, Fez. You shouldn't have," she gushed. Then, opening the box, "_You didn't._ Fez, there are only three pieces of candy in this box!"

"Yes, well, I got a tad hungry," Fez admitted. "Speaking of which, I hope you don't mind…" Fez helped himself to another piece of candy from the box, leaving only two left.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

Seemingly remembering something, Fez began scanning the area, "So, where is that wonderful boyfriend of yours? I wanted to see if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson…"

Hyde's gaze snapped to Jackie. "Yeah, where the hell is Mr. Wonderful? Wasn't he supposed to be here?"

Looking distinctly uncomfortable, "Rick had a business emergency, but he'll be here on Christmas Eve," Jackie reluctantly disclosed.

"Aww. That means I have to wait to see if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson," Fez pouted. "The anticipation is killing me."

"You know, I'm starting to think Mr. Wonderful isn't real," Hyde cynically reflected. "I mean, how long have you two been dating? Two years and none of us has seen the guy?"

"Two and a half years," Jackie corrected harshly. "And you'll see him in two days. He's chartering a private jet so he can be with me. Because he's _wonderful _like that." She looked around. With her hands on her hips, "Don't you think it's time you guys stopped standing around and went to pick up my luggage?"

Hyde folded his arms. "What do we look like? Your servants?"

Jackie raised an eyebrow that said that was exactly what she thought they looked like.

_Bitch._

"C'mon, I'll point out my luggage," Jackie insisted as she began hobbling away.

"Jackie, what's up with your shoe?" Eric piped up. "You're walking like—"

Whirling around, "Don't even think about saying I walk like a duck!" Jackie warned.

Eric held his hands up in mock surrender. "I wasn't going to say that. But now that you mention it…"

Jackie treated him to a deadly glare. "My shoe broke when I was boarding the plan. God, this whole trip just has 'disaster' written all over it," she seethed.

"Poor Jackie." Fez patted her on the back sympathetically. In a somber tone, "Those shoes are designer. This is indeed a fashion travesty."

"Thank you!" Jackie cried. Then, glaring at Hyde, "I'm glad _somebody_ understands my plight."

"I'd say now would be a good time to get the hell out of here," Hyde snapped. "Let's go get the damn baggage."

"But how can we leave when my candy is all over the floor?" Fez lamented.

Donna shrugged. "What does it matter? There's plenty in the van for me to eat…"

Fez's looked ready to spit fire. "Oh, no you don't, Missy! You'll stay the hell away from my candy!"

"Who's gonna stop me?" Donna taunted, walking away.

"Come back here, you candy wench! You are NOT touching my candy!" Fez hollered after her, trailing from behind.

"Dude, I gotta see this! Donna is HOT when she pummels Fez," Kelso whooped, following after them.

Eric shook his head. "Why do I have the feeling I'll be the one who ends up getting pummeled?" He paused. "Oh, wait. Maybe because I already did," he sarcastically referred to his blood-gushing nose before resignedly following after his wife and friends.

As if to himself, "I knew I was too cool to go to the airport with those morons," Hyde commented.

"Tell me about it," Jackie remarked, surprising him. "I should have just hired a limo."

Hyde found himself watching Jackie with interest.

She was short.

She was a pain-in-the-ass.

She was _freakin' hot._

He continued to watch as she began to walk away with as much grace as she could muster with a broken shoe. She _did _have a nice back view, even if she hobbled like a…

"_Quack, quack_," he imitated, unable to help himself.

As expected, she immediately turned to glare at him. "Steven! I do not waddle like a duck!"

Shrugging, "Hey, if the designer shoe fits…"

She turned away from him with a huff.

"Do you have a lot of luggage?" Hyde asked as they made their way to the baggage claim so he could get the hell away from this damn airport.

Flipping her hair back, "Nah, I just brought a few things…"

* * *

_30 minutes later…_

_Somewhere Between Kenosha and Point Place_

_Inside Kelso's New Van_

"Jackie, I'd love for you to explain to me how _six_ suitcases constitute a few things," Hyde snidely requested.

"Yeah, and what the hell did you have in those suitcases?" Eric asked. "I think I may have thrown out my shoulder," he complained, rubbing his left shoulder as if to emphasis his point.

Donna rolled her eyes. "C'mon, you carried the lightest one. Mine was _twice_ as heavy as yours," she told her husband.

"Thanks, Donna," Eric dryly responded.

"I do not know why you guys are making such a fuss," Fez pragmatically commented. "I am sure Jackie has a good reason for her excessive luggage. Like she has brought me lots of Christmas presents."

"Actually, Rick is bringing everyone's presents," Jackie revealed. "I didn't have enough room in my suitcases."

Fez looked aghast. "You mean you brought _no presents for Fez?_" he asked, making a fuss.

"You guys are overreacting. Really, I was traveling light," Jackie told them all with a straight face.

Hyde raised an eyebrow. Laying heavy on the sarcasm, "You call _six _suitcases traveling light?"

Jackie sighed. _He just didn't get it._

"Hey, I usually bring ten suitcases. But this time, I only brought the essentials. I mean, I only brought _two_ sets of hot rollers with me. Do you realize how much I'm sacrificing?" Jackie shook her head. "I should have packed another suitcase of hair care products. Now, I'm going to have go shopping!" Looking around at their stunned faces, "I don't get what you guys are complaining about," she said with complete seriousness.

After recovering from the absurdity of Jackie's statements, Eric wryly remarked, "Well, I'm glad to know I've thrown out my shoulder for such a noble cause. I would hate for your beauty regimen to suffer."

Jackie gave him a pointed look. "That reminds me, Eric. You didn't bleed all over my luggage, did you?" she tactlessly asked, referring to his nosebleed.

Eric blinked before saying, "Exactly how long did you say you were staying for?"

Once the topic of Jackie's excessive luggage fell through, Donna started up with, "Kelso, your new van is pretty nice. I didn't really notice on the way to the airport."

"That is because you were too busy trying to steal my candy, _you evil redheaded candy vixen_," Fez spitefully snapped, protectively clutching his horde of candy.

Ignoring Fez, Kelso chuckled from behind the wheel. "Thanks, Donna. I bought this baby because of the great interior."

"Yeah right, Michael. You bought it because it's _large_," Jackie interjected.

"You know, I think Jackie may be on to something," Eric added thoughtfully. "I never noticed before, but Kelso always goes for large vehicles."

"Clearly, he's trying to compensate for something," Hyde joked.

It took Kelso several moments before he caught on to the underlying meaning of that statement, but when he did…

"That's ridiculous!" he exclaimed, gaping in outrage. "Jackie, tell them I'm not compensating for anything!"

"Oh, he's compensating," Jackie assured.

"JACKIE!" Kelso cried. Sputtering, "D-Don't listen to her! What would she know?"

"I did date you, Michael," Jackie pointed out in a bored tone.

"Well…uh…that doesn't mean you saw anything!"

"Probably because there was nothing to see," Hyde goaded, grinning.

Despite Kelso's further protestations, everyone easily ignored him.

Donna then began eyeing Fez's candy. "Guys, maybe we should stop somewhere to eat. I'm hungry."

"You've been hungry a lot," Eric noted. Then, frowning, "In fact, you ate my pancakes this morning!"

"Hey, it's not my fault you were late for breakfast."

"Yes, but did you have to eat my pancakes? My mom made those for _me!_"

"Eric, stop being a whiny baby. It is not manly," Fez informed him. Then, noticing Donna's greedy fingers in one of his candy bags, "Donna, give me back my candy," he whined like a baby.

"Fez, you have like seven bags!" Donna observed, motioning towards the large pile of candy Fez was trying to protect from her.

"Yes, but they are my bags of candy, so keep those large, manly hands of yours away from them," he insisted, swatting her hands away. "Besides, I am saving this candy for me and _my lady_," he said stiffly.

"Who _is_ this mysteriously lady you keep mentioning?" Eric curiously inquired.

"Knowing Fez, it's probably code for his right hand," Hyde responded before Fez could answer. Not paying any mind to Fez's glare, "In fact, I'm beginning to think that Fez's lady is just as made up as Jackie's boyfriend."

Jackie was immediately on guard. "My boyfriend is _so_ not made up!" she shrieked. "Steven, you take that back!"

Folding his arms, "I see no evidence that proves Mr. Wonderful's existence—"

"He does so exist! And stop calling him Mr. Wonderful!"

"For the record, _my lady_ does exist as well," Fez piped up, though Jackie and Hyde failed to register that he even spoke.

"Why? Isn't he wonderful?" Hyde taunted Jackie.

"Of course he's wonderful, but that's not the point—"

"Then what _is_ the point? Because I think you're full of—"

"The point is you're jealous! You can't stand that I have such a wonderful boyfriend—"

"I thought the point was that your wonderful boyfriend exists," Fez interjected, frowning. "Just like _my lady_ exists—"

"Jealous? You have to be kidding me," Hyde scoffed. "Why the hell would I be jealous of Mr. Wonderful, who may or may not exist—"

"Because Mr. Wonderful…I mean, _Rick_, is everything you're not. He's super wonderful, super rich, super supportive—"

"So Mr. Wonderful is super as well," Hyde mocked.

"—And he's _always_ there for me, Steven. Unlike you were."

"This is important," Fez concurred. "_My lady_ is always there for me. In fact, she has agreed to fulfill my ultimate fantasy—"

"Mr. Wonderful sounds like a prick," Hyde voiced condescendingly. "And if he's always there for you, how come he's not here now?"

Jackie was thrown off guard but quickly recovered. "He's not here because he has important business in New York, but I guarantee he will be here Christmas Eve. _He_ will do everything in his power to be with me. He knows what I'm worth!"

"What you're worth?" Hyde repeated. Looking down, "Let me guess, you're worth a pair of crappy designer shoes…?"

Huffing, "Don't be ridiculous, Steven. I'm worth _so much more_ than that. And for your information, _I _bought these shoes and for the last time, _they are not crappy_—"

"I have to agree. Those shoes are not crappy. Designer shoes are never crappy," Fez clinically injected his fashion expertise. "And just in case you are wondering, my ultimate fantasy is to have hot, sweaty sex while covered in candy and glitter—"

They weren't wondering and they weren't listening. "See, this is what's wrong with you," Hyde lectured Jackie. "Your quality of life is centered around materialistic objects—like shoes—whose only real value is suckering mindless consumers into funding vacations for corporate figureheads who do nothing besides play golf all day."

"—though perhaps I should add designer shoes to my fantasy," Fez continued, seemingly having a conversation with himself, "You see, that is why I purchased so much candy—"

"_Excuse me._ There's nothing wrong with me, Steven! I'm perfect!" Jackie yelled at Hyde, not paying the least bit of attention to Fez's disturbing sex fantasy. "You need to stop making things up just because you're jealous—"

"Trust me. I am _not _jealous of that prick Mr. Wonderful—"

"Actually, Hyde, you sound a bit jealous," Fez chimed in. "But that is not what I am concerned about. I have not yet purchased any glitter—"

"Let me tell you something, Steven," Jackie commanded, pointing her finger. "I'll have you know that these are more than just designer shoes. These shoes hold special meaning!"

"Special meaning? Like what? You got them on sale? They cost you two-hundred dollars instead of four-hundred dollars?"

"For your information, they cost six-hundred dollars and they weren't on sale," Jackie corrected. "But that's not why they're special. They're special because—"

"Jackie, they're not special. They're shoes. And one of them is broken. Which makes it crap. Congratulations, you bought six-hundred dollar crap."

Fez looked between Jackie and Hyde. "You know, you people are very rude. I have been trying to explain about my sexual fantasy involving candy and glitter but all you people want to talk about is shoes."

"How many times do I have to tell you they're not crap, Steven? You need to cut out this jealously stuff—"

"I'm not jealous," Hyde ground out. "You want to know _why_ I'm not jealous, Jackie? Alright, I'll tell you why I'm not jealous," he continued dangerously, "I'm not jealous because I have nothing to be jealous of. As far as I can tell, your life in New York is a meaningless, superficial façade. The fact that you think a pair of designer shoes merit some sort of special meaning just goes to show how sad your life truly is. And as for your Mr. Wonderful, I wouldn't trade places with him for a second. In fact, I feel sorry for him because he has to deal with you. Jackie, you wouldn't know what real life is about if you could buy it with a credit card. Do you have any idea how selfish and pathetic you are?"

The silence following Hyde's ruthless tirade of Jackie was deafening.

Jackie stilled, trying to steady the emotional pain that stabbed at her chest.

"Hyde, that was too far," Donna spoke out in Jackie's defense.

"Yeah, man. That was harsh," Eric agreed in a low tone.

Jackie closed her eyes. Is that what he really thought of her? But what did she care? He was her _ex_-boyfriend. He deserved the "ex" for a reason.

She opened her eyes and defiantly held his shielded gaze. She should prove him wrong. She should say something super mature and super sophisticated to throw him off balance…

_Ah, forget that…_

"I'm not speaking to you anymore!" she childishly threw at him.

Hyde examined her through his shades for a moment before responding, "Yeah, as if you could manage to keep your mouth shut for more than two seconds."

But she did manage to keep her mouth shut.

And the van grew eerily silent.

"I, for one, am glad we had that discussion," Fez spoke matter-of-factly. He looked around the van. "Now, does anybody know where I can pick up some glitter?"

No one responded.

Hyde shifted uncomfortably in his seat, resisting the urge to check on Jackie. He felt…guilty. He was harsh. Too harsh. He should apologize…

Clearing his throat, "Jackie…?"

Silence.

"I…uh…may have been a bit…you know…"

Silence.

_Crap._ Apologies weren't his forte. "Jackie, you know what I'm trying to say. So…why don't _you_ say something?"

Silence.

He should just say it. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he managed with minor grimace results.

Silence.

"Jackie, didn't you hear what I said? You're supposed to speak now…"

Silence.

Whatever. It was better if she didn't speak. Her shrill tones gave him a headache. Her silence was a good thing.

But it didn't feel like a good thing when Jackie refused to speak for the rest of the ride back.

Of course, that didn't stop the rest of the gang from misbehaving and getting on Hyde's nerves.

"Hey! Give me back my candy!" an upset Fez cried out after Donna grabbed one of his candy bags.

"C'mon, Fez, I'm hungry and you have enough candy for like twenty people," she reasoned.

"Lady, that candy does not belong to you," Fez vehemently charged as he snatched the bag back.

It was then that Donna transformed into Scary Donna—the redheaded candy beast who snarled at Fez and then pounced on him to fight over possession of the candy bag.

"Alright! Donna's wrestling Fez!" Kelso hollered in excitement, looking into the rearview mirror. "Donna! You should totally take off your shirt!"

"Man, this is turning out just like the ride _to_ the airport," Hyde grunted.

"I think my nose finally stopped bleeding!" Eric triumphantly announced amidst the candy chaos.

Which proved a premature assessment because…

"Oh! My nose!"

Eric cried out when a large candy bag flew into his nose, which promptly restarted the blood-gushing.

"Dude, that's what happened on the ride to the airport!" Kelso yelled gleefully, voicing Hyde's thoughts—though Hyde's thoughts were leaning more towards murderous than gleeful.

"Man, I'm feeling kind of woozy," Eric whimpered.

"Settle down, Marcia," Hyde grumbled.

Hyde's gaze involuntarily drifted to Jackie. She was staring resolutely out of the window as if all the candy and nosebleed madness wasn't occurring. She looked so…tragically beautiful. Something funky twisted in Hyde's gut at the sight of her.

Before he could examine the feeling further…

"Aye! You bitch! I will never forgive you for this!" Fez vented into the seat cushion of Kelso's new van—which was where Scary Donna had his head restrained as she took possession of his candy bag.

"Great. All we need is for Kelso to almost kill us all over a hot chick and this will be _exactly_ like the ride to the airport," Hyde mused dryly.

"WHOA! CHECK OUT THE HOT BLONDE ACROSS THE STREET!" Kelso cried, preparing to make a highly dangerous illegal U-Turn…

Hyde groaned. "I spoke too soon."

* * *

_Another 30 minutes later…_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Forman's Living Room_

Jackie was composed.

Jackie was quiet.

Jackie was _livid._

"At least we all made it back in one piece," Eric (whose nose had _finally_ stopped bleeding) tried optimistically as they entered the Forman's living room.

"Speak for yourself, you _sonofabitch_," Fez griped bitterly. "Because of that evil wife of yours, I am down to only two candy bags," he solemnly declared, cradling the candy bags in question to his chest.

Scary Donna had turned back into regular Donna after she'd gotten her sugar fix. "I'm sorry, Fez," she apologized. "I was just so hungry. But you still have a lot of candy left."

"Yes, but will it be enough to live out my hot, sweaty sex fantasy with _my lady?_" Fez countered tartly. He then indignantly added, "I still have no glitter, and now I may not have enough candy. What kind of country is this where a man cannot have hot, sweaty sex with candy and glitter?"

No one had an answer for that. Except for…

"Dude, I once had sex while covered in honey!" Kelso loudly informed them. He turned to Fez and confided, "But I gotta tell ya, little buddy. Having sex while covering in honey is not all it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, it was AWESOME! But, dude, it was seriously messy. Especially when the honey got all up in my man-parts. It really inhibited my mobility if you know what I mean—"

"_Kelso!_" Eric interjected in alarm. "I think I speak for all of us when I say we can do without the details of your man-parts."

"Speak for yourself," Fez asserted. Turning to Kelso with a look of interest, "Tell me more about the effects of honey on your man-parts…"

As Fez and Kelso conferred in a detailed discussion regarding their man-parts and sticky substances, a grossed-out Eric and Donna turned to a quietly livid Jackie and a broodingly somber Hyde.

Leaning towards his wife, Eric audibly whispered in a confidential manner, "Donna, have you noticed that Jackie hasn't spoken for at least a half hour? It's spooky."

Donna whispered back to her husband, "I know. And look at Hyde, he's gotten all sulky."

"You don't think that has to do with Jackie, do you? You'd think he'd treat her silence as a cause for celebration."

"I know it has to do with Jackie. He may act like he's cooler than the rest of us, but deep down he's really sensitive. Especially where Jackie is concerned."

"You know we can hear you," Hyde told them, annoyed, "and I _am _cooler than the rest of you. Don't delude yourselves into thinking I have any emotional depth."

The previously silent Jackie _humph_ed something that sounded an awful lot like "jackass_._"

Eric and Donna focused their attention on the petite brunette, who was looking around airily as if she couldn't possibly have coughed up an insult directed at her ex-boyfriend.

"Excuse me? Did you say something…?" Eric questioned, holding a hand up to his ear. When Jackie obstinately refused to respond, "Donna? Did _you_ hear something?"

"Hear something?" Donna reiterated, pretending to mull over the question. She then answered with obvious exaggeration, "Now that you mention it, I thought I heard someone choke out 'jackass.' But, hey, I could be imagining things."

Eric feigned surprise. "Jackass? Now why would someone utter such a crude phrase? I can't imagine one of us would be so foul-mouthed."

"It might have something to do with Hyde behaving like a jackass all day." Donna shrugged. "Just a guess."

"Ahhh…well, that would make sense."

Hyde was none-too-amused at the banter between husband and wife. "Are you two done?" he asked them.

"I don't know. Are you done pouting like a two-year-old?" Donna shot back.

Hyde didn't answer, choosing to instead cross his arms and maintain his sour expression.

"Looks like he's not done pouting like a two-year-old," Eric observed.

Uncrossing his arms, "It's a good thing you two are married to each other. I can't imagine anyone else being bowled over by all the smug obnoxiousness," Hyde told them.

Another _humph_ed exclamation of "jackass" was once again heard coming from Jackie's direction.

Jaw set, Hyde surveyed Jackie with a cool expression. "I'm still wondering why we didn't drop her off at the hotel."

"Hyde, you know Jackie can't check-in until noon. She'd have been sitting in the lobby for at least two hours," Donna replied.

"And that's a problem because…?"

Yet another _humph_ed "jackass" followed Hyde's inquiry.

"_Hyde,_" Donna pronounced his name in a tone of warning.

Hyde chose not to heed the warning. "Look, Jackie. If you've got something to say, just say it," he implored in a clipped tone.

Silence.

"What? No insults lodged in your throat you'd like to cough up?" he needled resentfully. "Good. It's better for everyone if we don't have to listen to that shrill voice of yours."

Keeping that shrill voice of hers in check, Jackie's non-verbal response was to turn her back on her invidious ex-boyfriend. The act was easier said than done, however, as the shift in weight caused her to wobble on her broken heel.

Which left her wide open to callous burns like…

…"Careful, Jackie. Apparently six-hundred dollar shoes have been known to make people waddle like a lopsided duck" from Hyde.

Despite her broken heel, Jackie managed to whip around with startling speed and balance to screech in that shrill voice of hers, "THAT'S IT, STEVEN! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND ALL YOUR…YOUR…_WORDS!_"

With a slight wince from the all the shrillness, "You've had it with me and my _words? _Ouch, Jackie. You really know how to hit me where it hurts," Hyde ruthlessly mocked.

"SHUT UP, STEVEN!" she commanded, her voice elevating to new heights on the shrill scale. "God, you're such a jackass! Not to mention deluded. First of all, I do NOT waddle. A person does not waddle in _designer _shoes—even if the heel is defective. Second, I in NO WAY bare resemblance to a lopsided duck!"

"Jackie, you're overreacting," Hyde responded with obvious impatience. "You're always overreacting over ridiculous crap. I mean, seriously, you get this riled up because a broken shoe happens to be '_designer._' Give me a break." He looked at her and smirked. "Oh, and designer shoes or not, you _do_ waddle like a lopsided duck."

Jackie sucked in her breath. She had been livid before, but now…

She was hurt.

She was upset.

She was_ ready to kill Steven Hyde with her high-heels._

An almost-deranged expression came over the petite brunette's face as she shrieked in unconcealed fury, "I DO NOT WADDLE LIKE A LOPSIDED DUCK!"

She then waddled slightly, shifting to stand on her right foot as she continued to scream…

"I HAVE NEVER, _EVER_—"

Lifting her left foot, she pulled the shiny red broken-heeled _designer_ shoe off with her right hand…

"—WADDLED LIKE A LOPSIDED DUCK—"

As she yelled, she waved her defective shoe at him in a threatening manner…

"—IN MY LIFE—"

Emphasizing her outrage, she wound her arm back before forcefully bringing it forward and releasing the much fought over shoe, causing Hyde to duck and catch the shoe to avoid injury…

"—BUT _YOU_—"

Unsatisfied that she'd failed to hit her intended target, she quickly removed the non-broken-heeled shoe from her right foot…

"—WILL ALWAYS BE—"

She then wound back her arm with renewed vigor…

"—A _JACKASS!_"

Reaching the climax of her declaration, she hurled the perfectly-heeled shoe in the direction of Steven Hyde's sunglass-shaded face…

…which resulted in Hyde letting loose a string of expletives (the politest being "HOLY CRAP!") as he was forced to narrowly side-step and catch the incoming high-heel.

The result of Jackie's impromptu designer shoe attack:

A concerned Donna. "Guys, I think being compared to a lopsided duck was too much for Jackie."

A relieved Eric. "Hey, I'm just glad I didn't get hit in the nose again."

An aroused Kelso. "Man, is it just me or does Jackie get even HOTTER when she's angry?"

An impressed Fez. "Wow, designer shoes are not only sexy but deadly as well."

And finally…a stunned Hyde, who was left standing open-mouthed holding both of Jackie's shoes in his hands. Collecting himself, "So, Jackie," he said, attempting to sound casual, "I hope you're satisfied now that you've tried to off me with your crappy six-hundred dollar shoes."

Which was the wrong thing to say.

Because Jackie, barefoot and caught in a blind rage, was not satisfied. Not yet appeased regarding the slight on her designer footwear, she turned to find the next available object…

Fez's candy.

Single-handedly grabbing one of the candy bags from the protesting foreign man's arms ("Hey! That's _my_ candy, you irate shoe-throwing midget!" Fez unsuccessfully complained), Jackie reached into the candy bag and began viciously catapulting clumps of candy in Hyde's direction.

"MY SHOES…ARE NOT…CRAPPY…AND DON'T…YOU EVER…COMPARE ME…TO A LOPSIDED DUCK…AGAIN!" shouted a shoeless Jackie in-between chucking handfuls of candy as Hyde ducked, holding up the shoes she'd thrown at him in protection.

Finally, after a seemingly endless parade of candy-pelting…

"Damn, I'm out of candy," Jackie angrily pouted looking into the empty bag. Shrugging, she threw the bag at her stupefied ex-boyfriend and cried, "Take _that_, you jackass!" before abruptly turning away and storming out of the front door barefoot.

Everyone stared open-mouthed at Jackie's exit.

_Who knew such a tiny person could be so frightening?_

Hyde, still holding Jackie's shoes in his hands, stood still. Astounded that any chick had the guts to throw anything at him, he gawked after the place his throw-happy ex-girlfriend had disappeared with reluctant admiration.

"Jackie must be really pissed at you," Fez perceived, "She left without her designer shoes." He then looked down at the candy-strewn floor, a pitiful expression on his face. "And now I am down to only one bag of candy. Things are not looking good for my hot, sweaty sex fantasy…"

Kelso, at least, appeared highly amused by all the mayhem. "Dude, I've never seen Jackie that mad! I mean, she's thrown stuff at me but she always made sure to steer clear of hurling accessories. Hyde, you are so screwed."

"I don't often agree with Kelso," Eric joined in, looking at Hyde. "But he's right, man. You are screwed."

"Yeah, well, he deserves it for being a jackass," Donna added on Jackie's behalf.

A still shell-shocked Hyde stared back in confusion. "Who knew she would get so upset about being compared to a lopsided duck?"

Everyone eyed him as if he'd had a brain transplant and Kelso was the donor. Donna looked liked like she was about to hurl another insult at him when Mrs. Forman came bursting into the living room from the kitchen…

"Hello, everyone!" Mrs. Forman cheerfully greeted, clashing horribly with the heavy tension of the room.

Mrs. Forman was greeted back by five blank stares.

Frowning, "I thought I heard a loud screeching noise. Is Jackie back?" Mrs. Forman inquired. Taking notice of Hyde, Mrs. Forman's gaze shifted to his hands. "Oh my! What a lovely pair of high-heels! Too bad one of the heels is broken," she tutted. "After all, they look like they're _designer._"

***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

"C'mon, guys. It's Christmas Eve!" Eric began in yet another attempt to get Hyde and Jackie to drop their awkward silent routine. "Enough with the brooding and pouting. Let's see some holiday cheer. You know, peace on earth and good will…"

Both Jackie and Hyde answered Eric by sending him looks that told him where he could throw his peace on earth and where they'd love to shove his good will.

Donna, who was eating out of a bag of Ho Hos while Fez looked grumpily on, commented between bites, "Eric, I think they want you to mind your own business," correctly interpreting Jackie and Hyde's I'll-kill-anyone-who-speaks expressions.

"No, no, we've gotta get this silent nonsense sorted out," Eric insisted. Gesturing towards Jackie and Hyde, "These two are messing up the group balance with their creepy and unnatural vibes! They've knocked everything off-kilter. Take _Star Wars_, for example. Can you imagine what it would have been like for Luke if C3PO and R2D2 never communicated—"

The rest of the gang groaned.

"—If they couldn't communicate, they might never have been able to rescue Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt. And considering what happened on Endor—"

The rest of the gang continued to groan. Loudly.

"Forman, is there nothing you can't turn into a _Star Wars_ analogy?" Hyde droned sarcastically.

Refusing to directly reply, Eric said, "Listen guys, extremely valid _Star Wars_ analogies aside, we all have our place in the group." He looked around the room. "Donna's the voice of reason, Fez is the crazy foreign guy, Kelso is…Kelso is…" He trailed off, seemingly unable to find something complementary regarding Kelso's contribution to the group.

"C'mon, Eric. What am I?" Kelso prodded eagerly, scooting forward in excitement.

"Well, uh…you're…you're…"

"I think the problem is there's just too many answers to that question," Hyde interjected, grinning evilly. "Right, Forman?"

"Right," Eric swallowed, still searching for an answer. "Kelso…you're…_you're the King_," he finally answered.

Which pleased Kelso to no end.

"Gee, thanks man," a-clearly-touched Kelso said, getting up and awkwardly mulling Eric with a hug. Choking up, "That means so much to me…"

After ungracefully extracting himself from an emotional Kelso, "Uh…right. Where was I? Oh yeah, like I was saying, everyone has their place in the group—"

"I vote we kick you out of the group," Jackie rudely interrupted.

Aghast, Eric's jaw dropped. "Me? You can't vote me out of the group! This is _my_ basement! If anything, I can kick you out!"

"You can't kick me out. You don't even live here anymore."

Eric twitched slightly. "I may not live here, but _my parents_ do. Therefore, I can kick you out by default."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "_Please_. They don't even like you. Your parents would probably kick _you _out of the basement."

Eric, highly annoyed, responded, "I'm just remembering your role in the group. You're the over-opinionated loudmouth." He sighed. "Which is why it's weird that you and Hyde aren't speaking. Granted, Hyde's the sarcastic loner of the group, but it's still weird…"

"Eric, you have not yet shared your role in the group," Fez politely observed.

Making a rather vain attempt to look bashful, "Well, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything…well, why not?" Eric couldn't help but gesture smugly toward himself. "I think it's pretty apparent that I'm the leader. The Luke Skywalker of the group—"

Eric missed the looks of incredulity on everyone's faces as he persisted in tooting his own horn. "—I'm the one to come to for advice. The voice of wisdom, if you will. The glue that holds everything together. I'm pretty sure everyone would be lost without me." When Eric finished, he looked around at everyone…

Everyone stared blankly at him.

_A second later…_

Everyone burst out into fits of hysterical laughter.

"Oh, Eric, my friend. That was a good joke. I had no idea you were funny," Fez wheezed, still hunched over and shaking with laughter. "_The voice of wisdom_…" he mocked, chuckling away.

"Yeah, man. I haven't laughed this hard in ages," Hyde added, taking off his sunglasses to wipe his eyes before putting them back on again.

Kelso had literally fallen on the floor he was laughing so hard. "Dude, even I got how funny that was…and I hardly get anything!"

Eric, of course, did not get what was so amusing and glared as his friends continued to cackle with glee at his expense.

"God, my mascara is totally ruined," Jackie bitched between fits of laughter. "But that part about everyone being lost without you was hilarious!"

"Yeah, and what about the part about being _'The glue that holds everything together'?_" Donna asked, giggling away.

"Donna!" Eric cried.

"Sorry, Eric…or should I call you '_the Luke Skywalker of the group'?_"

Following Donna's comment, everyone laughed even harder.

Everyone except for Eric, that is. "Ha. Ha. Very funny. That's it, laugh it up. But just think about where you'd all be without me…"

"Probably in someone else's basement," Hyde cracked…

…and everyone began laughing all over again.

Once everyone managed to compose themselves (after an extended period of laughter), a none-too-amused Eric spoke in strained tones, "We seem to have gotten off track. This was supposed to be about Jackie and Hyde—"

Arms folded across his chest, Hyde decided he'd had enough of this foolishness. So he said, "Forman, enough of this foolishness." Peering at his twitchy friend through his shades, he stated, "Whatever is going on between me and Jackie is between me and Jackie. So butt out."

"But you're messing with the group. Remember how in _Star Wars_—"

"Forman, if you persist in making _Star Wars_ analogies, I may very well quit speaking to you too."

"Personally, I'm still all for voting Eric out of the group," Jackie declared to the room.

Eric eyed her in indignation. "I'm not even sure when you became part of the group." Turning to his wife, he pleaded, "Donna…help me out here?"

"No thanks, you're doing a fine job of failing miserably all on your own," Donna replied dismissively. "Besides, I'm far too busy eating Ho Hos." Pulling a new package of Ho Hos out of the box, "Seriously, who knew Ho Hos were so tasty? I never really got what all the fuss was about…but they're awesome!" she decreed with incredulous delight as she proceeded to chow down on the tasty Ho Hos.

"Of course they are tasty, you foolish woman," Fez chided, eyeing Donna with unconcealed malice as she went to town on another Ho Ho. "How could miniature cream-filled chocolate cakes coated with yet _more_ chocolate-y goodness be anything other than tasty?"

Noticing Fez's death glare, "Fez, these are community Ho Hos," Donna defended.

"Yes. Funny how the community seems to be made up entirely of pushy redheads named Donna."

"Fez, you could have had some Ho Hos if you wanted."

"Great!" Fez exclaimed, leaning toward the box. "So you won't mind if I partake in the cream-filled chocolate-y goodness…"

Donna quickly snatched the box away just as Fez was about to grab it. "Uh…tell you what, Fez. I'll give you the box as soon as I'm done with it."

Fez's eyes narrowed. "By the time you are done with it, there will be nothing left!"

"Donna, you _are_ eating a lot lately," Eric noted. "If you're not careful, at the rate you're going you might find yourself in need of Jane Fonda's workout video."

"What are you trying to say Eric? Are you saying you think I'm fat?" Donna asked dangerously.

"Of course not!"

"Actually, Donna. That is exactly what he is saying," Fez interrupted. "So why don't you hand over the Ho Hos before you get as big as a house?"

"Donna, you are in no way fat," Eric told his wife. "Though now that you mention it…" He gave her an appraising look. "Have you gained weight? Maybe you should lay off the Ho Hos."

"_Excuse me?_" Donna asked in foreboding undertones.

"Uh, oh," Hyde chimed in. "Forman, you're totally screwed."

The rest of the gang nodded their heads in agreement.

"W-What…" Eric nervously sputtered. "I'm not saying you're fat. I'm just saying—"

"You're just saying you don't want a fat wife. That's what you're saying," Donna finished for him. Angered, Donna stood up and tossed the box of Ho Hos on the table. Hands on her hips, she faced her husband with an expression that very much resembled Scary Donna, the redheaded candy beast. "But you know what, Eric? I'll eat whatever I damn well please. In fact, I'm going to start eating everything in sight so that I'll become really, really fat! How do like that idea? Huh, Eric? Think you'll enjoy having a big, fat wife? You better, because THAT'S EXACTLY what you're going to have!" Following her heated rant, Donna looked around and said, "Now, if you excuse me…I'm hungry and I'm going to go upstairs and help myself to the new box of Twinkies Mrs. Forman bought so that I can get started on becoming REALLY, REALLY FAT!"

Donna then stormed upstairs muttering something that sounded like "_Ass._"

Eric stood up and rounded on Jackie and Hyde. "Now look what you two have done! Donna's mad at me!"

Uncrossing his arms, Hyde held up his hands. "Hey, man. I'm not the idiot who implied his wife was fat."

"At least I get the Ho Hos," Fez said brightly, picking up the discarded box—but victory proved fleeting. Looking into the box, he immediately frowned. "_Sonofabitch!_" he swore. He swiveled towards Eric, accusation written all over his pissed-off foreign face. "Your wife, the Ho Ho whore, has eaten the entire box!" Angrily tossing the box aside, he muttered, "Community Ho Hos, my ass."

Eric kept his focus on Hyde and Jackie. "See what happens when you throw the group balance off? Donna starts acting like a madwoman!" Pointing his bony finger at them, he sternly ordered, "You two need to apologize to each other and be done with it!"

Hyde raised an indignant brow and motioned toward Jackie. "She threw her shoes at me, man. What should I apologize for?"

Jackie couldn't help the _humph_ of indignation that escaped her. "I'll tell you what you should apologize for," she interrupted. "You should apologize for being a jackass!"

"I should apologize? Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't _you_ the one who started throwing things at _me?_"

"Which I wouldn't have done if you weren't being a jackass!"

"'Jackass' is a relative term," Hyde argued, sidestepping the issue. "Let's deal with the cold, hard facts—which are that you went all psycho by attacking me with your shoes and Fez's candy." He gave an exaggerated sigh. Then, in a faux-weary voice, "You're lucky I don't sue you for physical and emotional trauma."

"_Excuse me?_ Just who do you think you're calling a psycho? Pretty people aren't allowed to be called psychos! I have half a mind to start throwing things at you right now!"

"So, you would consider yourself completely sane when you took off your shoes and chucked them at my head?"

"Yes!"

Smiling evilly, "In that case, I might as well sue you since you can't plead insanity. Unless, of course, you want to apologize to me for your outrageous behavior. Then, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones."

Jackie couldn't believe his nerve. Irate, she stood up and fumed, "When hell freezes over! The only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't hit you with my shoes!"

"Real mature, Jackie," Hyde scorned. "Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You are Train Jackie. I guess we can add psycho shoe-thrower to the long list of havoc you've wreaked. I wonder who you're going to crash and burn next."

Silence.

Eric, who inadvertently started the argument, shifted guiltily. "Um…well, this is good. At least you two are talking," he supplied with false optimism.

Silence.

Then…

"STEVEN HYDE, YOU ARE SUCH A JACKASS!" Jackie shrieked in such a high pitch that everyone winced.

Rubbing his ears and looking up, Fez complained, "Aye-yi-yi. First Donna takes my candy and eats all the Ho Hos, and now I have been rendered deaf. What have I done to deserve this?"

"Man, my ears are ringing," Eric whined. Turning to Kelso, "Are your ears ringing?"

Kelso, however, couldn't hear him over the ringing in his ears.

Not concerned with any ailments she may have caused, Jackie continued in slightly less ear-piercing octaves, "You know what, Steven? You've always been quick to lay the blame on me, but let me tell you, Train Jackie only ever crashed and burned with Train Steven and that was only because Train Steven was such a jackass!"

Hyde stood up in a deceitfully lazy manner. "You know what? Maybe Train Jackie should consider that Train Steven just doesn't care."

Jackie swayed unsteadily, hurt by the remark…

"Man, what is it with you guys and trains?" Kelso asked in confusion. "You two are always talking about trains." An idiotic, yet pleased expression overtook his face. After several seconds, "Yeah, I started thinking about trains…Dude, trains are AWESOME!"

Jackie and Hyde paused to give Kelso an "Are you serious?" look. After deducing that he was indeed serious, they turned back towards each other, ready to resume their argument…

"You know what I think?" Eric asked, heading off anymore of Jackie's ear-piercing shrieks. "I think we all need to take time out and relax—get rid of all the awkwardness."

Jackie scoffed loudly. "And how do you plan to do that?"

Eric shot Hyde a significant look.

Hyde grinned, catching his meaning…

* * *

_A smoke-filled 20 minutes later…_

Eric, Kelso, Fez, Hyde, and Jackie all sat in their traditional circle with dilated pupils and way-too-wide grins.

Eric nodded with bemused satisfaction. "See, guys? I _told_ you this would get rid of all the awkwardness." He paused. "Dude, who the hell has their hand on my leg?"

"Sorry, man. I thought you were Jackie," Kelso apologized. Suddenly, a glazed look of amusement overtook his face. "Man, I was thinking about trains again. Don't you just love trains?"

"You know what I would love?" asked a bitter Fez. "I would love to have my candy and Ho Hos back, but that evil woman has made this impossible." His features turned hard. "But Fez will have his vengeance…"

Hyde nodded at nothing in particular. "You know what, man? I've been thinking." A long pause ensued. "Nah, man. That's it. I've just been thinking."

Jackie was busy twirling her hair. "I need to go shopping," she announced abruptly. "I'm like _way _overdue to go shopping. I think the last time I went shopping was…yesterday." She nodded. "Yeah, like I said, I'm way overdue to go shopping. I don't know what I was thinking only packing six suitcases…"

Eric was shaking his head. "The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced Donna overreacted. I never actually called her fat. I may have implied she was gaining weight, but still…this is just like in _Star Wars_ when…" He frowned suddenly. Looking down, "Kelso, your hand is on my leg again…"

"He had boobs!" Kelso yelled in reaction, confused. Then, grimacing, "Sorry, man, I was thinking of something else." He then brightened. "Man, I love boobs. Big boobs! Small boobs! All kinds of boobs! Too bad there are only two of them…Hey! Imagine a three-boobed chick! How HOT would that be?"

"I have decided not to dwell on the Ho Hos," Fez asserted. After a few seconds, "Of course, that's because there are no more Ho Hos to dwell on…no thanks to Donna…but I'm not dwelling on it…oh no…how could I dwell on something as tasty and scrumptious as small, cream-filled chocolate cakes…" His expression darkened. "Damn woman, _why did she have to eat them all?_"

Hyde continued to nod away at nothing in particular. "You know what, man? I've been thinking about what I was thinking about before…and you know what? I can't remember what I was thinking about…"

Still twirling her hair, "I _love_ shopping," Jackie said with a dreamy expression. "There's nothing better than shopping. Shopping is _always_ there for me when I need it." She gasped, having a light bulb moment. "Oh my gosh! I just realized something. _Shopping_ is the love of my life. I should marry shopping!"

"See, guys? I _told_ you this would get rid of all the awkwardness…wait, did I say that already?" Eric paused, looking confused. Then…"Dude, why is your hand _still_ on my leg?"

* * *

_A less smoke-filled 20 minutes later…_

"Yeah, everything's awkward again," Hyde said, stating the obvious.

"Perhaps it wouldn't be awkward if you and Jackie made up and reset the group balance—"

"Drop it, Forman," Hyde barked, not wanting to deal with this crap. "If I were you, I would worry less about me and Jackie and more about that pissed-off wife of yours."

Eric looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Yes, well, Donna was clearly overreacting—"

"Forman, you called her fat."

"Technically, I didn't call her fat—"

Raising a brow, "Did you imply she was fat?"

"I didn't say anything about being fat!"

Hyde gave him a look.

"Okay, I may have implied she gained weight," Eric backpedaled. "But that is nowhere near the same thing as calling her fat—"

"Forman, Forman, Forman," Hyde chanted, realizing his friend was clueless. "As your much cooler, more experienced friend, let me give some advice. Never, ever tell a woman she's gained weight. Even if she asks you. That's how they trap you. There's really only one thing to do in that situation—_lie_." Holding up his hand to stop the rebuttal Eric was about to make, "No, Forman, there's no other solution. You lie. You lie and say, 'Are you crazy? Of course you haven't gained weight.' Even if she's as big as Shamu. So, the next time you see Donna, take my advice and lie."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Like you're one to give advice, Steven," she accused. "You were an awful boyfriend."

Hyde scoffed in disbelief. "Oh, and you were up for The Best Girlfriend Ever Award."

Scowling at him, "Well, if I wasn't, I should have been," Jackie said crossly. "I'm the perfect girlfriend. Any guy would be lucky to have me! I mean, _look at me_." She arrogantly motioned up and down her body.

"I'm looking," Hyde stated flatly. "So, what?" he furthered, ignoring the voice in his head that screamed _liar_.

"Whatever, Steven," Jackie brushed aside. "You know what your problem is?"

Linking his hands and leaning back in his chair, "No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

"Your problem is you don't put any effort into relationships. Like when I said I wanted something shiny, I shouldn't have had to settle for a hamburger wrapped in tin foil!"

"Sorry I didn't roll out the red carpet for you," he sneered.

Hopping up off the couch, "You know what? You should have! I deserve a guy who treats me like a princess!"

"Princess? More like a royal pain in the ass," he responded, standing up to face her.

Hands balled into fists, she looked ready to pitch a fit. So she did. "Ugh! You're impossible! I'm so glad I broke up with you—"

"Oh? You broke up with me? I don't remember—"

"I'm so lucky to have Rick now. He's so wonderful—"

"I don't want to hear about Mr. Wonderful—"

"You could learn a few things from Rick. Like how not to be a jackass—"

"Jackie, I said I didn't want to hear about—"

"Rick would never talk bad about my designer shoes—"

"Gee, I guess Mr. Wonderful doesn't mind buying six-hundred dollar crap—"

"You see, Rick understands that I deserve the finer things in life—"

Crossing his arms, Hyde realized he wasn't going to get a word in edgewise.

"And more importantly, Rick would NEVER compare me to a LOPSIDED DUCK—"

Now she was actually yelling at him. _Great_.

"He realizes how PERFECT I am and it would be IMPOSSBILE for me to waddle like a duck—"

Damn. She was yelling really loud. His ears were starting to hurt.

"And you want to know the best thing? Rick TELLS ME how he feels. He's NOT AFRAID to say he loves me. Unlike someone I know who has the emotional sensitivity of a rock—"

Finally, Hyde decided he'd had enough. Yapping about "emotional sensitivity" clinched it.

"Man, I refuse to listen to this. I'm leaving," he muttered, turning away from the infuriating brunette and making for the stairs.

Behind him, "_Leave?_ You can't leave, Steven! I'm not done yelling at you!" he heard her bitch.

But leave he did, not bothering to spare her a second glance as he made his way up the basement stairs and away from her screeching.

His ears were starting to feel better already. He sighed, entering the Forman's kitchen.

That was when he caught sight of Donna—who was eating out of a box of Twinkies. But not only that. She also had various packages of cookies, a bag of chips, an open jar of peanut butter, and what appeared to be a large bundle of asparagus strewn out across the kitchen counter.

"Whoa! Big Red, you really are eating everything in sight!"

Looking up, "I'm gonna be really, really fat if it's the last thing I do! Eric's an ass," Donna informed him, taking a bite of a Twinkie then immediately afterward taking a bite of asparagus.

Hyde made a face. "Great…just don't ask me to join you."

Grabbing a cookie, "Hyde, do you think I've gained weight?"

Hyde immediately had his answer ready. "Are you crazy? Of course you haven't gained weight," he lied easily.

"Thanks, Hyde," Donna smiled. She then gave him a shrewd look. "So, what brings you by?"

"Uh, let's just say me and Jackie started speaking again…"

Donna's lips quirked in amusement. "I take it you guys didn't kiss and make-up?"

"Not unless you'd qualify her raving like a lunatic about how Mr. Wonderful is such a superior boyfriend making-up."

"Jealous, Hyde?"

Startled, "Jealous? Why does everybody keep saying that? What do I have to be jealous of?"

Putting down her latest Twinkie, she gave him a searching look. "I don't know, Hyde. What _do_ you have to be jealous of?"

"Nothing. I'm _not_ jealous," Hyde abruptly bit out.

"Just like you _don't care_ that Mr. Wonderful is planning on proposing when he comes to Point Place," she replied, her voice loaded with meaning.

Damn woman, she was goading him. "Whatever," he grumbled.

Donna continued to observe him with unconcealed amusement. Damnit, he _knew_ what she was thinking about. Under pressure, Hyde jerked slightly as he shifted his weight—which only led the evil woman to smile knowingly.

"Zip it, Donna," he barked.

Her lips quirked. "I didn't say anything."

No, but her eyes were mocking him.

Holding her hands up innocently, "Is there something _you _would like to discuss, Hyde?" Donna asked in a falsely sweet voice.

He didn't have to ask what she was referring to.

That "something funky" was wrecking his insides again. The same way it did when Donna accosted him about Jackie at the record store. And this time, he wasn't sure it was indigestion. Whatever that "something funky" was, he didn't like it.

He certainly didn't want to think about it.

He _definitely_ didn't want to talk about it.

Avoiding the issue, "Did you just dip that potato chip in peanut butter?" he inquired.

"Yep."

"That's gross, Donna."

She rolled her eyes. "Never mind that," Donna waved his revulsion aside.

"Never mind? How can I not mind? You're eating it right in front of me—"

"C'mon, Hyde. Why don't you just admit it?" Donna cut off, refusing to let him sidetrack her. "You still have feelings for Jackie."

Man, he was really starting to regret he hadn't called her fat when she'd asked.

"Look, Donna. Just stay out of it," Hyde warned. As if for good measure, he told her, "The day I admit to having feelings for Jackie, there will be snowstorms in Hell."

Donna shook her head and smiled secretly at him—as if she knew something he didn't.

Chicks, man. What a pain in the ass…

"I should get going—"

"Jackie's really not as bad as she used to be," Donna nonchalantly interrupted as she dipped another chip in peanut butter. "Despite how she acts, she's less shallow and superficial than she used to be."

Hyde couldn't hide his surprise. "Donna, you're defending a woman who called your wedding reception tacky."

"Did you know Jackie offered to pay for my wedding reception?" Donna questioned smugly.

He blinked. "No, I didn't."

"Like I said, she's not as bad as she used to be."

Hyde stared stoically at her for a second. Then, "Whatever. I don't care. I'm gonna head out to the record store…"

"Uh, huh." Donna looked unconvinced. As he made for the door, "By the way, you might want to stop at your apartment and change your pants before you go," she suggested, sounding amused.

Hyde automatically looked down. "Oh yeah, Kelso's cherry Popsicle. I forgot…"

"Yeah, Hyde, you _do_ look like you got your period," Donna quipped, laughing.

With one last parting glare, Hyde strode out the kitchen door, anxious to get away from the overeating redhead.

* * *

_2 hours later…_

_Forman's Kitchen_

"Eric is such an ass—"

"Steven's a jackass—"

"I can't believe I married such an ass—"

"I'm so glad I'm no longer dating that jackass—"

"How dare Eric insinuate I'm fat—"

"Steven's crazy to compare me to a lopsided duck—"

"I never complained about how bony _he_ is—"

"He's probably just upset I've gotten even better-looking with age—"

"If Eric thinks I'm going to let his ass-like behavior go, he has another thing coming—"

"Steven must regret letting an amazingly attractive person like me go—"

"We'll just see how much my husband's bony body can stand after his big, fat wife gets through with him!"

"Looking at my outrageous beauty is probably painful for Steven. I don't think he realized how privileged he was to be with me. I mean, who wouldn't want a hot girlfriend with perfect hair? He never knew what I was worth! And I'm not talking in terms of designer shoes—"

Donna, who had finished her own heated rant on her ass of a husband, was now quietly observing Jackie's heated rant on her jackass of an ex-boyfriend…

"—You know what? Steven never knew how to be a proper boyfriend! He was never there for me…and he never bought me proper presents! Seriously, a Led Zeppelin t-shirt? _What was he thinking?_ I've been so much better off without him—"

Unnoticed by Jackie, the corners of Donna's mouth curved in amusement as she listened to her highly-opinionated friend chatter away about how lucky she was to be rid of one Steven Hyde. Jackie's arguments that "Scruffy boyfriends are just too hard to maintain" and that "The only regret I have about Steven is that I didn't manage to hit him with my high-heels" were all very convincing…if you didn't know Jackie, that is.

But Donna did know Jackie, which was why when Jackie pronounced that "Steven must be intimidated by girls with perfect hair—there's no other explanation for calling me a lopsided duck that makes sense!" Donna burst out laughing.

Jackie—so intent on her anti-Hyde rant—failed to notice…

"Steven must have realized how rare it is to find a woman with perfect hair," the perfectly-coiffed brunette surmised to herself.

Realizing that Jackie's tirade now bordered on the ridiculous, Donna tried to put a stop to the hair madness, "Jackie, how about we talk about _something else_ other than your hair…?"

But Jackie was far too involved with her own problems (and her perfect hair). "Seriously, perfect hair is hard to find," she continued. "Steven was crazy to let me go! Let me tell you, he'll _never_ find anyone with more perfect hair than me—"

Realizing that Jackie's tirade had already crossed the border into ridiculous, Donna tried again, "Jackie, how about we talk about _anything_ _else _other than your hair…?"

But Jackie didn't seem to be able to focus on anything other than hair—and Hyde. "Let me tell you, Steven could date Farrah Fawcett in her heyday and her hair wouldn't compare to mine! The secret is this new volumizing conditioner…"

"JACKIE!" Donna shouted in desperation—unable to handle any more of the hair insanity. "I don't think Hyde is too concerned about your hair!"

Startled, Jackie looked around absently. "What…? Donna, were you saying something…?" she asked, genuinely confused.

"I take it you're not interested in hearing about what an ass Eric is?" Donna wryly inquired.

Jackie frowned. "I thought we were talking about how perfect I am and what a jackass Steven is?"

Donna forgave Jackie for being in her own world and acting like the world revolves around her. It's not like it was anything new. "Jackie, you always have problems with Hyde. So, why are you upset?"

"Why wouldn't I be upset? Steven's been a—"

"Jackass," Donna finished for her, picking up a wayward Twinkie from the kitchen counter. "I know. But you're not dating him. He's not you're problem anymore." She eyed her short friend shrewdly. "Unless you're not completely over him…?"

Jackie went defensive. "Don't be ridiculous, Donna. I am so over Steven! I have Rick now and he is so—"

"Wonderful. Yeah, I got that. What I don't get is why you're so upset about Hyde."

"Donna! You're crazy!" Jackie scanned the room, looking for an excuse. Taking note of the Twinkie in her large friend's hand, "Eric's right! You're gonna get fat!"

Setting down the Twinkie, Donna glared and shot back, "Yeah, well, your hair has gone flat!"

Jackie gasped in horror, hands immediately going to her hair. Wildly looking around, she grabbed the toaster. Holding the shiny silver toaster out in front of her, Jackie frantically examined her reflection to take in the state of her hair…

"Donna! You big, fat liar! My hair is perfect!" Narrowing her eyes, "Just because your hair is all flat and boring is no reason to project your insecurities onto me."

"I don't know," Donna taunted, "I really think it's gone a bit flat."

Panicked, Jackie began checking herself in the toaster at various angles (all the while doing model poses, of course).

Eating another Twinkie, Donna simply shook her head.

Just as Jackie was straining for a back view of her hair…

Mrs. Forman burst through the kitchen door. "Oh my goodness! I'm so glad you girls are here! Point Place is in a state of emergency—"

"Forget Point Place! _I'm_ in a state of emergency!" Jackie complained, putting down the toaster. Urgently, she addressed the older woman, "Mrs. Forman, I may be on the verge of a hair crisis! You have to tell me the truth…_how's my hair?_"

Mrs. Forman looked puzzled. "It's lovely, dear," she quizzically assured.

"It's not flat…?"

"Oh, no, of course not," Mrs. Forman automatically agreed. Then, taking a good look at the younger woman's hair, "Actually, now that you mention it, I'd _love _to know how you get that amount of volume—"

Gleefully, Jackie cut her off, "Mrs. Forman, I'm _so_ glad you asked! You see, I use this great volumizing conditioner—"

"_AHEM_," Donna loudly cleared her throat, unwilling to listen to anymore hair nonsense.

"What's the matter, Donna? Choke on your Twinkie?" Jackie asked. "Pay no attention to her, Mrs. Forman, Donna's suffering from hair-envy. It's not her fault her hair is dull and listless—"

Clearing her throat again, Donna prompted, "Mrs. Forman, you were saying something about a state of emergency…?"

"Oh my! I almost forgot!" Mrs. Forman declared, her hand going to her chest. "A huge snowstorm is due to hit in another hour," she informed them. "Best make sure everyone is safe and sound at the house."

Donna groaned. "Damn, Eric ran off with Kelso and Fez to the water tower." She went to the kitchen table to grab her purse. "I better go before the storm hits and one of them falls off. You coming, Jackie?"

Jackie shook her head. "No, I better stay in case Rick calls. His plane might be delayed."

Shrugging, "Alright. I'll see you after I drag my ass of a husband back," Donna said before grabbing one final Twinkie and departing.

Flipping her hair back, "Mrs. Forman, why are men jackasses?" Jackie questioned.

"Oh, that's just the way they're born, dear," Mrs. Forman answered, waving her concerns aside. She paused. Then, "Now tell me more about this volumizing conditioner…"

* * *

_30 minutes later…_

_Forman's Living Room_

The sole occupant of the Forman's living room was Jackie—who was very busy sitting on the couch examining her reflection in her compact mirror.

Which was how Red found her when he came barging into the living room looking surly (surlier than usual, anyway).

Jackie paid him no mind, content admiring herself.

Red, however, paused when he spotted the pint-sized brunette on the couch. Surprisingly, he didn't tell her to get the hell off the couch. Instead, "Ah, there you are! I've been looking for one of you free-loading basement-dwellers. Just as well it's you. You're a better option than those other dumbasses—less useless and somewhat capable."

"Of course I'm a better option than those losers," Jackie agreed. "I'm way more attractive…and I have perfect hair."

Red chose to ignore that statement. "Steven called," he gruffly related. "Seems his car stalled and he can't get back from the record store. I need you to go pick him up before the snowstorm hits."

"_Me?_ Why can't _you_ go?"

Clearly annoyed, Red answered, "Because _I_ need to stay and board up the shed. Unless _you_ would like to do that…?"

Rolling her eyes, "_Whatever. _You know, Steven was the one stupid enough to go to the store and have his car break down. I don't see why we can't just leave him there."

Red responded with a look that said he meant business.

Throwing up her hands in defeat, "Fine! I'll go! Give me the keys to your car," Jackie huffily acquiesced, holding out her hand.

"Oh, no. I don't trust you enough to drive _my_ car. You're driving Eric's car," Red informed her, handing her his son's keys.

"Ugh! You want me to drive that piece of junk? You'll be lucky if I even make it to the record store."

"You'll be fine…as long as you get there and back before the snowstorm hits."

"And if I don't?"

"Well, then you're screwed." Seeing her look, Red sighed. "Look, you should be fine as long as you don't waste time. You know, no hanging around the record store doing whatever it is you kids do that smells up my basement." Giving her a hard stare, "Alright…?"

"Alright," Jackie grumbled.

"Good." Satisfied, Red made to leave…

"Wait! Mr. Forman, can I ask you something really important before I go?"

Impatiently, "What…?"

Motioning upwards, "Do you think my hair looks flat?" she asked seriously.

Red stared blankly at her. He then turned and walked out of the room…

* * *

_A short time later…_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Outside Grooves Record Store_

Jackie _so_ didn't want to be here. If she hadn't been so concerned about her hair, there's no way she would have let Mr. Forman talk her into this.

But here she was—outside Steven's record store.

It wasn't as if she cared about his welfare or anything. Of course not. If it was up to her, she would have been happy to abandon her scruffy ex-boyfriend to fend for himself during the oncoming snowstorm. It's the least he deserved for being such a jackass!

Thinking about his recent jackass behavior made her want to bury him in the snow herself. Jackie still couldn't believe he had the nerve to refer to her designer shoes as crap and tell her she waddled like a lopsided duck. Seriously, who the hell did Steven Hyde think he was?

A badly-groomed thorn in her side, that's what he was.

Things _should_ have been wonderful. She _should_ be picking up her wonderful boyfriend from the airport about now. But no, a snowstorm had to drop in and mess up all her wonderful plans. Not only was her wonderful boyfriend's plane delayed, but now she had to pick up her so-not-wonderful ex-boyfriend. Things weren't wonderful at all!

And as far as Jackie was concerned, it was all Steven's fault!

Did she mention she _so _didn't want to be here?

Ugh, she may as well get it over with. Decision made, Jackie prepared to make her entrance—which involved pulling out her compact, reapplying her makeup, fixing her hair, and obsessively examining her appearance.

Hey, just because she didn't care about Steven didn't mean she didn't care about her appearance. It's not like she wanted to look extra drop dead gorgeous in front of Steven, making him regret ever dropping her for that stripper skank. That wasn't it at all…

Finally, with one last hair flip and a hand poised on her hip, she was ready to make an appearance.

And so—sashaying into the record store as if she was a model in a runway show—Jackie Burkhart made her entrance…

Several feet into the record store, Jackie halted, posing like she was shooting a magazine cover. "Hello, Steven," she greeted coolly, acting aloof.

Hyde looked up from the stack of records he was sorting. Then he did a double take beneath his shades. _Jackie?_ What was Jackie doing here? She hated his guts. No way she would have come here. Maybe he was hallucinating. He must have gone through more of his stash than he thought.

He then heard, "Steven, what's wrong with you? Why are you standing there staring? It's creepy! Does listening to bad music all day render you stupid in the presence of striking beauty or something?" being bitched at him in a shrilly, conceited tone.

Nope, he wasn't hallucinating. Jackie was definitely here.

_Crap._

Hyde then politely greeted her with a "What the hell are you doing here?"

Jackie's expression turned downright glacial. Dropping her hand from her hip, "What do you _think_ I'm doing here?" she spat.

"I don't know. Designer shoe target practice…?"

Jackie stomped her foot impatiently. God, she better be getting amazing Christmas presents from Mr. and Mrs. Forman for having to put up with this jackass. "Don't tempt me, Steven. You should really try being a little bit grateful. Mr. Forman sent me to pick up your sorry butt since your car broke down."

"Well then, I'll be sure to thank Red when I get back," Hyde smirked.

Anger flaring, "You know, I have half a mind to take my shoes off and throw them at you right now, but Mr. Forman said we couldn't waste time—"

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to risk breaking _another_ heel, would you?" Hyde sarcastically interrupted.

All rational thought left Jackie. "Jerk! I'd be willing to sacrifice my entire shoe collection for the satisfaction of hitting you."

"No chance of that happening," Hyde disputed. "I hate to break it to you, but your aim sucks."

"My aim does not suck…_you suck!_" came her lame rebuttal.

Condescendingly, "Uh, huh."

Jackie wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face! "I want those shoes back, by the way. I don't know what you did with them but—"

Hyde didn't let her finish. "You gotta be kidding me. You're actually worried about those crappy broken shoes?" he asked, appalled.

"They're _designer_—"

"They're _crap_—"

"They're not crap—"

"They're broken. They're crap."

Losing patience, "I told you, they have special meaning—"

"Special, my ass," Hyde berated. "You're harping about a pair of overpriced shoes that yuppies like you buy because they have some bogus designer label when in reality they're no better than anything from K-Mart."

Jackie made a face. "_Ew_. As if I would ever shop there. Just because you grew up all poor doesn't mean you have to begrudge the rest of us—"

"I don't know why I thought I could talk to you," Hyde broke in, exasperated. "You may be short, but your nose has gotten stuck so far up in the air, Michael Jordan wouldn't be able to see it."

"You know what? I was so stupid to come pick you up," Jackie spat back. "I should have told Mr. Forman to take Eric's car keys and shove them up your—"

"Then _why did_ you agree to pick me up?" Hyde cut across her, his eyes boring into hers. His tone was serious, as if her answer held some importance…

Jackie, however, was too riled up to pick up on any hidden connotations. "Clearly, I lost my mind! I must have been too upset with Donna calling my hair flat to think straight!" she shouted. "I can't believe this! I should be picking up my wonderful boyfriend from the airport, but his plane was delayed because of this stupid snowstorm and it's all your fault!"

"_My_ fault? Jackie, are you kidding me? I may be capable of a lot of things, but conjuring up snowstorms isn't one of them."

"I-I don't know how it's your fault…It just is!" Jackie persisted irrationally. "Like everything else that's gone wrong! My shoes! My hair! The snowstorm! It's all your fault!"

Hyde noticed she seemed to be having some sort of breakdown. "Um…Jackie, are you alright? Not feeling the need to throw shoes or anything, are you?"

Fed up, "Ugh! Steven! Let's just get out of here before that snowstorm hits!"

Silence.

"Uh…Jackie. I think it might be too late for that," Hyde noted, staring past her towards the windows…

Frowning, Jackie whipped around to see what had captured his attention—only to gasp in horror at the sight of what was about six feet of snow piled up outside and barricading them in!

The snowstorm had hit.

They were trapped.

In the store.

Together.

Hyde nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I don't think we're going anywhere for a while…"

* * *

_A very chatty hour later…_

"God, I can't believe I'm spending my Christmas Eve stuck in a record store with you of all people. If I was going to be stuck in a record store with anybody, I'd want it to be John Travolta. At least then we could recreate the end scene in _Grease_…"

Bitch.

Bitch.

Bitch Some More.

That was what Jackie had been doing for the past hour. Nonstop. It was driving Hyde crazy.

"But no, I'm stuck with _you_." Jackie flipped her hair back as she followed Hyde around, complaining loudly about their current predicament. "And what is going on with the ventilation in this place? It's horrible! My hair might go flat…"

Sorting records, Hyde relied on his "Zen" to maintain his cool.

"Contrary to what Donna thinks, my hair is not flat! But it will be if we don't get out of here." Jackie looked at him accusingly. "Which reminds me, you're a man, how come you're not doing anything to get us out of here? Aren't you at all concerned about my hair?" When it was clear he wasn't going to answer, "This is the worst night of my life! If my hair goes flat, I'll never forgive you…"

Hyde struggled to maintain "Zen."

"How can you just stand around calmly sorting records?" she asked. "Life as we know it could be coming to an end! Do you see how much snow is building up outside?" She pointed towards the door and windows. "We could _die_ in here!" A panicked expression overtook her face. "Oh my god! This is a nightmare! I might die with bad hair!"

Hyde's "Zen" was really starting to wear thin.

Jackie glimpsed the record he was holding. "_Led Zeppelin?_ I don't get it." She grabbed the Led Zeppelin album off of him. "How come you only carry bad music in this store? I don't know what you have against good music like Duran Duran."

Hyde's "Zen" was gone completely.

"That's it! Nobody insults Led Zeppelin in my store," Hyde gruffly mandated, plucking the album off of her. Setting the record aside, he grabbed Jackie by the waist and hauled her over his shoulder…

Swinging her arms and legs, "Steven! Put me down!" Jackie squealed.

"Behave!" Hyde ordered, lightly smacking her on the butt.

"Ow! Steven! You Jerk!"

A second later, Hyde roughly set her in a sitting position on the counter next to the register.

"How dare you! I could have you arrested for this—"

"_Jackie_." Hyde spoke in such a threatening tone, she reluctantly held her tongue.

Hyde whipped the sunglasses off his face and looked her straight in the eyes. "Listen good. I don't want to hear about John Travolta. I don't want to hear about your hair. And I certainly don't want to hear about your opinions on music. The only thing I want is for you to sit there and shut up." He put his sunglasses back on and turned away.

"Steven, you're being ridiculous—"

Turning back, "Jackie, you crossed a line. I might have been able to tune out all that other crap you were spouting, but you can't insult Led Zeppelin and expect to get away with it," Hyde asserted, ignoring the cute way she was pouting at him on the store counter.

"C'mon, Steven, I've listened to _Stairway to Heaven_. The song doesn't even make sense!"

"Then you're not listening to it right."

"What do you mean? For your information, I do everything right. I'm perfect—"

Hyde lost whatever fleeting grip on his "Zen" he might have had. "Look, Jackie. Do you think I want to be here with you? Cuz believe me, I don't. You're the last person I'd pick to be stuck in a snowstorm with. All you've done is whine, whine, whine. I guess it should come as no surprise that you can't think about anyone but yourself. But how do you think I feel listening to all your bellyaching? Man, can't you stop being a bitch for one night and shut the hell up?"

Jackie's eyes widened in shock before narrowing into cold, hard slits.

"Jackie…?"

Silence.

Hyde grinned.

After a few seconds, his grin faltered. Maybe he had been a too harsh on her…but it had achieved the desired effect.

Silence.

Silence.

More Silence.

He smirked as Jackie continued to glare at him.

* * *

_A very silent hour later…_

Silence.

Silence.

More Silence.

That's all there was since Jackie ceased speaking. Completely. It was driving Hyde crazy.

Sure, he'd enjoyed the peace and quiet…_initially_. But after an extended period of silence, he had to grudgingly admit he missed her brainless chatter.

Jackie had managed to stay perfectly silent and still on the counter. It was driving her crazy! But it was worth it. _Because it was driving Steven crazy_. And she was all for driving Steven Hyde to breaking point.

She didn't have to wait long…

Unable to take it anymore, Hyde decided to bite the bullet. "So, Jackie. After giving it some consideration, I've decided to let you speak again."

Silence.

"Go ahead, yap away about your hair, John Travolta…whatever."

Silence.

"Alright, I'll admit I may have overreacted about the Led Zeppelin."

More Silence.

_Man, she must really be pissed_. "Jackie, this is ridiculous. We can't go on ignoring each other forever."

At that, Jackie's resolve broke. Pushing herself off the counter, she coldly addressed him. "Sure we can. You did it throughout our entire relationship. I don't see why now should be any different."

Involuntarily, Hyde's mouth parted in shock. In low tones, "Jackie, how can you say that?" he asked, sounding almost…_hurt_.

Jackie paused to give him a searching look. Finally, "Because it's true," she said flatly.

Looking away from her, "Yeah, well, at least I'm not the one who did a runner to New York," Hyde muttered.

"What…?"

"Nothing," Hyde snapped.

"Fine. I didn't want to know anyway," she huffed.

"Good."

Silence.

"The only thing I'm concerned about is getting the hell out of here and away from you," Jackie assured with false bravado.

"Believe me, the feeling's mutual." Hyde's gaze drifted to the whirling snowstorm outside. "But given how things are looking, I'd say we're here for the night," he deduced.

Sounding more confident than she felt, "I'm sure our friends will come for us."

Hyde scoffed. "Jackie, I'm not sure how it's escaped your notice, but our friends are neither the most capable nor the most reliable people in the world. _Trust me_. No one's coming for us."

"_Please_. They're not that bad…"

Raising an eyebrow, "Jackie, Kelso's fallen off the water tower more times than I can count and Fez once confided that he finds glue 'tasty.' And don't even get me started on Forman—the man still plays with action figures for God's sake. If the competency of our friends is anything to go by, we'll still be here next week."

"But surely—"

"Face it, we're screwed."

She opened her mouth to object again...

"Jackie, you _know_ our friends. Imagine what they're doing right now…"

* * *

_At that exact moment, on the other side of Point Place…_

_Forman's Basement_

Eric, Fez, and Kelso were hunched over the table, their attention fixated to its contents while Donna was sitting on the couch with her arms folded, glowering at them.

"Your move, little buddy," Kelso said, his tone deadly serious.

Fez hesitated, saying a silent prayer before picking a card. "_Sonofabitch_, it's blue. This is not going to get me anywhere," he angrily swore, making his move.

"Take it easy, Fez," Eric soothed before smiling smugly. "You just sit back and watch the master work." Putting his hands to his temples, Eric concentrated on the pile of cards.

Fez scowled darkly in Eric's direction. "You know, I'm pretty sure playing with a Luke Skywalker action figure is grounds for disqualification."

Eric waved dismissively. "Shhhh…I'm using the force to ensure victory and…_Ahhh, Jedi mind-tricks are a load of crock! I have to go backwards!_"

"That's what happens when you don't play by the rules, you cheating bastard," Fez happily remarked.

"Alright, my turn!" Kelso exclaimed. Puffing out his chest, he arrogantly announced, "Get ready to watch me win this baby." Turning his card, "_And there it is!_ I WON!" He stood up, triumphantly waving his hands about. "YEAH, BABY! THREE TIMES IN A ROW! HOW FREAKIN' AWESOME AM I?"

"I can't believe you won again!" Eric bemoaned. "I was so sure this was my round. The Force really let me down…"

"I told you, man. I'm a pro at this," Kelso told him in a superior tone.

Donna shook her head disbelievingly. "I can't believe you guys have been playing Candy Land for the last hour," she chastised.

"You're just upset you got slaughtered on the first round," Eric brushed off.

Rolling her eyes, "By the way, aren't you guys _forgetting something?_" she asked meaningfully, gesturing around.

The guys all looked around in confusion.

"You haven't noticed _anything missing?_"

The guys continued to look around in confusion.

"Jackie and Hyde!" Donna spit out in frustration. "Aren't you guys worried? Red said Jackie went to pick Hyde up from the record store in Eric's car."

Eric's momentary wave of worry quickly passed. "I'm sure they're fine," he reassured.

"Yes, and if they are not it is most likely because they have killed each other. In which case, there is nothing more we can do," Fez calmly surmised.

"Yeah, or they could be having wild animal sex in Eric's car," Kelso offered.

Everyone looked at Kelso.

"_What?_ That's what I'd do!"

Trying not to think about what could be going on in his car, Eric said, "Donna, I'll check into it…right after another game of Candy Land. _You guys ready?_"

Donna threw up her hands and stood up. "I should have left you guys at the water tower." She looked down at the board game. "Damn, I suddenly have the urge to eat candy..." She then made to leave.

"You stay away from my candy bag, bitch!" Fez warned.

"Just try not to make yourself too fat," Eric sarcastically called out.

"_Ass_" Donna was heard muttering as she stormed out of the basement.

Eric sighed. "Man, she's been so moody lately. I've given up on figuring out what her deal is."

"The deal is your wife is eating everything in sight…including my candy," Fez stated crossly.

"Hey, you know what would make Candy Land even MORE awesome?" Kelso enthusiastically questioned.

The guys all looked at each other…and grinned.

* * *

_A rather hazy 20 minutes later…_

"Kelso was right. Candy Land is even more awesome in the circle," a half-baked Eric remarked. "I feel like I'm actually _at_ Gumdrop Mountain! I'm not sure why Gumdrop Mountain keeps moving though…"

Kelso nodded exuberantly. "Dude, Queen Frostine is HOT! I would so do her!"

"I am partial to Princess Lolly, myself," Fez candidly proclaimed. Staring at the board with a lustful expression, "Oh, I would love to lick her lollies." He paused and looked thoughtful. "I wonder how Princess Lolly would feel about my hot, sweaty sex fantasy involving candy and glitter…"

Eric looked from Kelso to Fez. "Man, you two are twisted." He frowned suddenly. "Hey, isn't there something we're forgetting? Something about Jackie and Hyde…?"

A dazed and confused Kelso laughed stupidly. "Jackie and Hyde? _Who are they?_ Do they have a Candy Castle? Because if they don't, I wouldn't worry about them…"

Fez turned to Eric. "I am sure Jackie and Hyde are fine…as long as they have no candy for Donna to steal." His tone turned bitter. "Because if they do have candy, she will attack them and take their candy…then she laugh while they cry." His features became worrisome. "Excuse me, I must go make sure that evil woman does not eat the last of my candy," he said before taking off to protect his candy…

Eric hazily watched the foreign man run away. He shrugged. "Yeah, I'm sure I'm not forgetting anything important." He gazed down at the game. "Am I the only one who finds Lord Licorice scary?" he asked, appearing distraught. "He kind of reminds me of Donna…"

* * *

_Back at the record store…_

"Yeah, we're screwed," Jackie agreed with Hyde.

Hyde barely reacted. "I told you so," he simply stated.

"If Rick was here—"

"Well, Mr. Wonderful isn't here. So, he's not so wonderful, now is he?" Hyde harshly cut off.

Jackie huffed in aggravation. She then brightened. "Hey! I'm sure the Forman's will be worried about us!" she cheered optimistically.

"Maybe."

"_Maybe?_"

Shrugging, "The Forman's tend to get distracted."

"What do you mean?" Jackie questioned.

Hyde gave her a meaningful look. "Think about it…"

* * *

_At the same time, across town…_

_Forman's Living Room_

Red and Kitty were sitting on the couch watching TV.

"It's awfully quiet," Kitty commented.

"Yep." Red sounded quite pleased about that.

"I think the kids are all down in the basement."

"Yep." Red sounded even _more_ pleased about that.

"Do you think we should check and make sure everything's alright?"

Red didn't hesitate. "Nope."

Kitty suddenly started giggling.

Red turned to her, silently questioning her actions.

"Oh, Red, I was just thinking of the last time we spent a quiet Christmas Eve alone…"

Red thought on it. "That was a long time ago…"

"It was before the kids were born…"

"Yeah, everything went downhill after they came into world and ruined our lives," Red sourly reminisced.

Kitty looked at him and laughed. "Oh, Red," she scolded teasingly. "But don't you remember that Christmas Eve present I gave you…?"

Red smirked in satisfaction at the memory. "The one wearing only a big red bow…?"

Kitty blushed, adding, "…and a black satin negligee."

Smugly, "That was _before_ I unwrapped my present…"

Pause.

Red and Kitty slowly turned to look at each other.

Then they raced upstairs to the bedroom…

* * *

_Back at the record store…_

"Like I said. We're screwed," Hyde reiterated.

Jackie glared resentfully at him. "Well, what should we do?"

Hyde grinned.

* * *

_A very relaxed 30 minutes later…_

Jackie and Hyde sat on the record store floor, smiling stupidly.

"Oh my god! Steven! You were so right about _Stairway to Heaven!_" Jackie exclaimed as the song played in the background. "It makes so much more sense now…"

"I know," Hyde said complacently. "Led Zeppelin always makes more sense in the circle…"

"It's clear the song is about shopping!" Jackie excitedly burst out. "Some lady who likes gold is trying to buy a stairway to heaven! It makes me wonder what a stairway costs '_on the whispering wind_'…"

Hyde looked at Jackie, extremely disconcerted. "_What?_ No! Jackie, you're totally missing the point of the song…"

"You know what? _I_ want to buy a stairway to heaven! I could put it right next to my unicorn figurine collection…"

Hyde appeared traumatized. "Sacrilege! You've managed ruin the greatest song of all time!"

Not paying attention, Jackie absentmindedly asked, "Do you think stairways to heaven come in multiple sizes?"

Hyde hung his head. "This was clearly a mistake…"

* * *

_A not-so-very relaxed 30 minutes later…_

"I'm never doing a Led Zeppelin circle with you again," Hyde bluntly stated in irritation.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

Hyde continued, obviously still perturbed, "I'm pretty sure I've been scarred for life. I think I need a drink…"

Jackie's eyes lit up. "You have alcohol? We could make Kamikazes!"

Hyde turned to Jackie, who was back to sitting on his counter, and gave her a hard look. "You're not burning down my record store."

"I wouldn't burn down the record store," she protested.

"Remember what happened the last two times you drank Kamikazes?"

Pause.

"Oh, yeah…"

Then…

"I could spray you with my mace instead?" Jackie teasingly offered.

Hiding a smile, Hyde responded, "Not if you want to make it out of here alive."

She nodded, looking at her nails. "Yeah, that's the only reason I haven't sprayed you with mace yet."

Hyde's expression became curious. "You got the mace I sent you?" he asked her.

"Yeah. It was an…_interesting_ birthday present."

"Which you repaid by sending me an ABBA album for my birthday."

She shrugged, amused. "I figured you didn't have one."

"You're right," he told her. "My collection of crap music is sadly lacking."

Jackie smiled and looked away. "Seriously, Steven. Thanks for the mace."

Hyde studied her as if he was trying to figure something out. "I just thought I should replace the one we spilled…_you know_, from when we set Mrs. Forman's kitchen on fire…"

Remembering the havoc they wreaked, Hyde and Jackie looked at each other—and grinned.

Breaking eye contact, Jackie shook her head. "God, Steven, we're _so_ bad."

Hyde smirked wickedly. "I know."

After a moment, Jackie turned to him, "Hey, Steven, did you ever feel bad about what we did to Michael? Framing him for those fires we started?"

"Nope."

"Yeah, me neither." Jackie tapped her fingers nervously on the counter. "Okay, Steven, I have to make a confession. I gave Michael the money to pay for the damages to the wedding reception and Mrs. Forman's kitchen—"

"_You did what?_" Hyde's mouth dropped of its own accord.

Jackie didn't grasp the problem. "I gave Michael the money—"

"NO WAY!"

"Steven, what's the matter?"

"That low IQ-ed son of a bitch conned us!" Hyde shouted in frustration.

Realizing she was missing something, "What are you talking about?"

Pissed-off, Hyde revealed, "I'm talking about the fact that Kelso took money from both of us to pay for the fire damage."

"_Both_ of us? You mean _you_ gave him money too?"

"I sure as hell did," Hyde replied, "and knowing Kelso, I'm sure he's blown it all by now so there's no use asking for it back."

"I can't believe this!" Jackie cried in outrage. "I can't believe Michael would be so dishonest as to deceive us like that. It's bad enough he cheated on me all those times when we were dating…but to take my money when he didn't need it? How dare he! He was probably spending my money on cheap whores! Doesn't he have a conscience? Setting us up like that is inexcusable!"

Hyde surveyed Jackie's affronted tirade with sudden amusement. "Don't you find it a bit ironic that we screwed over Kelso by letting him take the blame for the fires we started only to have him turn around and screw us by taking our money?"

Jackie easily swept that moral aspect aside. "That's totally different! _He_ didn't know we started those fires," she justified. "Do you realize how many pairs of shoes I could have bought with that money? I could KILL Michael!"

With a sinister expression, "All in good time, Jackie. All in good time," he assured.

Jackie smiled knowingly. "What are we gonna do? Set something else on fire and let him pay for it?"

Hyde grinned. "We could…or we stretch our evil doings even further on the public humiliation scale."

"Do tell…"

* * *

_An hour later…_

After a lengthy planning session regarding the payback of Michael Kelso, discussion between Jackie and Hyde fell by the wayside.

Until…

Jackie hopped off the counter sporting a somber expression. "You know, Steven, I really don't understand you. Why are you a jackass to me sometimes? Do I mean so little to you?" she implored, her voice surprisingly soft and fragile.

Hyde groaned, unsure what to say. _What is it with chicks always wanting to talk about feelings?_ Steeling himself for the inevitable, he responded, "Okay, normally I would make some crack about loathing you…"

Jackie shifted, not amused.

"…But I _won't_," he conceded, though he was by no means happy about it. He lowered his shades slightly so he could see her better. "Look, Jacks, I'm going to level with you. I don't loathe you."

Silence.

If Hyde thought that explanation was sufficient…_he was wrong_.

Jackie was staring at him as if he was functioning on Kelso's intellectual level.

Scrambling, "The truth is…I can even tolerate hanging out with you sometimes," he strangled out.

Silence.

Jackie continued to stare at him as if he'd just had a lobotomy.

_Damn._

Hyde sighed. "Things are better if we leave them as is," he clarified poorly.

"I'm sorry," Jackie said as if she heard him wrong, "things are _better _if you act like a jackass?"

Putting his shades back in place, "Yep. That's about right."

"Steven, that makes no sense!"

Jackie just about had it with Steven. _What is it with guys never wanting to talk about their feelings?_ Determined to put him in his place, Jackie put her hands on her hips and let him have it. "The thing is, Steven, I've had it with all your crazy mood swings. One second, we're cool. The next, you're behaving like a jackass and calling me a lopsided duck! You're worse than a girl with PMS!"

Hyde's jaw clenched. "First of all, I'm _not_ worse than a chick with PMS—"

"Steven, be serious—"

"Second, I stand by my statement that you waddled like a lopsided duck—"

"Ugh! That's so not true—"

"Finally, I don't have mood swings. I know what I'm doing. There's a reason for my behavior."

Jackie's face scrunched up. "Wait…you're saying you purposely act like a jackass?"

Hyde folded his arms, his features devoid of emotion. "What do you think?"

Unable to read him, Jackie didn't know what to think. "I don't understand why we can't be civil…"

Aggravated, Hyde dropped his hands. "You want to know why we can't be civil? Alright, I'll tell you." Man, was he pissed. "There's no middle ground with us. We've never been 'just friends.' We're either fighting or we're…" He feebly gestured between them. "…and obviously we're not…_you know_."

Confusion flitted across her face. "So…you're saying if we're not sleeping together you can't be civil?"

"Exactly."

"So…you're saying you want to sleep with me?"

"Exact…_No!_ You're twisting what I'm saying—"

Outraged, "So…you're saying you _don't_ want to sleep with me?"

"That's not what…" Hyde paused. "Wait…don't you have a boyfriend? What are you upset about?"

Jackie froze. _What was she upset about?_ "I-It's obvious what I'm upset about!"

"Obvious to who? It's not obvious to me," Hyde argued reasonably.

Jackie nervously bit her lip. Then, flipping her hair back to cover her unease, "Yeah, well…it's obvious to anyone with an ounce of fashion sense why I'm upset!"

Hyde gave up on trying to reason with an unreasonable person. "You know what? You're not worth the aggravation."

Jackie, however, did not think she was unreasonable in the least…

"See? _That's _why I'm upset!" she shouted at him. "You never knew what I was worth!"

"Well, why don't you go ahead and give me a ballpark figure?" he snidely shot back.

"Shut up!" Jackie ordered, disgusted. "Let me tell you something, Steven Hyde, you should have felt privileged to be with me! I was seriously lowering my standards by dating you. I gave you everything a guy could want, but you never appreciated it. You never knew what I was worth…" She stopped, her voice breaking, old emotions flooding over her like a tidal wave. "There was a time I would have done anything for you, given up anything for you…" She was so overwrought, she could hardly continue. Summoning up her courage, "But what did you do? You threw me away for a cheap stripper!" she fired at him, her angry eyes boring into him. "Then you started acting like a jackass! Pretending as if I didn't matter…as if we never mattered…" To her horror, Jackie's vision started to blur. Closing her eyes, she shakily continued, "You're still acting like a jackass! You still…you still…"

The words caught in Jackie's throat as tears threatened to spill.

Finally, "You still don't know what I'm worth," she forced out in what was barely a whisper, her voice small and unsteady.

Jackie opened her eyes, staring at the now blurry figure of Steven Hyde. God, how did she get herself into this mess? Pretty people with perfect hair weren't supposed to have problems! She should have taken Eric's car and gone shopping instead of trying to save Steven from the snowstorm. Being unselfish is _so_ overrated.

Now she was standing in front of her ex-boyfriend having an emotional breakdown.

Seriously, how _embarrassing_.

She turned away in a desperate attempt to save face. "This new mascara is crap," she complained.

But Hyde was dealing with his own inner turmoil…

Following Jackie's emotional outburst, Hyde had one thing running through his head over and over again:

_Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap…_

What the hell was he supposed to do?

Hyde felt himself being pushed up against a wall. So, he did what he always did when he was being pushed up against a wall. He pushed back…

"At least I don't kiss and run," he vehemently charged.

Jackie was immediately struck by panic. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that," she hissed.

_Good_. He wasn't the only one dodging bullets…

"How could we have agreed not to talk about it? We've never talked about it," Hyde pressed on. "You practically sucked my face off before you went to New York, and we've never talked about it."

Jackie did _not_ like where this was going.

Hyde, on the other hand, _did_ like where this was going.

"You wanna place blame, Jackie?" he threw at her. "How about placing a little blame on yourself? That wasn't a goodbye kiss, Jackie. That was a I-wanna-rock-your-world kiss." _That was the best freakin' kiss ever_, he thought but left unsaid. "And what did you do? You picked up and ran like a scared little girl. You ran, Jackie. _You ran_. So, don't get up on your pedestal and start pointing fingers because you're just as much to blame."

Following his speech, Hyde folded his arms, challenging her…

Jackie didn't care for this turn of events. "I-I didn't run away…I drove my car away," she pitifully defended. Seeing he wasn't buying it, "You didn't say anything to stop me!"

Unfolding his arms, "I didn't have enough oxygen to say anything! You sucked it all out of me!"

Fed up, Jackie hollered, "You could have come after me!"

"Come after you? You saw how well that worked out with Chicago—"

"Nothing happened!"

"Yeah, but—"

"No buts, Steven. You were the one always looking for excuses to run. If you looked hard enough, you were bound to find them. And you did. Instead of waiting around to find out what really happened, you ran. That's right, Steven, _you ran_. Then, to top it all off you went off and married a stripper!"

"Technically, I didn't marry—"

"Steven—"

Holding his hands up, "Alright, not one of my finer moments," he acquiesced. "But that was a long time ago…"

"God, Steven, you're still doing it. You're _still_ looking for excuses. You can't face up to anything, can you?" Flickering her hands towards his face, "You can't even have a conversation without wearing those damn sunglasses!"

Jackie watched him unconsciously adjust his shades as if to avoid looking at her.

"How about we drop this whole conversation?" Hyde offered. "I've rethought the whole speaking thing. I really think not speaking is the way to go."

"We're not dropping this conversation," Jackie irritably refused. "We need to have this conversation. We've needed to have this conversation for a long time." She sighed wearily. "Look, I admit it. I ran. I ran to New York. Steven, I ran…I ran because I had to. There was nothing left for me..._you_ weren't there for me. I mean, we weren't even really together at that time and after everything that happened…"

Jackie looked away from him before looking back.

"I didn't want someone who runs away from me. I wanted someone who will come after me. So, I ran…and you never came after me," Jackie admitted. Once again, she found herself close to tears but choked them back. "You never came after me!" she found herself yelling. Then, softer, "You could have come after me."

Hyde closed his eyes as if he was in pain.

"But you know what? It was probably for the best. I have a good life in New York," he heard Jackie say dismissively. He then heard her continue in an arrogant tone, "I always knew I was destined for bigger and better things. I mean, my beauty and talent were wasted in a pathetic little town like Point Place. When I first went to New York and saw all the designer labels, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! But it was when I was trying on my first pair of Manolo Blahnik's that I knew—_this_ was where I was meant to be. Seriously, you did me a favor running me off to New York. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to come back and show everyone how much better I am." Her shockingly conceited confession came to a halt.

Hyde opened his eyes.

"You really had me going there for a second," he bit out. Then, gruffly, "Whatever. I don't know what I expected from a chick who is so out of touch with reality she refuses to shop discount and buys six-hundred dollar shoes."

He met her gaze…

…and wanted to pummel himself when he saw the devastated look on her face, her bottom lip quivering.

"Steven, I thought you knew me better than that," she spoke, the hurt evident in her tone.

_Man, he really was a jackass_. "I do know there's more to you than that," he granted apologetically. He stepped towards her. "And if I'm hard on you…it's because I know you're better than that." He stopped before he reached her. "But sometimes it's safer to pretend you're not better than that…"

Jackie gave him a weird look. "Huh?"

Figures she wouldn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Never mind," he murmured, turning away from her.

"Oh, no, you can't just say something like that and then pretend it never happened," Jackie vehemently objected, grabbing his arm. "Explain yourself," she demanded, releasing him.

Hyde expelled a breath. "Alright, I'll explain," he relented. "Things between us have always been…complicated. To be honest, I never imagined dating some unicorn-loving chick who dug Donny Osmond and thought shopping should qualify as a full-time job." At Jackie's look, he cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say is, I found out there's more to you than your crap taste in music and a fictitious animal fixation. But when things went bad, it became easier to focus on the negative stuff." He stared down at his shoes. "I know I didn't always treat you the best. I'm not proud of some of the things I did. If I could go back and change things, I would."

"Gee, maybe you should have thought of that _before_ you married a stripper and started behaving like a jackass," Jackie sarcastically retorted, unable to keep former resentment from surfacing.

Hyde lifted his gaze. "I really hurt you, didn't I?"

The look she gave him said it all.

Hyde had never been more grateful for his shades. Pulling himself together, "I'm sorry, Jackie," he said evenly. "I never meant to hurt you—"

"_Didn't_ you?"

"I…maybe I did," he confessed.

A moment of understanding passed between them.

"I…_I'm sorry_." And he meant it. He really meant it.

Jackie knew he meant it. But she didn't want him to mean it. It was easier to hate him and ignore the fluttering in her heart if he didn't mean it.

"I see," she said shortly.

"Do you?"

Jackie's could feel the heat of his penetrating gaze run through her.

"_No_," she urgently denied, turning away from him. She seriously needed to get away from him while he was looking at her like that…

Spotting the record player behind the counter, "Don't you think it's too quiet in here?" she questioned uneasily.

"No."

Ignoring him, she practically ran behind the counter. "We should play something better than Led Zeppelin…" She ceased speaking, her gaze riveted to the album next to the record player. "Oh my god! You have ABBA's _Dancing Queen!_" she squealed, bouncing up and down.

"You did give it to me for my birthday," came Hyde's low voice, suddenly right behind her.

She halted mid-bounce, her back stiffening.

"This is…" A million disorienting emotions ran through her. "_You kept it?_"

"Of course. Just because it's a crap song doesn't mean I'd toss it."

"It's not a crap song!"

Jackie whirled around to face him…

…which turned out to be a mistake.

Taken aback by his close proximity, words failed her.

_Damn_.

And he had taken his sunglasses off, his blue eyes now piercing into her.

_Double damn_.

"Do you remember how we danced to that crap song at Forman's wedding?" Hyde smoothly questioned, his voice level dropping.

Jackie's breath caught. "So…?"

"So…wanna dance?"

* * *

***FLASHBACK***

_Saturday, June __5th, 1982_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Point Place Hotel—Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception_

ABBA's _Dancing Queen _suddenly came blasting form the DJ booth.

"Oh my God! I love this song!" Jackie squealed in glee.

"I _can't believe_ Eric and Donna allowed disco," Hyde grumbled.

"What the hell are Fez and Laurie doing? That's not the way you dance to this song!" Jackie bitched as she watched Fez and Laurie getting down and dirty on the dance floor. "Steven, hold my Kamikaze," she ordered, shoving her drink at him. "I need to go show these morons how disco is done!"

Jackie then marched off without a backwards glance…

…leaving Hyde to shrug and say "To the Disco Queen of Point Place" before downing her Kamikaze.

Then, in what he'd later claim was a bad reaction to drinking Jackie's Kamikaze, Hyde followed Jackie out onto the dance floor.

Jackie, who was pulling out her best disco moves, immediately ceased twirling as she took in the most surreal sight she'd ever seen…

Steven Hyde. Standing in front of her. On the dance floor.

"Steven?" she gasped in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Losing my mind," he groaned, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her toward him. "C'mon, dollface, let's dance," he whispered before whirling her around.

Jackie was stunned.

The world had come to an end.

Steven Hyde was dancing to disco.

"Where's my Kamikaze?" Jackie eventually recovered enough to ask as they moved about.

"Gone."

"Gone…?"

"Yep." He smirked at her. "Tasted better than I thought."

"Steven! That was _my_ drink!"

"What? The other twenty you've had tonight not sufficient? Haven't we done enough damage tonight?"

"I know," she pouted. "I'm starting to think I'm bad luck."

"Jackie, you're not bad luck," Hyde refuted.

"Steven, how can you say that?" Motioning towards their surroundings, "We drenched Donna and Eric's wedding reception by setting off the fire alarm. If that's not bad luck, I don't know what is."

"It's not bad luck." He grinned evilly. "It's a freakin' awesome burn!"

Jackie sighed dreamily. "You know, despite the fact that Donna and Eric are only mildly attractive, can't dance, and we soaked their reception, the wedding didn't turn out all that bad," she observed.

"There was that awkward moment where you ducked the bouquet," Hyde mentioned mischievously.

She glared at him as he spun her around. "I told you I didn't duck! It was a drunken stumble!"

He gave her a knowing smile. "Whatever you say."

She rolled her eyes, letting it go. Then, brightly, "Don't you just love this song, Steven?"

"Uh…"

"Can't you '_feel the beat from the tambourine_'_?_"

"I think I feel something, but it's not the beat from the tambourine…"

Jackie looked at him and frowned.

It was then she realized something important…

"Steven, what are we doing?"

"Dancing…?"

"Dancing requires movement. We're not moving."

It was true. They weren't moving. Somewhere along the line, they stopped moving.

"No reason we can't take things slow," Hyde argued.

"But this is a fast song…"

Hyde's gaze fell to her lips. "Trust me. It's better slow…"

Jackie suddenly became aware of their close proximity. "Better slow…" she repeated breathlessly.

It was a moment captured in time.

One heartbreakingly beautiful, tantalizingly wonderful moment in time.

In that moment, Jackie and Hyde were only aware of each other, their bodies intertwined as if by a magnetic pull. In an almost dream-like state, they held onto one another. It was as if they never wanted to let go.

Hyde began to lower his head as Jackie lifted hers.

Slowly, slowly, their eyelids began to close…

Slowly, slowly, their lips came towards one another…

Softly, softly, their lips were about to touch…

All of a sudden, the music stopped.

The moment was lost.

Jackie and Hyde opened their eyes and looked at one another. Eyes widening at the reality of their situation, they both jumped back from one another as if they were scalded.

They both had the same wild, panicked expression.

"I have to go get another Kamikaze," Jackie blurted out.

"Yeah, I was gonna go see if I can get Kelso blamed for something else," Hyde replied.

Jackie nodded. "Good."

Hyde nodded back. "Great."

They turned away from each other and hauled ass in opposite directions.

***END FLASHBACK***

* * *

"I can't believe we're dancing in the middle of your record store to ABBA," Jackie mused.

"Neither can I," Hyde dryly responded. "I think the fumes from your hairspray must be getting to me."

Jackie laughed as they continued dancing.

"I-I'm really glad we talked thing out," Jackie spoke softly.

"Yeah."

_A moment later…_

"Steven, the music's stopped," Jackie pointed out.

"I know."

"Were you remembering…?"

"Yeah."

Struggling to get out of his embrace, "We should…"

"Yeah, we should," Hyde agreed, but his iron grip held her in place.

"Steven…"

"Jackie…"

"Look, before this goes any further, I need to ask you something really important," Jackie told him with a grim expression.

"What's that?"

"Does my hair look flat to you?" she asked, moving back so he could a better look.

Hyde stared. "_What?_ Jackie, what the hell are you talking about? Your hair is fine."

Jackie lit up like a Christmas tree. "I knew Donna was crazy!" she boasted.

Hyde stared for several more moments. He shook his head. "Now I need to ask you something important," he claimed.

"Steven, your hair is never flat," Jackie joked.

Hyde's look told her he was not in a joking mood.

"Alright, Alright. What is it?"

Hyde sighed. It was now or never. "This Mr. Wonderful guy you've made up—"

"His name is Rick—"

"Whatever—"

"And he's not made up—"

"Jackie, can you shut your trap and let me talk?"

Huffing, "Fine."

"I need to ask you. Is this Mr. Wonderful guy the love of your life?" he forcibly asked, his blue eyes blazing.

Taken off guard, "What…why are you asking me that?" Jackie sputtered. Narrowing her eyes, "Have you been talking to Fez?" she questioned skeptically, "Because he's been asking me all these strange questions lately about the love of my life and running naked in high-heels…"

"Jackie," Hyde ground out. "Stop stalling and answer the question. Is Mr. Wonderful the love of your life?"

"It's complicated…"

"Yes or no, Jackie…"

Jackie squirmed uncomfortably. "Well…"

Jackie wasn't sure where Steven was going with this line of questioning, but she couldn't help the prickle of awareness that shot down her spine that told her she was about to find out…

Hyde himself wasn't sure where he was going with this line of questioning. He didn't really know what he wanted to say, but he _knew_ he had to say something. And that something would probably change everything. Bracing himself, he took a deep breath…

"Jackie, listen. I want you to know—"

_**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**_

Jackie and Hyde immediately sprang apart.

A man was standing outside of the store.

A man Jackie recognized…

"Oh my god! Rick! He's here!" she shouted in delight.

Opening the door, a far-too-handsome man approached Jackie with a winning smile.

Hyde didn't like the guy.

"How's my girl?" the man asked Jackie as she happily hopped into his arms.

Hyde _really_ didn't like the guy.

"So Mr. Wonderful does exist," Hyde grumbled under his breath as he watched the reuniting couple embrace.

"I'm so glad you're here! It was horrible! I thought I was going to die and my hair was going to go flat!" Jackie dramatically recounted.

Eventually, Jackie recalled Hyde's presence in the room. She reddened, hopping off of Mr. Wonderful. "I'm sorry, Rick. This is Steven. I might have told you about him once."

"So, you're the infamous Mr. Wonderf—I mean, _Rick,_" Hyde greeted, smirking at the warning glare Jackie was giving him.

Mr. Wonderful, a.k.a. Rick, smiled obligingly, extending his hand. "It's nice to meet you—"

Squeezing _Rick_'s hand harder than necessary, "Call me Hyde," he insisted.

"Rick, how did you get here?" Jackie questioned her boyfriend. "I thought your flight was cancelled."

Putting his arm around Jackie, Rick replied, "It was, but I promised you I would be here Christmas Eve. Let's just say I may have bribed a few people to make it here on time." He winked. "After finding out from the Forman's where you were, I rented a car and drove here."

Touched, "Aww, you bribed people so you could be with me. You're the most wonderful boyfriend ever!" Jackie cooed.

Rick laughed. "I hope you still think I'm wonderful when I tell you the airport lost my luggage."

Dismay instantly overcame her. "No! That means you didn't bring the emergency hair care products I requested!"

"Sorry, sweetheart, you'll just have to make due," Rick consoled, looking amused.

Hyde, witnessing this exchange with Mr. Wonderful, wanted to hurl. "Glad to see you have your priorities straight, Jackie. Rick here drives through a snowstorm and you're worried about your hair," he contemptuously remarked.

Jackie spun towards him, fuming. "Don't be ridiculous, I know what's important. What's important is that _he_ came after me," she retorted meaningfully.

Following that confrontation, all conversation died—leaving Jackie and Hyde glaring at each other.

The room soon filled with…

Awkward Silence.

More Awkward Silence.

Even More Awkward Silence.

Until…

"We should probably get going," Rick bravely ventured, "before the snowstorm starts back up."

"Good idea," Jackie hastily agreed.

Rick turned to Hyde. "You coming?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there, man. Just gotta lock up the store," Hyde told them.

Hyde then watched as Jackie walked out hand-in-hand with Mr. Wonderful to the car.

That something funky was twisting his gut so bad he thought he might actually vomit. Man, that indigestion really seemed to act up whenever he thought of Jackie…

It was then he realized that something funky feeling had nothing to do with indigestion and everything to do with a certain loudmouth brunette.

Hyde was forced to face the truth:

He was jealous.

He was a jackass.

He _wanted Jackie back_.

Swearing under his breath, Hyde muttered, "It's official. This _is _hell…and there's a goddamn snowstorm."

* * *

Coming Up in Chapter 5: Christmas is here—and so is Jackie's boyfriend! Hyde tries to deal with his feelings for Jackie…with unexpected results. Additionally, the gang plays a game that leads to an all-too-revealing Christmas, Jackie and Hyde get revenge on Kelso, and everyone finds out the identity of Fez's _lady! _

A/N: Holy word count, Batman! Well…I _almost_ split this chapter in two. After some serious consideration, however, I decided that the overall flow of both this chapter and this story as a whole functions best with chapter 4 left as one extremely long chapter. The purpose of this chapter is to shed light on J/H's back-and-forth relationship. To properly showcase that, it's important to note the progression of their relationship from the beginning to the end of the chapter.

For those of you who have been following along with story—thank you so much for your patience and support. This chapter took longer to get out than I thought…but at least it's here! I hope you've enjoyed the story so far.

Oh, and I don't advocate attacking people with high-heels except in cases of self-defense…

Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


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